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Question
Posted by: Veronica | 2010-08-17

In love with someone else than husband

Dear Doc
I have been married for 16 years. My husband is a kind man who cares deeply about me and loves me a lot. However, our conversations never go deeper than his current sport hero, and we do not have a sex life at all. I am not attracted to him physically, and even though I tried my best to teach him some basic sexual stuff, he is just not interested. (No health problems - checked out!) Our intimate life consist of cuddling in bed when its cold for body-heat, and a peck on the mouth at night to say good night. But he tells me he loves me so incredibly. Also, all household responsibilities and financial responsibilities are mine.
Then I met a guy and we clicked immediately. We share the same interests and can chat for hours. We had sex and he is an incredibly skilled lover. For me, to have gone from no sex, to the greatest sex ever, it was quite a shock. We cook together, we do the same sport and he coaches me, we follow the same diet, its just to weird - its like I found a male version of myself.
He is not married, but does not want to get seriously involved at the moment as he is writing his final exams in October. He asked me to be patient with him until next year. We do not have sex any more, but do see each other often. He calls me a " special"  friend.
This is killing me. I am in love with him, but until next year I must try to keep my cool with him AND at home. I am depressed and cry a lot. I do not want to break it of with the other man now, because if he is for real, we could be so great together.
But then I would have to divorce my husband, whose whole world revolves around me. He does not deserve to be hurt like this!
But I''m still young, only 36, and don''t I deserve a marraige with a sex life and companionship? And I have a very high sex drive, my husband and I just are not compatible sexually!
But the wait for the other man is also killing me - to visit him and be with the man I''m crazy about, and not be able to kiss him even, because we are now friends, is so stresfull. He says he is not over me, he is feeling guilty because I''m married and is trying to suppress his feelings for me currently until he has his studies and work sorted out. And we must get to know each other well and become comfortable with each other before we make serous mistakes. (We have been " together"  now for 8 months.)
And in the meantime I am going crazy and dying inside.
How do I handle this complex situation? I do not have the strengh to break it off with the other man, and I can''t bear to think about another 36 sexless years in my current marraige. But I''m not strong like him to suppress my feelings until a suitable time in future!!!!!!
PLEASE help me!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You seem to be describing a situation which has existed throughout the 16 years of marriage - is this so ? As you know, love and sex can be related but definitely not necessarily so. There is much sex without love, and some love without sex.
Are you Depressed, I wonder, or, rather, sad and frustrated. Depression is an illness, with characteristic symptoms ; sadness often needs to be dealt with by attending to its causes.
Is there any possibility of persuading your husband to join you in marriage counselling, to see if any of the problem is remediable ? It may not be that sexlessness is absolutely inevitable within your marriage, with appropriate help
Apart from the frustrations of waiting, what are you expecting when your friend has finished his exams, etc ? Is it really likely that you will divorce your husband and that the other guy will become your full-time partner ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Just Me | 2010-08-20

Oh so so true. One other thing - this Guy is still single at what age??? Thirty something too? Many single Guys in their late thirties are often far too busy being single, which includes their own space, own friends, own money, own everything, including
still having their own fun. Why tie yourself down at that age, when you are comfortable with life, and getting all the perks too!!!!!!!! ?????

Reply to Just Me
Posted by: Opinion | 2010-08-18

Affairs never last. Especially not when one party gets divorced for the other. If you do end up together he will never trust you. You had sex with him while you were married and he will always wonder when you will have better sex with another man while you are with him.

If you are really so unhappy in your sexless marriage then you need to decide if you want to divorce, regardless of this man. If you cant have this man in your life, do you still want that divorce?

If the answer is no, then dont divorce because you will not have this man in your life for along time.

Reply to Opinion
Posted by: Lucy | 2010-08-18

The responses might sound mean but I hope you are taking it in.
This is what men do to women, they play games.
Not all men but thsi guy sounds like one of them.
He does not want to get seriously involved because he is writing his final exam...
If he was really into you and wanted to be with you as you want to be with him and was really sincere about this and felt as compatable to you as you to him then he would not make any excuses at all!
He would even miss his final exam if it meant not compromising what he has with you.
Please don''t fool yourself because at the end of all this you are going to be worse off then you are now.
Rather take Cs advise and try to make things work with your hubby.
Good luck

Reply to Lucy
Posted by: lilly | 2010-08-18

if he is not looking for any commitment in a relationship you are wasting your time. Try work on your marriage rather.. or leave him but be careful to not look for a short-term distraction that will leave you feeling sad in the long run.

Reply to lilly
Posted by: just saying! | 2010-08-18

He is using you , he will never be yours and he plays with you, you are his toy...

Reply to just saying!
Posted by: happy | 2010-08-18

He got what he want he is happy, he will never get involved with u, there is nothing called compatable . What Rob is telling u is true. U told him your problem and you open your legs and he got what he want . He is happy . forget it he will never marry you.

Reply to happy
Posted by: Rob | 2010-08-18

Goodness but you women are so stupid and gullable!!! You most probably told him how you felt and about your sex life etc and he, your shining prince in armour, arrives and does exactly what you want and you think he is the greatest thing since peanut butter!!!!! How stupid can you be?

giving up 16 years of marraige for this stupid idiot!!!!! Later you will come crying to this same forum stating he dropped you and yopur husband is leaving you!!!

Reply to Rob
Posted by: Beth | 2010-08-17

He''s lying to u..he said he does not want to b serious so what makes u think that he will ever want to settle down..If u leave ur husband bcos of sex from from wheever u will regret my dear

Reply to Beth
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-08-17

You seem to be describing a situation which has existed throughout the 16 years of marriage - is this so ? As you know, love and sex can be related but definitely not necessarily so. There is much sex without love, and some love without sex.
Are you Depressed, I wonder, or, rather, sad and frustrated. Depression is an illness, with characteristic symptoms ; sadness often needs to be dealt with by attending to its causes.
Is there any possibility of persuading your husband to join you in marriage counselling, to see if any of the problem is remediable ? It may not be that sexlessness is absolutely inevitable within your marriage, with appropriate help
Apart from the frustrations of waiting, what are you expecting when your friend has finished his exams, etc ? Is it really likely that you will divorce your husband and that the other guy will become your full-time partner ?

Reply to cybershrink

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