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Question
Posted by: Bee Sting | 2012/06/15

Infertility and unsupportive husband

Hi there,

Could I please have your advise?

We got very bad news a week ago that I am unable to have kids of my own. There is 10% chance, and that is with IVF. IVF = R50 000, so that is not an option for us at this time.

As you can imagine: it came as a HUGE shock to me, as I wasn''t expecting it and I''ve hit rock bottom. My life and dreams basically fell apart before my eyes. I wen through hell and back more than once this week. I was suicidal last week, but picked myself up. I am obviously not in a good place at the moment.

I am seeing a councellor after work today. He is about an hour''s drive from where I live - I will be staying over at my sister''s tonight. My husband is also pushing me to go, as I clearly need help, BUT he decided that he is going to invite friends over to our house in my abscence and have a braai. Even told me that it would be great if I come home early tomorrow so that I can open for the guests as they will probably stay the night (he is working tomorrow).

When I told him that I don''t feel that he is supporting me, he told me that I must cancel the councellor and join them for the braai. Yes, now I must cancel when it suits him.

It gets worse: one of the woman that is going to be there is pregnant. His first e-mail to me this morning stated that it is good that I am going to see the councellor, and it is not a good idea for me to be there tonight because of the pregnant woman. But now, all of a sudden, it is not a concern to him anymore. (don''t get me wrong: I have nothing against pregnant women, but is it still too fresh at the moment).

Is it just me, or is this actually bordering on emotional abuse? Firstly, I have to go for councelling, alone, while he is having a nice braai at our home. He isn''t even prepared to take me there, and back and then maybe chat about what the councellor said over a glass of wine later tonight.
Secondly, now when it suits him... it is okay for me to join the braai (with a pregant woman there) and not go for councelling.

It just doesn''t make any sense to me. Please advise.


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its easy to understand both why you feel upset and disappointed, and that you wisely decided that the price was too high for a really small chance of pregnancy.
It is essential that you see a counsellor - that should, I think, be compulsory when such assessments are being done.
I agree that it seems incredibly insensitive of your husband to invite friends over for a braai at this particular time - a braai is NEVER all that important, but its probably an illustration of what we call Denial. Faced with an unpleasant reality, some of us, like you, face facts, feel bad about it, and then work through that and emerge stronger. Others, perhaps like your husband, use Denial, ignoring the reality often in ways that look frankly bizarre to other people, and acting as though it never happened. If I act as though it never happened, then, in a way, it didn't happen.
I doubt that it is intended to be abusive, but is rather a special vaiety of thoughtless, showing HIS weakness in not facing facts. Of course it doesn't make sense, its not supposed to. Its more like ignoring that pile of bills that need to be paid, rather than struggle with them, as actually needs to be done.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Dina | 2012/06/15

I am sorry Bee Sting. I know how this is affecting you.
Don''t rule out the option of donor eggs. Have you been seeing a fertility specialist?

You should seek the opinion of an alternate fertility specialist. I know it is costly, but it is the only route to go when dealing with fertility issues. Don''t be fooled in thinking that the FS that charges the most is the best as well.

My hubby was n''t very supportive as well. I always felt that I was going through everything myself. But I also realized that he deals with things so differently. I felt like I was dying inside, falling apart &  totally crushed and he went on with life as normal.
Every BFN made me feel worse, especially since I knew I was the one with the problem.

I also had a problem producing eggs. My gynae put me on hormone replacement therapy at the age of 28. I was also going into early menopause.

Clomid had no effect on me at all, even at the highest dose I could possibly take. My option was to try the long protocol fertility treatments.

Good luck my dear.

Reply to Dina
Posted by: Bee Sting | 2012/06/15

Thank you, Dina.

I don''t have eggs anymore. I am going into early menopause at the age of 34.

Our only hope is donor eggs. It is hectic stuff and I need to work through all the emotions.

Reply to Bee Sting
Posted by: Dina | 2012/06/15

Sorry to hear of your circumstances. men and women react differently to stressful situations. Your hubby may just be dealing with this in his own way - by having people around and forgeting about it.

It is stressful for you. Let him have his braai and you visit the therapist. Sit him down on Sunday and have a chat with him. Explain how devastated you are and you need his support.

If you''re in Johannesburg, i suggest you visit bioart clinic. I have had ivf after many years of trying to conceive and being told I don''t ovulate at all.

Reply to Dina
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/06/15

Its easy to understand both why you feel upset and disappointed, and that you wisely decided that the price was too high for a really small chance of pregnancy.
It is essential that you see a counsellor - that should, I think, be compulsory when such assessments are being done.
I agree that it seems incredibly insensitive of your husband to invite friends over for a braai at this particular time - a braai is NEVER all that important, but its probably an illustration of what we call Denial. Faced with an unpleasant reality, some of us, like you, face facts, feel bad about it, and then work through that and emerge stronger. Others, perhaps like your husband, use Denial, ignoring the reality often in ways that look frankly bizarre to other people, and acting as though it never happened. If I act as though it never happened, then, in a way, it didn't happen.
I doubt that it is intended to be abusive, but is rather a special vaiety of thoughtless, showing HIS weakness in not facing facts. Of course it doesn't make sense, its not supposed to. Its more like ignoring that pile of bills that need to be paid, rather than struggle with them, as actually needs to be done.

Reply to cybershrink

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