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Question
Posted by: Trace | 2011/01/11

inlaw''s

Any advise on how to not let negative people affect you? And I cant disassociated myself with them as they are my family in law. Been married for a few years and my husbands family are such a negative bunch, they seem to get it from the mother as she is the queen of miserable, they struggle financially and this seems to be there excuse for all their negative vibes, they are always complaining every single one of them I swear it drives me nutty. The visits, the phone calls I have to listen to as they speak to my husband its always something and I know its not my problems but it affects me cause I have to listen to it all the time. I need to try and block out all this as it will make me miserable too, another thing is when they come over to my place (which is often) we always have to fork out they never contribute when we having a get together etc. How do I make my husband aware of this issue I have without making trouble or do I just let it be? I would be very happy if I never see any of them again.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Well, there's an echo here of the earlier question of dissociation. Actually, you CAn dissociate yourself from them psychologically withou doing so socially. YOu can choose not to allow them to push any of the buttons that annoy or upset you, even though meeting with them as social situations demand.
OK< so the Queen of Misery taught them all to interpret everything in miserable ways. Fortunately, you were brought up better than that.
But, in the example I often use, when you walk down the street and someone's dog barks at you - you don't take it as a personal criticism. You walk on. Similarly, consider their persistent whining as like the dog barking - noisy and unpleasant, but not something you have to take to heart.
And do discuss it tactfully with your husband, who on the one hand may have learned to respect misery from his mom, but may also find this unpleasant, an may be prepared to limit your exposure to them.
A brilliant kid once described Relatives as "People who come to dinner but who aren't friends of ours". There is no overwhelming obligation to keep inviting them round.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Trace | 2011/01/11

I will try not to let them affect me, the barking dogs scenario will definately come in handy. Funny you should mention the secret Mel, as i''ve seen one of the family members reading it, obviously not been mindfull. At In, I would wish to move away but that will not happen, kids at school, work etc. All the best with the pregnancy and the future.
I will try my best to think of all of them as barking dogs, think mom in law will be the rotweiler.

Reply to Trace
Posted by: In | 2011/01/11

Trace I know that the in-laws can sometimes be a bit in to your face wrt probs and complians, I had to endure this for a lenghty period until I just had enough, I suggested moving to another city after a long debate and in-laws saying it is ridiculous we decided to move, pack our bags and off we went..now we only visit when we need to or feel like it, our marraige has been flourishing, and wifey is 5 months pregnant after trying for 3yrs to get preggies...If it is possible move away as far as possible..

Reply to In
Posted by: Mel | 2011/01/11

Have you ever heard of the book called " The Secret" . Buy them one and let them share it amongst themselves. Also when they say something negative, divert it into something positive. My hubby was also a bit on the negative side of life. I printed something off the Internet on the Secret and just gave it to him to read. HE WILL read it coz he would want to see more and more. It helped a bit, but even if he is negative, I refuse to say yes, I turn those negative words into something positive. If he say we have NO MONEY.. I tell him there and than, you “ taking away our wealth”  coz you keep on saying it. See that they are so negative, let it start with you. Coz yes, the more negative you are, the more things go WRONG.

Reply to Mel
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/01/11

Well, there's an echo here of the earlier question of dissociation. Actually, you CAn dissociate yourself from them psychologically withou doing so socially. YOu can choose not to allow them to push any of the buttons that annoy or upset you, even though meeting with them as social situations demand.
OK< so the Queen of Misery taught them all to interpret everything in miserable ways. Fortunately, you were brought up better than that.
But, in the example I often use, when you walk down the street and someone's dog barks at you - you don't take it as a personal criticism. You walk on. Similarly, consider their persistent whining as like the dog barking - noisy and unpleasant, but not something you have to take to heart.
And do discuss it tactfully with your husband, who on the one hand may have learned to respect misery from his mom, but may also find this unpleasant, an may be prepared to limit your exposure to them.
A brilliant kid once described Relatives as "People who come to dinner but who aren't friends of ours". There is no overwhelming obligation to keep inviting them round.

Reply to cybershrink

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