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Question
Posted by: Jae | 2010/10/21

Inconsiderate

My bf has a very close circle of friends from varsity about 14years ago. they are now grown up and doing very well in their respective careers except for one, this particular friend didn''t complete his degree but is only short a couple of modules and the university won''t take him back for whatever reason. Around August last year he called my bf from him home town to say that he wanted to come to " The City"  to do something(we assumed it was to look for a job) so he needed a place to stay for a while. the problem is he''s still here and doesn''t look like he''s going anywhere anytime soon, we buy newspaper with job listings on a regular basis and I always tell my bf to inform him of post when I see them but he won''t budge. My bf is naturally a good person and he wants to help but from what I see this guy is taking advantage, he wakes up late, sits, eats and watches tv the whole day. he once found a job and quit on day 3 because " It was too hard" . It''s such an inconvenience to my bf because he has to buy food for the both of them, if we go out he tags along and we have to pay the bill for whatever he drinks and eats. I think he picked my bf because he''s single and all the others friends have moved in with their girlfriends and others are married (I stay alone). We spoke about it and bf doesn''t want to tell him straight to leave because he doesn''t want to hurt his feelings, i''m of the view that if this person was really a friend he wouldn''t burden someone he calls a friend. he''s 33yrs old, jobless and seemingly has no desire of getting a job. I think he''s comfortable because he pays no rent and has everything he needs. on the other hand I also think my bf allowed this to go on for too long, but he shouldn''t feel bad for telling this guy to leave...he thinks creating an excuse would be better for example we could pretend to move in together, I still think the truth would be better. please advice...how does my bf get him to leave for good?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its so important when receiving such requests from people inviting themselves to stay with you, to be specific, from the start, as to WHY they are coming, WHAT they will do while here, and how long they will stay.
If they arive for a visit with no duration agreed, and no purpose clear, they could stay forever.
Indeed it sounds as though this guy is taking advantage of you both, and making no effort whatever to find a job - maybe this is also why the university is no longer concerned about him.
As he obviously doesn't care at all about YOUR feelings, don't be so scared of hurting his. Have a calm sit-down disussion, the three of you, and explain that this arrangement cannot continue this way, that your bf cannot aford to continue to support him indefinitely, especially as he is making no genuine effort to get a job and a place of his own. Suggest a 2-week maximum length for his further stay, by which time he needs to either find a job and a place of his own, or move back home.
That is kind and reasonable. Otherwise you are encouraging him to become a lazy, sponging layabout ( literally !) which is not to his benefit either.

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3
Our users say:
Posted by: Unique | 2010/10/21

In situations like these my husband comes home with a bus ticket and say " Here is your bus ticket for say say Monday. it works all the time.

Reply to Unique
Posted by: Jae | 2010/10/21

Thanks CS, we had agreed that my bf would speak to him and ask him to leave by the end of the month and now he wants to give him a further 2 months until the end of the year. I personally don''t suffer financially, only my bf does and I don''t understand why he would still want to give such a long period of grace. for me it''s just an inconvenience of having to babysit a grown man, he just pops up wherever we go, I don''t want to push my bf into kicking his friend out but really , like you said it''s also for his own good as well.

Reply to Jae
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/10/21

Its so important when receiving such requests from people inviting themselves to stay with you, to be specific, from the start, as to WHY they are coming, WHAT they will do while here, and how long they will stay.
If they arive for a visit with no duration agreed, and no purpose clear, they could stay forever.
Indeed it sounds as though this guy is taking advantage of you both, and making no effort whatever to find a job - maybe this is also why the university is no longer concerned about him.
As he obviously doesn't care at all about YOUR feelings, don't be so scared of hurting his. Have a calm sit-down disussion, the three of you, and explain that this arrangement cannot continue this way, that your bf cannot aford to continue to support him indefinitely, especially as he is making no genuine effort to get a job and a place of his own. Suggest a 2-week maximum length for his further stay, by which time he needs to either find a job and a place of his own, or move back home.
That is kind and reasonable. Otherwise you are encouraging him to become a lazy, sponging layabout ( literally !) which is not to his benefit either.

Reply to cybershrink

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