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Question
Posted by: Kate | 2011/03/18

I want to love him and I dont want to love him

I am not sure what will it take for me to overcome this fear.
I was used played and undermined in my past relationships where at times I ask myself if it was a relationship or was it just sex. I cannot bring myself to terms of overcoming the used played and undermined. Whenever I meet someone I see all negative things and I become very scared. I met this person and he seems like a nice guy but I am scared he might do the same again. I am so scared where I wish I can defend myself by ending the relationship before he does. Whenever he calls and does not call me love I worry and start to think maybe he is with someone. I don’ t want to lose him and again I want to lose him I feel he is the one but I rather end it before he disappoint me like what others did. I rather quit now before I regret having him into my heart and life. We were suppose to be together last night of which he told me yesterday in the morning saying we rather postponed it for today since he wants to spend the long weekend with me and I was so disappointed thinking maybe he is avoiding me like what others did previously I had a sleepless night thinking maybe he has lost interest in me like what others did.
I never had a relationship that lasted for over a month they all come and go. I have been single for over a year now. I am so scared of losing him I want to love him and I don’ t want to love him

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

In't that called Ambivalence ? But what you are describing is a reasonably common sequal to having been badly hurt in a relationship in which you were msitreated, and deserves proper psychotherapy or expert counselling. It sounds as though you may see risk where there is none. After only a couple of weeks, it's too early to worry about whether you LOVE him - do you even like him ? Try being friends for much oonger before wading into lurv.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/03/19

In't that called Ambivalence ? But what you are describing is a reasonably common sequal to having been badly hurt in a relationship in which you were msitreated, and deserves proper psychotherapy or expert counselling. It sounds as though you may see risk where there is none. After only a couple of weeks, it's too early to worry about whether you LOVE him - do you even like him ? Try being friends for much oonger before wading into lurv.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Truth | 2011/03/18

You say u have never had a relationship that lasted for over a month. Basically you have never really had a relationship. You can never determine in 4 weeks if you love someone.

Reply to Truth
Posted by: Romany | 2011/03/18

I have no idea how long you have known this person but I have a feeling it has not been long.
May I suggest that before you wonder if you should love him or not, you spend some time getting to know him and find out if you like him or not, if you are compatible, if he can be trusted etc.
There is no rush, take it easy........
It will happen when it should and remember not all guys are bad.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Happiness | 2011/03/18


My best friend has the same issue and its ruining her only good relationship! The father of her child hurt her badly before. And now she can''t trust any man at all and believes they are all the same. Its so sad because her current boyfriend is the real deal and she''s failing to see that. Eventually she''ll all alone again.

I think some kind of counselling can help make you understand that we are not responsible for other people''s behaviors and we can''t change them.

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: Dot | 2011/03/18

Your very insecure and this seems to undermine much of your life.
You need to free yourself from your past and move on, you have nothing to lose either way.

Reply to Dot
Posted by: Helper | 2011/03/18

I believe that you do not have a positive opinion of yourself and not due to past relationships. Because of your lack of self belief ,you were abused. The moment a preditor senses vulnerability they will take advantage, as in your case. Your fear of being rejected makes you needy and you believe that if you throw yourself at the persons feet they will react positively to you. Not so. They will pick up on your weaknesses as the others have done and the abuse will continue as before. Perhaps research a programme that offers assistance in developing self confidence and teaches you how to be more outgoing, At the moment you are your worst enemy.

Reply to Helper

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