Our expert says:
Well, there's an echo here of the earlier question of dissociation. Actually, you CAn dissociate yourself from them psychologically withou doing so socially. YOu can choose not to allow them to push any of the buttons that annoy or upset you, even though meeting with them as social situations demand.
OK< so the Queen of Misery taught them all to interpret everything in miserable ways. Fortunately, you were brought up better than that.
But, in the example I often use, when you walk down the street and someone's dog barks at you - you don't take it as a personal criticism. You walk on. Similarly, consider their persistent whining as like the dog barking - noisy and unpleasant, but not something you have to take to heart.
And do discuss it tactfully with your husband, who on the one hand may have learned to respect misery from his mom, but may also find this unpleasant, an may be prepared to limit your exposure to them.
A brilliant kid once described Relatives as "People who come to dinner but who aren't friends of ours". There is no overwhelming obligation to keep inviting them round.
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