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Question
Posted by: Sarah | 2010/01/17

I want to Leave the marriage

it' s hard for me to forgive my husband of cheatin on me 5ys ago. It was such a devsting period in my life and when it happened I was determined to save my marriage. But sadly my husband never stopped the affair until after 7 months afer I found out abt the affair. That yr 2005 we fought all year around becoz my husband didn' t want to let go of his mitress. Ine day he told me he just can' t leav her bcause he' s got feelings for her and you just stop overnight to have feelings for somebody. And then it was I can' t just leave her she' s such a good prson, she s been so good to me and she is struggling with letting me go. Believe it or not I stayed. I had to physically fight him for the affair to end. How undermined I was then. I askedhim over and over for us to go for marriage coounseling and he said why wve been there the previous year why cnt we use the knowledge we got there. I saidbut that' s before you had an affair and he said well hy don' t you go by yourself because you are the one who is bothered by the affair. I did go for counseling by myself and my couselor encouragd me to leave him and she told me why I should but I wasn' t ready to leave then. We had a baby in 07 and in 08 he came home with a positive hiv result. Ever since then I' ve seen him changing, acknowldging me more amd doing other things. I ask myself why r u doing all this now, why now is it because you' re hiv +ve?? He even agreed that we shold go for counseling. Now I want to leave him because I feel like I' m his toy, now that he' s sick he wants to do a counselling after so many yrs of heartache. Why couldn' t he just leave that woman, why? Yes he regrets it, he regrets the affair and how he handled it. From 2005 I haven' t been able to look at my husband the same way. I wanna free myself from this man, ofcourse I feel for my kids.
What r your thoughts? Need advice.
Thanks

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Of course it was devastating, and espcially offensive because he chose to continue the affair even after you knew about it. And how DARE he have argued with you that he couldn't leave hsi mistress "because he had feelings for her" - why didn't he have far more feelings for you ?
And of course she was NOT "a good person" - a good person does not choose to have and keep up, an adulterous relationship with aother woman's husband ! It sounds as though he, the toad, refused to take any responsibility whatever for his deliberate irresponsibility and cruelty.
And he didn't become HIV positive all on his own - he MUST have been having other affairs at that time, too. And he didn't care about whether you or the child became HIV positive because of him.
I suspect he is now modifying his behaviour because his friends know and women who are negative don't want to have sex with him, and because he knws he is likely to become seriously ill, and none of those mistresses would stay to look after him when he needs it, and he is assuming that you will.
I see no reason why you owe him any such thing, or why you shouldn't leave him and look after yourself and the child. You can still go to court and have a maintenance order reqire him to pay towards the child's needs.

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5
Our users say:
Posted by: Giga | 2010/01/18

eishhh Sarah, I hope you are negative.you should have left the bustard after he continued cheating.

Reply to Giga
Posted by: Rubs | 2010/01/18

Leave the Bastard Sarah. You and your baby deserves so much and he is not worth it.

If you are also positive, then the is no reason enough that will make you stay with the mother -|- er.

He is being punished for treating you this way so leave him alone to start your own family just you and your baby.

Good Luck!!!

Reply to Rubs
Posted by: Blosom | 2010/01/17

Sarah, leave the marriage! My mother had the same situation as you, her husband never changed. He gave her HIV and infected other women too. My mother died two years after he did, she never messed around yet died of AIDS inflicted by a selfish, arrogan pig, leaving devasted children behind. You deserve better, he has no concience. The other woman can take care of him. He is an idiot.

Reply to Blosom
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2010/01/17

My word, what on earth have you been doing with your life ? Wake up woman !! Cheating, first time no matter, is a marriage killer. There can be no forgiveness, no second chance, no reconciliation. He has NO respect for you, I am sure you can see that, and then to top it off he gives you a baby AND he is HIV positive ??? Well I hope you are clean as is your baby. Listen to me now, you HAVE to get right out of that so called relationship that you are in. Too bad if he is ill, its his problem and no longer yours. Make sure you get a good maintenance order and be done with him. His mistress can look after him now. Salvage whatever self respect you may still have and do the right thing for you and your baby. Give us some feedback.

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/01/17

Of course it was devastating, and espcially offensive because he chose to continue the affair even after you knew about it. And how DARE he have argued with you that he couldn't leave hsi mistress "because he had feelings for her" - why didn't he have far more feelings for you ?
And of course she was NOT "a good person" - a good person does not choose to have and keep up, an adulterous relationship with aother woman's husband ! It sounds as though he, the toad, refused to take any responsibility whatever for his deliberate irresponsibility and cruelty.
And he didn't become HIV positive all on his own - he MUST have been having other affairs at that time, too. And he didn't care about whether you or the child became HIV positive because of him.
I suspect he is now modifying his behaviour because his friends know and women who are negative don't want to have sex with him, and because he knws he is likely to become seriously ill, and none of those mistresses would stay to look after him when he needs it, and he is assuming that you will.
I see no reason why you owe him any such thing, or why you shouldn't leave him and look after yourself and the child. You can still go to court and have a maintenance order reqire him to pay towards the child's needs.

Reply to cybershrink

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