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Question
Posted by: YM | 2008/06/26

initimacy

I have been married for 11 years and not once did my wife initiate intimacy or love making. I have discussed this issue on several occasions that her lack of affection does bother me and I would appreciate it that she initiates the love making. So if I don’t initiate I will not even get a kiss besides going to work or coming from work. Yes she will initiate those kisses but that’s it.

Can you explain the reasons ? Currently it seem that she makes love to me just to please me and not because she wants too. For this reason I have stopped as well because I feel if a person is not really interested then why bother..

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Often this relates to upbringing. SOme families are very warmly affectionate and hug and kiss freelly ; others are very austere and don't do so, so kids there grow up without a natural impulse to be physically affectionate.
But there are many potential reasons, and Maybe's answer is excellent. Perhaps marriage counselling would help both of you to explore this further and find a happier way of life together ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: YM | 2008/06/27

yes kiss to say hello & goodbye but not hug. As stated - gets annoyed that if I forget or walks past her without kissing her hello or goodbye. So that's the reason I cannot understand why not hug ...

Reply to YM
Posted by: Maybe | 2008/06/27

Hello again YM,
You say she would kiss you but not hug you? Does she still kiss you at least hello/goodbye - or not?

Reply to Maybe
Posted by: 40yrs woman | 2008/06/27

YM

I am just like your wife. The difference is that I am not married but have a partner since 2002. He initiates hugs, kisses and sex. Been like that ever since. I think that my upbringing contributed to this. We were a family of 5 siblings and 3 (middle) passed away. All of us we never hugged let alone our mother and a father whom we do not konw his wherabouts.

Reply to 40yrs woman
Posted by: YM | 2008/06/27

Thank you for your input ... can you explain why she would she kiss me before going to work or coming from home and YES she even gets annoyed if I forget. BUT she never hugs me ? not even in bed and hugging does not mean we must have intercourse ... we all want to feel wanted or loved !!!

Reply to YM
Posted by: Maybe | 2008/06/27

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship feels one-sided.

Yes - I agree with you wholeheartedly that a relationship must be a two way street and this is even more so when you have been with someone for 11 years ! To me, personally, I find It is more difficult now than what it was back then (been married for 12 years) to keep the proverbial "flame" going.

From my perspective there are a lot of things that influence my "performance" so to speak when it comes to the bedroom. If I don't feel fulfilled emotionally by my husband I cannot connect with him physically...I hope you know what I mean.

Flowers and phone calls are great. Talking with her and actually listening to her (even if you pretend :) ) is even better....it is the little things that count big time. Just like EL's answer - a kiss on the forehead, a compliment ... a hand in the kitchen or with the kids (if you have any) are all little things that mean a lot to a woman. These actions should go a long way to helping her connect with you emotionally.

I know it sounds selfish and a lot of work. But in the end from my point of view anyway, it is worth it.

Good luck!




Reply to Maybe
Posted by: YM | 2008/06/27

I have down that road - flower & phone calls. As stated it's 11 years and not ONCE did she initiate. Not even the 1st week during our marriage. I thought a relationship is a 2-WAY street ??? that's what annoys me ... why must I be the only romantic person in the relationship ??

Reply to YM
Posted by: EL | 2008/06/26

I agree with MAYBE.

Call her during the day, only once a day and tell her that you love her and how much she means to you.

After work show her that you're glad to see her, tell her how you missed her, buy her A flower and kiss her on the forehead, tell her how beautiful she looks in the morning.

You need to make a woman feel special...

Reply to EL
Posted by: anon | 2008/06/26

Good answer MAYBE !!!!

Reply to anon
Posted by: Maybe | 2008/06/26

Hello YM,

Just a hint...intimacy does not only belong in the bedroom. It goes deeper than that - especially from a womans perspective.

I hope that you treat your wife like your best friend and that you engage with her on all levels - not just the bedroom?

I personally find it hard to make love with or to my husband when all he does is greet me with a kiss when he gets home and says thanks for the dinner! That's it.

That is the extent of our interaction on a daily basis.

It is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to get intimate when your relationship is like this.

Reply to Maybe

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