advertisement
Question
Posted by: Paris | 2010/02/25

Inlaw woes

Dear CS

HELP MY INLAWS ARE DRIVING ME NUTS!!!

Im going to try cut a long story short. My mother &  father inlaw live in the UK. They used to love me until they came out to SA 4 years ago and we all went on holiday together. They literally freaked out on holiday cause my then 1 year old son''s toys were all over the place and they wanted the place to me pristine clean 24/7. Since then they have been to SA 3x and not once do they ever want to come and visit our home even though they stay not even 2km down the road with my fiance''s sister. The sister pretends to like me but i know she doesnt. We always make an effort to visit them and keep in contact (well i do any way) but the effort is NEVER returned.

We have two small kids. One of 4 and the other one almost 24 months. In November the sisters son turned 16 and we were invited to go out to dinner to celebrate with them on a week night at 7pm. Have you ever seen toddlers at a restuarant sitting quietly past 7pm. It is literally hell for us. We explained to her that we could not do a week night with the kids because they have school the next day and quite frankly we would not be able to enjoy the evening instead we would be dealing with chaos. I really thought that she would understand, but it appears not. They for better words have literally disowned us without making it verbal. I have asked her time and time again what i have done to peev her and the mother off and she merely says she doesn''t want to get into it. I have spoken to my fiance about it and he says i must just ignore it as he does. My daughters second birthday is on saturday from 2 - 5pm and none of them are going. The parents say they have to work and their kids are going camping. I feel they are deliberatly doing this to get us back.

My fiance and i are getting married in November and what is supposed to be the highlight of my life is slowly turning into a nightmare, cause quite frankly i dont want people at my wedding just because they are family. Firstly they are offended that we are only inviting immediate family &  very close friends. Its our wedding and the expense of weddings these days is just crazy. We simply cannot afford to pay for long lost aunties &  uncles. Im sure any one would understand.

CS im so frustrated. I haven''t attempted to speak to my fiance''s mother about how they are making us feel because i dont want to cause friction. But im dying to type up an email and just let it all out. I dread my wedding day cause i''ll only be worried why they are so silent.

What should i do?? I simply cannot take this silent abuse any longer.

Please shed some professional wisdom with me.

Thank you,
PARIS.

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I can understand how frustrating this situation is for you, but its resolution is somewhat outside my area of expertise. Family therapy can work wonders, but only when the family members share the perception that problems need to be sorted out, and share the committment to doing so with the proper expert help. Sounds like your fiancee is burying his head in the family sand, and just trying to pretend there's nothing wrong, which doesn't say much for his problem-solving skills for the future. Maybe ignoring them, by denying them power over jhim, is in the end the best tactic ; but he owes it to you to work with you to help you find a similar resolution to the conflict.
Maria, as usual, makes excellent sense.
IT also sounds like you are allowing the adults and their familial politics to become too important. Your daughter's birthday party if for her, and whatever makes her happy will presumably be her friends, rather than the presence or absence of any particular crusty and fussy old folks.
Similarly, it is YOUR wedding, and the pair of you must decide who is or is not invited - it's not for showing off to aunties and uncles otherwise absent from your lives.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

4
Our users say:
Posted by: PARIS | 2010/02/26

Excellent advice from every one. Thank you so much!!

Reply to PARIS
Posted by: Ruby | 2010/02/26

Paris, I know it''s easier said than done, but try your best just to ignore them. It will freak you out more if they don''t respond to your email than just trying to ignore the whole thing.

I got married almost 9 years ago and I only had 45 people at my wedding and till today, everyone that attended tells me how special my wedding was. And as you say, it''s your wedding, NO ONE has the right to say anything about it.

Try to be strong and concentrate on your children, your husband and on yourself and bugger the rest.

Good luck.

Reply to Ruby
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/02/26

I can understand how frustrating this situation is for you, but its resolution is somewhat outside my area of expertise. Family therapy can work wonders, but only when the family members share the perception that problems need to be sorted out, and share the committment to doing so with the proper expert help. Sounds like your fiancee is burying his head in the family sand, and just trying to pretend there's nothing wrong, which doesn't say much for his problem-solving skills for the future. Maybe ignoring them, by denying them power over jhim, is in the end the best tactic ; but he owes it to you to work with you to help you find a similar resolution to the conflict.
Maria, as usual, makes excellent sense.
IT also sounds like you are allowing the adults and their familial politics to become too important. Your daughter's birthday party if for her, and whatever makes her happy will presumably be her friends, rather than the presence or absence of any particular crusty and fussy old folks.
Similarly, it is YOUR wedding, and the pair of you must decide who is or is not invited - it's not for showing off to aunties and uncles otherwise absent from your lives.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Maria | 2010/02/25

This is your HUSBAND-TO-BE''s responsibility. It''s his family causing the anxiety. Either HE sorts it out with them or you learn to put up with it.

His parents are clearly not little-kiddy people and yay, they live in the UK so you don''t have to deal with them too often. Don''t worry about it.

Could you not have arranged a babysitter for the middle-of-the-week party? Frankly I wouldn''t have gone either, not just because it''s a school night but because we have to go to work the next morning too. But that''s probably just because I''m getting old.

As for your daughter''s birthday, you know, it''s about her. And she in all probability could care less who is there and who isn''t, as long as there is sticky cake for her to smear all over everything and presents that are bright and colourful and come in boxes that can be played with. You can concentrate on making this an enjoyable day for her without worrying about the relatives sulking in a corner. You give them way too much power in your life by expending energy on the thought that they''re trying to " get you back"  by missing the kid''s birthday party. Maybe they''ve had enough toddler parties?

The wedding thing is once again your fiance''s call. If he wants them there then they should be there. NOT asking them to come will not exactly mend bridges. And unless they are overtly rude and abusive, just ignore them there as well. Have fun. Don''t let them spoil the day for you. Remember though that a wedding is only one day in a lifetime. You guys have clearly spent several years together already, and the success of your continued relationship should not be measured by how the wedding day went. I''m with you on all the forgotten aunties and uncles. We paid for our own wedding and we decided who to invite. End of story.

Finally... you''ve been together for a long time and are clearly planning to be together for many years to come. You have no control over his family''s behaviour. Can you deal with it in the long run? Can you deal with the reaction he is choosing, just ignoring them? If you can''t then getting married right now should not be the most important thing on your mind.

Good luck

Reply to Maria

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement