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Posted by: Jen | 2011-12-23

I’ m tired of being the enemy.

I don’ t even know where to start…  I’ m so tired of this. I’ ve been with my fiancé  for eight years (made the decision to get married a few months back, well I actually told him if he doesn’ t marry me I’ m leaving). We met when I was 16 and he was 20. I was going through an extremely hard time in my life when I met him. Safe to say, I was extremely unhappy and participating in self mutilation, sneaking out the house, partying and drinking. I started to become happier a few months after I met him, but I had still done some things that to this day, I am not proud of. And to this day, my fiancé  still brings up the mistakes of my past.


Last night, or rather early this morning, we had a huge fight about it. He went out with a friend, I asked him please to be home before 23:00 because we both have to work, I’ m sick and our dog has stomach issues so I’ ve had to put her out several times and watch her, in the rain, to make sure she does her business outside and not inside. At 23:15 I asked him where he was and he said he wanted to watch the end of the soccer game. He said he’ d be home after the game, should have been around 00:10. Well, he got home at 01:00. I was furious because he has this habit where he goes out, says he’ ll be home at a certain time, DOESN’ T come home at that time, lies and says he’ s on his way home and will rock up sometimes three hours later. So last night I fought with him when he got back because he pulled the same stunt. Then he had the audacity to get angry at me FOR THE THINGS I DID EIGHT YEARS AGO!!! He went on about how I’ m this, how I did that, why did I do this, etc. Now my fiancé  is the type of person that will take EVERYTHING that I say and twist it into an admission of guilt or an admission that I agree with him and his stupid accusations. When I don’ t defend myself, he says I agree with him. When I do defend myself, he says I defend myself too much, why? He seems to have gotten it into his head that I am interested in the friend he went out with. Why? Because I asked my fiancé  if he minded if I invited said friend to be my friend on FaceBook. My fiancé  says that I never asked if he minded if I invite any of his other friends. I say I’ ve known his friends for 8 years, and in essence they have been my friends too so why should I ask? This friend that he thinks I am interested in, I didn’ t know who he was and I probably would never know if we were not giving him a lift home everyday. What is so wrong with what I did? But now apparently I want to sleep with him and all sorts of other vulgar things. Please, he’ s got plenty of girls on his BlackBerry that I don’ t even know but I don’ t fight with him about that. He’ s got a very big problem, a very low self esteem and I have done everything to try make him feel better about himself.


So I told my fiancé  last night he either accepts what I say or leave. I’ m tired of justifying and defending myself. I’ m tired of being punished for my mistakes as a stupid teen. I’ m tired of being punished for HIS paranoia and HIS issues. So, he opted to leave. Whether he is serious or not, I don’ t know. I just don’ t know what to do anymore. I’ ve tried to get him to go for counseling, I’ ve tried to get him to agree with couples counseling, I’ ve done nothing but try prove myself and my loyalty to him over the years. Nothing works. A lot of the time, he’ s really nice and sweet. He buys me chocolate and tells me how much he loves me and makes me tea. Some of the time, he’ s the nicest person on the plant and he makes me feel like the best thing since sliced bread. And then he pulls this kind of thing that just destroys me. I am so devastated and tired and don’ t know if it’ s worth it anymore.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It's a pretty typical tactic, to avoid dealing with the mistakes he made today, to raise issues about something you did years ago. The puzzle to mos readers of your message, would be why you are still his fiancee, and why you accept his annoying habits.
Have you asked him whether you have been so magnificant for the past 8 years, that the only things he can find to argue about are what you did 8 years ago ? What a compliment !
Some people have low selfoesteem, some just happen to be as feeble as they think they are.
The aim is for you to be a partner / spouse, not a therapist treating his low self-esteem and other problems.
Stop trying to prove yourself to him, as that just encourages his meddling and paranoia. How about him proving himself to you ? If he leaves and stays left, maybe you won't have lost as much as you think.
When there are obvioujs problems and someone refuses to take part sincerely in counselling, that shows they don't want to solve problems.
Even monsters can be nice some of the time - that's not the question, really.
Some of these problems can arise more easily when you start a relationship as young as you did.
Feel free to let this end, you surely deserve someone more mature and committed to problem-solving than this guy.
And maybe Honest is right about how this might help the poor dog's digestive problems !

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5
Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-12-24

It's a pretty typical tactic, to avoid dealing with the mistakes he made today, to raise issues about something you did years ago. The puzzle to mos readers of your message, would be why you are still his fiancee, and why you accept his annoying habits.
Have you asked him whether you have been so magnificant for the past 8 years, that the only things he can find to argue about are what you did 8 years ago ? What a compliment !
Some people have low selfoesteem, some just happen to be as feeble as they think they are.
The aim is for you to be a partner / spouse, not a therapist treating his low self-esteem and other problems.
Stop trying to prove yourself to him, as that just encourages his meddling and paranoia. How about him proving himself to you ? If he leaves and stays left, maybe you won't have lost as much as you think.
When there are obvioujs problems and someone refuses to take part sincerely in counselling, that shows they don't want to solve problems.
Even monsters can be nice some of the time - that's not the question, really.
Some of these problems can arise more easily when you start a relationship as young as you did.
Feel free to let this end, you surely deserve someone more mature and committed to problem-solving than this guy.
And maybe Honest is right about how this might help the poor dog's digestive problems !

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Honest | 2011-12-23

maria said they had grown up and changed alot - l do not think they have grown up at all.....they both sound like teenagers.......
emotionally mature adults do not argue over facebook friends

l agreed with maria in how l would deal with this situation - call it
quits........

l think the dogs digestive problems will cure themselves when this couple splits. living under such tension is affecting the dogs bowels

Reply to Honest
Posted by: Reader | 2011-12-23

I''m curious Honest... You always come across as holier than thou in your posts. Maria mentioned they are at different emotional stages and you say they are not emotionally mature. Pray tell, how do you come up with that? And please actually give advice to the poor poster how YOU would deal with it, instead of not actually helping.

Reply to Reader
Posted by: Honest | 2011-12-23

l disagree maria, these two do not seem to have grown up at all!

Neither have emotional maturity so you are right about calling it quits, they are not mature enough to date let alone commit to marriage

Reply to Honest
Posted by: Maria | 2011-12-23

You were very young when you met and have obviously both grown up and changed a lot since then. At the moment it sounds as if you are perhaps at different levels in terms of emotional maturity, and what you want out of life. I don''t think there is any shame in calling it quits, it will be scary after all this time but if neither of you are really happy in the relationship then why keep punishing yourself?

Reply to Maria

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