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Question
Posted by: so very sad | 2010/09/06

I want to be normal.

I am 39yrs old and so very sad. My entire life I have never felt normal. It feels as if i have been trapped in a glass cage and never got a chance to breathe...I am drowning but can''t die. As a child I thought it was my duty to help others as I was a big, fat, nothing. I grew up hating myself because of what others did and said. I became disconnected from life and let life pass me by. I was the good, perfect, daughter except I was fat &  ugly and therefore an embarrassment to my family. Even today, I still find it hard to listen to my body''s signals i.e. drink water when i''m thirsty or going to the bathroom when I need to. Because of not having any respect for myself as a human being, I abused myself in various ways because I thought I was not good enough. I grew up believing I was a big, fat, joke. Yes, I was the perfect friend to others but had no friends of my own. Can you believe that I thought it was okay for my uncle to molest me and I actually felt sorry for him? My past is haunting me and I am in therapy but it is difficult for me to accept myself, especially after the damage I have done to my body. I became my biggest critic and abuser. I so much want to live a happy, healthy life but am stuck in this black hole. What also makes things worse is that I have lost my religion. I don''t feel real  I feel like a robot, I feel empty and dead inside. I have never done anything normal children, teenagers, adults do and It feels as if I have been stuck in a bad dream. I feel totally disconnected from life and everything around me. My life only consists of going to work and hiding at home. I am terrified of being amonst people for fear of being judged or ridiculed as this is what has happened most of my life. After 39yrs, I have nothing to be proud of. I am not looking for sympathy, I just need answers to questions I don''t even know. I have no identity. I am a binge eater and have been dieting since a young child. Food was/is my friend and enemy. I hate who and what I am. I wish I could turn back the clock, but I know I can''t. I don''t want to die because of being morbidly obese. I am slowly killing myself and want to stop. What hurts more than anything else is that I am judged on my appearance. I know people think I am a stupid, pathetic, fat, slob who has no willpower. What they don''t know is that I hate everything about myself, right down to the sound of my voice. I wish I didn''t have to eat. I have a wonderful psychologist and I know he is frustrated because I am not stupid but I can''t do what I have to do. I don''t know why I am stuck in the past.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Some of us are unfortunate enough to grow up in a highly psychologically toxic environment, such as you seem to be describing, learning to hate ourselves, to blame ourselves for the bad deeds of others, and not to expect enough from life.
Sadly, you seem to have taken over the role of abuser from the rotten people who abused you.
Its wise that you are in therapy, and I hope you have a skilled therapist working with a realistic and modern method to help you change the warped and unhelpful habits of thought and attitude you have learned and need to modify.
But please stop telling yourself you CAN'T do what you need to do -that creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Remind yourself that even though it might feel difficult at first, you CAN

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Happiness | 2010/09/08

If only it was that easy for those who are not fat not to judge. You see we are all fighting our demons. And its easier to take it out on others than to face them. Its never too late, the fact that you are getting help means a lot. Maybe Im read one too many psychology books but I now believe that its a matter of teaching your brain new coping skills. Combine this with God and you''re home free. God bless you.

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: R | 2010/09/06

SOmetimes you just need to challenge yourself, prove to yourself how strong you really are. Set certain goals for what you really want, decide how u think u can get there and start to work at it. SOmetimes its all a matter of changing your mindset, and this is hard work in itself, but you must if change needs to be seen.

Reply to R
Posted by: R | 2010/09/06

SOmetimes you just need to challenge yourself, prove to yourself how strong you really are. Set certain goals for what you really want, decide how u think u can get there and start to work at it. SOmetimes its all a matter of changing your mindset, and this is hard work in itself, but you must if change needs to be seen.

Reply to R
Posted by: R | 2010/09/06

SOmetimes you just need to challenge yourself, prove to yourself how strong you really are. Set certain goals for what you really want, decide how u think u can get there and start to work at it. SOmetimes its all a matter of changing your mindset, and this is hard work in itself, but you must if change needs to be seen.

Reply to R
Posted by: R | 2010/09/06

SOmetimes you just need to challenge yourself, prove to yourself how strong you really are. Set certain goals for what you really want, decide how u think u can get there and start to work at it. SOmetimes its all a matter of changing your mindset, and this is hard work in itself, but you must if change needs to be seen.

Reply to R
Posted by: R | 2010/09/06

SOmetimes you just need to challenge yourself, prove to yourself how strong you really are. Set certain goals for what you really want, decide how u think u can get there and start to work at it. SOmetimes its all a matter of changing your mindset, and this is hard work in itself, but you must if change needs to be seen.

Reply to R
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/09/06

Some of us are unfortunate enough to grow up in a highly psychologically toxic environment, such as you seem to be describing, learning to hate ourselves, to blame ourselves for the bad deeds of others, and not to expect enough from life.
Sadly, you seem to have taken over the role of abuser from the rotten people who abused you.
Its wise that you are in therapy, and I hope you have a skilled therapist working with a realistic and modern method to help you change the warped and unhelpful habits of thought and attitude you have learned and need to modify.
But please stop telling yourself you CAN'T do what you need to do -that creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Remind yourself that even though it might feel difficult at first, you CAN

Reply to cybershrink

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