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Question
Posted by: Sam | 2012/12/03

I think I''ve had enough

My husband went away for the week and returned yesterday. My cousins and I bonded over the weekend and I got home very late. My 1 cousin slept over at my place and she slept in our bed. I did not think anything of it as we were chatting and she fell asleep. My husband interrogated my kids without my knowledge and as a result he is furious because:
1) I did not tell him that she is sleeping over
2) Because I went to my cousin’ s house without his knowledge
3) That I was driving around with the kids late at night.
I’ m fed up with this man. He treats me like a child and anything I want to do must 1st get his stamp of approval.
I have 2 kids (8 & 18) and after my husband shouted at me for letting my cousin sleep in our bed, my son came to me and said he is sorry.
What example am I setting for my daughter, am I telling her indirectly that’ s how some men treat their partners?

I feel depressed today and don''t feel like going home.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I'm sceptical about the fashionable excuse of "bonding" for just choosing to have fun together. Sounds more like partying. But anyhow, call a spade a spade.
But what actually happened sounds innocent enough ; except - who was looking after the kids if you, their mother, in the absence of the father, chose to go out partying until very late at night ?
Its not great for your husband to have interrogated the kids without your knowing, but had he had previous experiences of you getting up to social things when he is away and leaving the kids alone, and not telling him ? The 18-year-old may be OK, but not a child of 8.
If he's being possesive and controlling, that's not a good thing. If he has any good reason to worry that you may have acted irresponsibly ( driving round with the kids late at night just to suit your social plans. for instance ) then it might be much more reasonable.
For him to treat you as a child woulld not be good ; for you to behave childishly, wouldn't be good either. Its not unreasonable for him to want to have been told you were planning to go out, either leaving the kids alone, or dragging them, out late. Were you or whoever else was driving, drinking, too ?
They're his kids as well as yours.
If you feel that what you did was entirely reasonable, why didn't you tell him in the first place ? That removes the sting from the situation, and looks as though nothing went wrong. Its not necessarily about asking for approval, as for providing information which a reasonable person would want to know about

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5
Our users say:
Posted by: Respectable | 2012/12/05

Hi Sam.

Your husband thinks it''s the material things in life. What men like your husband don''t realize is, we women are capable of taking care of ourselves and our young. And him talking to your daughter is mind blowing. I have never heard of parents telling or talking about their problems to their children. He is trying to make you look like the bad or wrong one by our children. We women. May not have the material things neither do we have the urge or need for such things. We atleast have a family who supports us and who are always there to help us see the light at the end of
that dark tunnel. Be strong. Next him says you won''t get this that etc. All what you must say is. "  I don''t need any o that" .

Goodluck.
P.S: sorry for the double posting previously. I realized I made to many mistakes in my previous posting:

Reply to Respectable
Posted by: Sam | 2012/12/04

Txs Respectable!!!

Sam, we had another argument yesterday and i was told quite frankly if I''m so unhappy I can get a Divorce and I should not hold onto the house. Yesterday he also took the kids for breakfast and told my daughter if things dont come right soon between us, we are going to divorce. Well, I have had enough and can and will be able to provide for my kids. I dont need his house.

Reply to Sam
Posted by: Respectable | 2012/12/03

Your husband seems to want to control you. Make you live your life in a box. Where anything you say or do. You must ask for his "   approval"   . Make it clear to him, you not his child! You the woman who he sleeps with! And shares the same bed with! I strongly suggest trying to record your conversations with him. For future references. Also make it clear to him, if he dares try such a trick. He''''ll be slapped with a divorce.

Good luck.

Reply to Respectable
Posted by: Respectable | 2012/12/03

Your husband seems to want to control you. Make you life your life in box. Where anything you say or do. You must ask his " approval" . Make it clear to him, you not his child! You the woman who he sleeps with! And shares the same bed with! I strongly suggest trying to record your conversations with him. For future references. Also make it clear to him, if he dares try such a trick. He''ll be slapped with a divorce.

Good luck

Reply to Respectable
Posted by: Milla | 2012/12/03

I think your husband intorrogating the kids is a bit much and disrepectful towards you. He should''ve came to you and discussed it with you like an adult, so yes, that crosses a line in my book and you should chat to him about it. It is also not something that should be done in front of the kids, you should point that out to him, it''s not ok to make your marital arguments their problem.

But about having your cousin over and staying out late etc. it''s kind of understandable that he might be a bit upset by it. It''s his home too afterall and his kids aswell, he has atleast some right to know what''s going on when he''s not around. He probably wondered where the kids were while you went out? Did they go out with you or in whose care did you leave them? Did you drink at all and had to drive them or yourself home?

Those are the type of things I would worry about if I came home to house that was not the way I was led to believe it would be like. And I would wonder why my husband didn''t have the courtesy to let me know about these things. He wouldn''t need my APPROVAL as such, just let me know so that I know what to expect when I get home. It''s not asking much from a partner.

Reply to Milla

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