Posted by: Brian | 2013-02-19

In Love and in Dilemma

Hi All. I am 40yrs old with two kids from a single mom (parted ways long time ago) and in love with a 28yrs old lady with two kids of her own (both different dads) as well. We are both head over heels with each other and have moved in together already. Three months into the relationship we have discussed our past lives and i think we were both honest about everything. Mine was very stable, three long-term relationships including the mother of my kids. She was involved with the bad (notorius) guys in two of her relationships and was once voilently raped before she had kids. I happen to know all of her previous boyfriends (six of them) before i knew her and never knew of these relationships until i met her. One of them a distant relative of mine of which we see occassionaly since he stays in the same neighborhood. This guy once confided in me (out of the blue) that he regrets losing her and went on telling how sex was good between them, i just brushed it off then. The father of her first born child dissapeared and never supported the child, she was then involved with an old married man for financial gain (she confided that as well) though she insisted that they never had sex. My girlfriend has assured me that she is over and done with all her past men including the rape. I assist her by supporting her kids since she is unemployed, she never finished high school because of involvement with the bad guys. The father of the second child also broke up with her and once in a while he send some money for the kid, my girlfriend is not keen to get child maintenance from him. All this keeps on coming up my mind though i try to leave it in the past and always when we have a fight these issues always clouds me. I have never brought these things up in any of our fights but i realise that no matter how much i love her, this is killing me. I really love her but i have feelings that this relationship will never work in the future, i have noticed that we are having more fights over issues some of them petty. This is now starting to affect my sexual perfomance with her. The relationship is 8 months old and in the past, her past life never bothered me. We did discuss marriage and having our baby together but i cant outlive her past.
I also had introduced her to my parents when the relationship was new and now it worries me as to how would they react should they happen to know her past. The raised me following strong Christian principles and i also made sure not to be involved in bad stuff and people.
I feel now recently that i am in this because of pitty also at the same time i feel strong love feelings for her.
Please guys, what will be the best thing to do in this situation. I am a graduate with a stable job.
Thanks and God Bless.

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Our expert says:
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Maybe your instincts and concerns are sensible ? Her past, even if she now seems to be being frank in disclosing details about what happened, is one of peristent instability and poor judgement over a fairly extended period of time. And it seems luxurious not to have gone to Maintenance Court to get awarded proper maintenance payments for each of her children ( that's to benefit the kids, not her, and they should not have suffered because she felt fastidious about doing this )
while she's apparently content to have you pay for them.
Sometimes its not easy to distinguish between strong feelings of pity and love. In the long run this relationship might not be the best for the happiness and well-being of you, her or the children. Having a baby together, if this has not yet been started, would hardly be a good idea at this time. Take your time

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: jasantha | 2013-03-05

Love is blind. Seldom people find love and here you have it but you doubting it because of her past. Have you ever considered that what if the role was reversed what if you were a single dad with two kids from two different mothers with a notorious dating record, but decided to give it up because you loved her. She would love you back just as hard as she did before three months ago. You need to understand that sure she could have not told you and everything would have been peachy but she confided in you because she knows that you are her support structure and doubt is breaks in that structure. She has made some questionable decisions we know this but if you resent and frown upon her now when she is most vaunerable, what makes you any better than those other guys. This is a test in your relationship and now is the time to Love your woman because you cant even begin to imagine, neither can i, what it took for her to tell the man that she loves all her faults.

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