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Question
Posted by: Bee | 2012/03/14

Infertility

Hi Prof,

How do I cope with infertility? How do I cope with a dissapointment every month?

My world is falling apart.... I am giving up.




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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

As Mary says, you are far from alone in experiencing this. As you so eloquently describe it, this situation isn't really one big loss at one time, but a whole series of smaller losses coming every month.
And people tell you to relax and not worry about it ( easy to say, hard to do ) but finding ways to relax ( perhaps with some counselling to release the pent up emotions and learning relacation methods ) actually not only help you to feel better, but being less stressed actually enhances one's fertility. I've actually known more than a few couples who conceived after they'd given up, when they stopped stressing about it

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Our users say:
Posted by: Mary | 2012/03/15

Got another negative result today and I am devastated to say the least.

It is the worst feeling in the world, if you were so sure and are hit with the bad news every month.

Good luck to all the ladies out there with the same problem.

Reply to Mary
Posted by: al | 2012/03/15

12 months is not to long. We were trying and 5 years later there is no hope. I dont want to adopt. My husband has children. I have the same questions as you. Every day! People dont understand. And why do people say relax!!! How in the world can we relax?

Reply to al
Posted by: Liza2 | 2012/03/15

After 8 yrs of trying to conceive and fertility treatments, i fell preggies. I had given up. My hubby said one last ivf attempt and if it doesn''t work, then we really call it quits. And I fell pregnant.

You have only been trying for twelve months. I am one of the lucky ones. Some people have been trying for so many years. I once met a couple that finally fell pregnant after 12 years.

Yes, it is emotionally draining. The pain and disappointment is unbearable. You feel hopeless, like a failure. Each attempt &  each negative result hits you so hard and leaves you feeling even more depressed than the last. You wish you could just shrink away, disappear altogether. You can''t bear to even look at your hubby, knowing that once again, you have failed.

But you need to stay strong, stay focussed. It is hard, but you need to keep trying.

If you aren''t already seeing a fertility specialist (not your gynae), then please do so. Have both yourself &  hubby assessed to find the cause and to get the relevent treatment.

I should mention that I had previously lost a child, due to premature birth. My baby was born at 27 weeks, and lived for a month.

Be patient, be strong. Get help for the depression. No harm in taking anti-depressants to help you cope.

Good luck. Keep trying.

Reply to Liza2
Posted by: heidi | 2012/03/14

my sister fell pregnant after 6 years of trying, just when she had given up hope completely. i had forced her to make an appointment with my gynae and there was a 3 month waiting period to see him. i think she relaxed and voila, 6 weeks after that she was pregnant. her little girl will be 2 years old shortly.

dont give up. maybe get a hobby or a sport, start walking or running, to take your minds off of it. do anything. don''t just " do it"  because its the right time of the month, try and remember what it was like prior to " starting a family" . a positive and happy outlook changes a lot of things (and yes, probably easier said than done for me i know).

wishing you both the best of luck and also the blessing of a baby/babies.

Reply to heidi
Posted by: Mary | 2012/03/14

Hi Bee,
We have been trying to conceive for almost 3 years now. Last year I started with clomid and other fertility drugs that did not work at all for me. My Gynie suggested we see a fertility expert and so we did.

As I mentioned this is the second time I have gone for iui. It is horrible. I hate every single second of it, but I try to tell myself why I am doing this in the first place.

I know the feeling of atmost frustration of why people can have babies that do not deserve it. I know of a pregnant woman at the momemt and told me upright that she does not want the baby and she wished she was not pregnant. I bursted out in tears. She couldn''t understand what my problem was. Anyway.

I have a problem with ovulation. But even if I am lucky enough to ovulate, we dont conceive. I dont know what is wrong with me. I feel so inadequite and such a failure because I am struggling to give my husband children.

Mary

Reply to Mary
Posted by: Bee | 2012/03/14

Hi there Mary,

Thanx for the comforting words.

It is heart breaking, I know.... and here I sit.... at work, with the tears rolling down my face, and I feel so embarrassed as no one knows that we are trying and what I am going through. I have to " act"  that I am okay, every day, when in fact I am not okay at all.

I feel depressed and angry and sad!!!! " Sad"  is actually an understatement.... and I have sooooo many questions: why do people that abuse their kids have children and couples, like you and me, that would be the greatest parents ever... we can''t have? Why??? Why do teenagers that are still kids themselves fall pregnant on a one night stand? Why???

If I may ask: what is wrong with you guys that you are having problems falling pregnant?

We have been trying for 12months now, and I am in my mid 30''s, so the biological clock is ticking away.

PS: sorry, that I am venting, but I just want to get rid of all these emotions.

Reply to Bee
Posted by: mary | 2012/03/14

Hi Bee,
I am going through exactly the same emotional turmoil. it is hell. I have just gone for another blood pregnancy test and hoping that this month will be positive. This is my second time of doing iui and just the thought that I have to do it again, drives me to tears.

I really cant offer you advise, but know you are not alone in this torturious process. I would say try to be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with things you enjoy.

Dont focus too much on that dreaded 2ww. Put it out of your mind and enjoy what you enjoy doing.

Good luck and hope you have good news very soon
Mary

Reply to mary
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/03/14

As Mary says, you are far from alone in experiencing this. As you so eloquently describe it, this situation isn't really one big loss at one time, but a whole series of smaller losses coming every month.
And people tell you to relax and not worry about it ( easy to say, hard to do ) but finding ways to relax ( perhaps with some counselling to release the pent up emotions and learning relacation methods ) actually not only help you to feel better, but being less stressed actually enhances one's fertility. I've actually known more than a few couples who conceived after they'd given up, when they stopped stressing about it

Reply to cybershrink

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