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Question
Posted by: siphiwe | 2010/11/02

I think I was a selfish man all this time

I am married to a very beautiful woman, and I have a daughter from another marriage who stays with us.

I think I have been unfair to my wife I am a very protective man towards my daughter and whenever she will ask her to do something I will never approve, cleaning the house or doing anything for her.

My daughter is also very cheeky towards my wife, which is also what I think I've allowed because whenever my wife tells me that she did something wrong to her I did not want to believe my wife.

I always come early from work - we will budget the money towards ourselves and leave my wife out of it. For birthdays I will buy for my daughter and lnot my wife's birthday.

Now I want to change this because she has found the book where we write our budget, me and my daughter. I can see that my wife has changed towards me.
On Monday I gave her R20 for lunch and she gave it back - she just said "thank you, I do have money for lunch".

I am thinking of giving her R2000 from my bonus for spending, but I know she will never take it because in my book I wrote that I am going to give 2500 to my daughter and also buy her a cell phone, so she will think that I am doing all this as a disguise, and yet I just want to change my motives.

I know this is all wrong. I know she will never take anything from me anymore, this is what she said. I am so heartbroken - she said I am making a fool of her, please assist.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

There are many selfish men around, but it's rare to find one who recognizes that and decides to change - so well done.

Don't make life more complicated than it already is, with the Book, and the crafty entries, and so on.

Remember that it is NOT good for any child / daughter to give her everything she wants ( real life is not like that and if she assumes it should be, she'll be miserable later on ).

It is almost child abuse to bring up a child without loving firm discipline, as they need reasonable boundaries within which to operate.

Just as you provide for her a room with walls rather than leaving her to sleep in the open veld, so you must give her the moral walls of rules and boundaries.

If you have resolved to change, show your wife the respect of sitting down with her and telling her how you have recognized how you have been doing things wrong, and asking her advice about how to change for the better.

And work together to plan a set of rules for the child's good behaviour which you can then discuss with the child, together.

Make it clear that she must show respect for father and mother, and that you will both be expecting the same good behaviour and will both work by the same rules.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: Happiness | 2010/11/02

So why did you get married if you get along so well with your daughter? What do you need a wife for if you allow your daughter to disrespect her? And what is sad is the fact that you only want to change your ways only because she found the book! If she didn''t find the book would you have bothered trying to change your ways? Discussing money issues with a child was just a plain insult to your wife, I''m sure she was wondering where does she fit in.
To confirm that you really don''t get it, you actually give your wife money to " make up"  for your lousy behavior!

It will take more than that. It will take you putting your child in her place, and your wife where she belongs, in the front seat.

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/11/02

There are many selfish men around, but it's rare to find one who recognizes that and decides to change - so well done.

Don't make life more complicated than it already is, with the Book, and the crafty entries, and so on.

Remember that it is NOT good for any child / daughter to give her everything she wants ( real life is not like that and if she assumes it should be, she'll be miserable later on ).

It is almost child abuse to bring up a child without loving firm discipline, as they need reasonable boundaries within which to operate.

Just as you provide for her a room with walls rather than leaving her to sleep in the open veld, so you must give her the moral walls of rules and boundaries.

If you have resolved to change, show your wife the respect of sitting down with her and telling her how you have recognized how you have been doing things wrong, and asking her advice about how to change for the better.

And work together to plan a set of rules for the child's good behaviour which you can then discuss with the child, together.

Make it clear that she must show respect for father and mother, and that you will both be expecting the same good behaviour and will both work by the same rules.

Reply to cybershrink

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