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Posted by: Liza | 2009-03-11

If you want to commit suicide, Read this

On the 16th of December some years ago, I tried to commit suicide. I didn' t write a suicide note, I didn' t pre-plan the event - nothing. It was a spur-of-the-moment decision when I just felt I couldn' t go on. Why would I be that depressed? Well, I lost my job because I was bipolar. This lead to my car, my house and some other things being repossessed. I had nothing of value left except my children and at the time I didn' t even think about what my suicide would do to my children. I just bought a bottle of vodka and drank all the pills in my possession with the vodka. I drank - 90 Schedule 5 tranquillizers and sleeping tablets. 90 Anti-psychotics. 120 Anti-depressants as well as 120 mood-stabilizers. That is a total of about 420 pills.

Luckily my brother found me early enough - I was already unconscious - but he put me in his car and rushed me to hospital. Four days later after various antidotes etc. I regained consciousness. Not that I can remember much - my brother took a photograph of me smoking my first cigarette after awaking. That photo remains in my possession and I look at it whenever I have suicide thoughts, asking myself if I want to go back there. I' ve damaged my kidneys and my liver. Some of the damage has been reversed through healthy living - but some of the damage will never be reversed and will probably cause problems later in life.

For the next 2 years, I tried to find a job unsuccessfully. That was really hard. I was dependant on my brother and mother to take care of me. Close to the end of last year, I got an email from a recruitment agency about a job in Cape Town. I took the plunge and sent them my CV. A week later I had the job. I' m slowly starting to rebuild my life. Its definitely not easy. Due to the repossessions and unpaid accounts, I cannot get credit anywhere. I' ve personally found that this is a blessing in disguise. No more living beyond my means. I travel by minibus-taxi to work and back home. No worries about whether I will be able to afford car payments or insurance on the vehicle. No worries about whether I' ve overspent on a clothing account or credit card. I am content. I' ve found that I just don' t care about money anymore. If I can afford something - fine, I' ll get it. If I can' t afford it - also fine, I' ll just do without.

Picking myself back up again has been a slow and painstaking process, but I did it. And even though I still have frequent problems due to my bipolar (mostly anxiety and depression and occasionally hypomania) I' m proud of myself for what I' ve been able to achieve with the resources I had.

So if you want to commit suicide - remember that the grass isn' t always greener on the other side. You' ll also find that you get resources to help you in the strangest places sometimes. And don' t think - all very well and good, but I can' t afford to go see a psychiatrist. The state does have numerous mental clinics where you can chat to a psychiatrist free of charge. Medication is also free of charge - unless you go to a hospital instead of a clinic in which case they usually charge a nominal fee. So get help! You just have to find out where your nearest mental health clinic is if you can' t afford private medical assistance.

Good luck to all
Liza

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Thank you so very much, Liza, for your kind and inspiring message -- and hearty congratulations on your achievements so far, with more to come, I'm sure. You are so right that there are unintended consequences to a suicide attempt, way beyond what anyone thinks of when in such a situation.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Nono | 2009-03-12

Liz thanx for your advise cos right now i feel so worthless and dying seems like an easy option bt i have this adorable duaghter that i simply cant leave behind. I' m not sure how long can I hold on, I' m trying for my baby' s sake but believe me its so so hard. Please help!
I keep telling myself its not over yet but i feel like i' m fighting a losing battle.

Reply to Nono
Posted by: B | 2009-03-12

I also tried to commit suicide by the end of last year. I drank panado' s and some red wine. Apparently I didn' t drink enough pills to kills me. I have just started a new job after studying, and had no medical aid.

When my friends found me I was taken to a state hospital. It was not a nice experience. They made me drink this horrible charcoal mix. I felt like I was vomiting my lungs out. I had to sit among a lot of really sick people. I was treated like a prisoner. I was the " OD" . I could not go to the bathroom on my own. I could not go outside on my own. A policeman came in during the night with a prisoner. The policeman sat beside me with his gun on my side. The security guard to him to either move away from me, or to move his gun to the other side.

After a very long wait, I told the doctor that I was leaving, that it was my choice to leave, that it was my right as a human being to choose what I think is best for me and that I was feeling better, she told me that I forfeited my human rights when I decided to take my own life. That I am considered a danger to myself and that if I ran away she would send out the police to go and hunt me down!

I had just finished a Masters degree. And I thought to myself who does this b****** think she is talking to me like that? Then it was as if my eyes opened. I asked myself what am I doing here? Why did I do it? And I started to see all the things that I have to live for.

I don' t want to ever be treated like that again. Yes, I still have thoughts of committing suicide, but I' m taking it one step at a time. When I came home from the hospital, I still had some of the panado' s left, as well as other medication.

About one month after the incident I decided to throw all the pills away. It was so difficult, because it felt like the notion of taking my own life was the only thing that I could hold on to in order for me to be able to deal with everything. Almost as if there was always a way out. When I threw the pills away I lwept. It felt as if a part of me was gone. But I also felt lighter.

I don' t know whether I will attempt to commit suicide again, but at the moment I feel that I will never ever want to go through that experience again if I fail in taking my own life!!

Reply to B
Posted by: Ja | 2009-03-12

Hey! its OK to accept some pats on the back - hell.... youve made MY day! Good going! Now pat yourself on the back as well!

Reply to Ja
Posted by: Bee | 2009-03-11

well done, you have achieved so so much and although I don' t know you, I am so proud of you! you are an example to all of us!

Reply to Bee
Posted by: Liza | 2009-03-11

Thank you for the well-wishes etc. but that is not why I posted this. I want whomever reads this to think a little bit further before they decide to take the last step.

Believe me - no-one wants to be tied to a hospital bed after an overdose because you went slightly nutty and moved like a tornado through the ward, leaving a wake of destruction before 3 female nurses, 1 male nurse and a security guard manages to wrestle you back to your hospital bed and then ties you up. The embarassment of wetting the bed 3 times, because you can' t go to the bathroom and the nurses ignore your calling for a bedpan. Then the layer of skin coming off with the plaster tape as you chew at your restraints like an animal...

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Rick | 2009-03-11

Good for you!

Reply to Rick
Posted by: L | 2009-03-11

Liza you must be very proud of yourself.
I pray that you may have strength to face each day.
Life is not easy.
God Bless

Reply to L
Posted by: Really | 2009-03-11

Congratulations... you can brag about it because you tried it and you came out of it alive....and the Greatest thing is that you have learnt from it and you are beyond those thoughts of wanting to die. HANDS UP FOR YOU.

People that really want to commit suicide, don' t usually tell the whole world, unless they are looking for help. And when help is being offered, sufferes should be open to it.... not keep on pushing as if they are there to make other people feel a responsibility towards them. Everyone is their own responsibilty and not all of us will ever have everything we want... That' s Life and fortunately or unfortunately... we all have to deal with it! :-)

Reply to Really
Posted by: T | 2009-03-11

Well done! And well said!

Reply to T

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