Posted by: Phindi | 2009-06-19

I' m confused and hurting.

My fiance and I are having problems, he likes drinking and staying up late with his friends. This has been happening for some time now, he comes home in the early hours sometimes he doesnt sleep home. We are not in speaking terms and the last time we made love was two months ago. He send'  s text msg'  s to girls at 3am asking them if he can come over.

I think he is cheating on me, i'  m not happy in this relationship, i want to leave him but i love him too much. I'  m afraid that this will affect our children, we have 2 kids, a girl of 6yrs and a boy of 1yr and 5mnths. His phone is forever on silence, i know that a cell phone is private propertie but we shouldnt have secrets for each other. I was getting tired of his habits hence i went through his phone, i suppose i got what i wanted. I confronted him and all he could say is "  I Love You"  and he said i'  m reading too much into things.

What must i do, were planning to get married in Feb next year, and i'  m not sure if i must do it?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

A boy who still thinks it wise to go ou drinking with friends and stay out late, is not man enough to get married. And visiting other girls at 3 am ? There's no way you could "read too much" into that. It's very clear. He isn't visiting them to play chess or listen to gospel music. This is nothing like someone who deserves your love or marriage. And he risks picking up HIV and other STD and infecting you, thus risking your life. You sounds much too sensible to marry such a boy. See a counsellor, if necessay, to help you develop the strength to look after yourself and your children, and leave this boy to grow up, on his own.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Phindi | 2009-06-19

Thank you Liza.

Reply to Phindi
Posted by: Liza | 2009-06-19

Unfortunately CS doesn' t re-read posts after he has replied. He also doesn' t recommend particular doctors/therapists. Call the Depression and Anxiety Group helpline - the phone number is at the top of the page. They will be able to help you out with a therapist in your area.

And remember - if you have the guts to study distance through Unisa, you definitely have the guts to make it on your own!

Good Luck

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Phindi | 2009-06-19

cybershrink: Do you perhaps know of a good counsellor i should consult with, i think the sooner i do this the better? I reside in Midrand, Vorna Valley, i dont mind travelling to see one around those areas, sandton, randburg, midrand, fourways. Please advice.

Reply to Phindi
Posted by: Phindi | 2009-06-19

I actually know that i must leave him, i should have done this long time ago, but i suppose i' m afraid to do so. I just got myself another job, good environment, good pay cheque. I' m furthering my studies with Unisa doing law, it' s my 2nd year. I want a healthy life for my kids and i think by sticking around wont be healthy for them. My six yr old daughter has noticed that daddy sometimes sleeps out.

I' m praying to God to grant me courage to face him and end this relationship and start a new life with my kids.

Reply to Phindi
Posted by: Rubi | 2009-06-19

Please dont do it. I know and acknowledge how difficult it must be but please dont marry him. He will not change in the marriange and at the end of the day you are sitting with 3 children and still no " him" . Chances are that he is cheating and that he knows you would not leave and he is taking advantage of that. We can all give you advice but you have to make that choice. Just remember you have two beautiful kids already from one man. You can still have a wonderful life! All of the best!

Reply to Rubi

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