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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2010/11/15

I slapped him out of anger

I don’ t lose my temper and I don’ t argue unless I am really and truly angered. I met a guy a couple of months ago and he really seemed to be the right person for me, until I realised that he had a drinking problem at 29. He gets so drunk that he doesn’ t know that he calls me and insults me in the middle of the night. I called it quits and he begged me to take him back and help him get over the addiction to alcohol. The only time he doesn’ t drink is when he is working and then he drinks for 4 days non-stop. He had a car when we met and when he came back he didn’ t have one, when I asked him where it was he told me that he sold it because he wanted to take the money and build his property. Only to be told by a mutual friend on Saturday that he actually smashed his car in a drunken stupor and still he didn’ t tell me.

On Friday he invited me to go with him to a friend’ s house and I declined because he told me there was going to be drinks etc. I asked who I was going to talk to because when he gets drunk he ignores me and starts talking in his first language (we are different races and he has done this before). He told me that there was going to be kids. This got me upset and I told him I am 32yrs old and don’ t need to go out to talk to kids, and we also had other plans to see a movie which he apparently forgot about. He left promising to be back in an hour, he came back on Saturday afternoon at 2pm and left at 7pm on Friday night. Needless to say I was a bit upset but chose to say nothing. He has been staying with me because it’ s closer to work and I have basically been looking after him - he comes and goes as he pleases. As he walks into my flat he starts insulting me and telling me that I am nothing in his eyes and that I need to look at myself and realise that I have nothing and will achieve nothing in life. I don’ t know who he was with who was feeding him with nonsense. We ended up arguing and I told him that he stays with me and I didn’ t move in with me and he carried on until I slapped him because he was really saying hurtful things. I asked him nicely to take his things and leave and never to come back. In the apartment building I stay people knew that he came to see me and I told him to please not come there again. He told me to spite me he will find a woman in the building so that I can see them together everyday because I am not worth being with him. He didn’ t even know where the apartment was there he met people in the building because of me.

I feel that I lost myself because I stooped to his level and slapped him and cannot forgive myself for lashing out like this. I know I was wrong by doing this but I was really upset that he was insulting me in my own place where he was given boarding and lodging at my expense. I am really disappointed in myself and don’ t know where to go from here.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It will be impossible for you to help him get over his alcoholism on your own. At most, you could support and encourage him if he went to see a proper rehab psychiatrist and worked through a proper rehab progam and follow-up, perhaps including AA.
The way you have been looking after him makes it easier for him to remain alcoholic. You were right to reject him and evict him. COnsider getting a court order forbidding him to come within x metres of you or from harrassing you in any way.
Stop blaming yourself for responding understandably when faced with severe provocation from someone behaving REALLY badly.
Forgive yourself and move on - and if you find this hard to do, see a counsellor to help you put this kid behind you

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

7
Our users say:
Posted by: A | 2010/11/15

DO NOT GO BACK

Read my post no 976. That''s what happens if you don''t get rid of rubbish...

Reply to A
Posted by: Jordan | 2010/11/15

Good riddance.

Reply to Jordan
Posted by: anne | 2010/11/15

Where to go from here? On with your organised and peaceful life - without this person. If he says his sorry give him the number of Alcoholics Anonymous so that he can start attending. When he''s been dry for a year he can call you.

Reply to anne
Posted by: Joanne | 2010/11/15

I can''t think of even half a good reason that you should ever see this person again - no charm, no respect, no stability, no love, no prospects, and emotional and financial disasters are guaranteed.

Reply to Joanne
Posted by: Ella | 2010/11/15

I mean this in the nicest possible way..
I truly hope you slapped him right out of your life. Don''t look back, don''t feel remorseful, don''t apologise, don''t negotiate and don''t take him back.

Reply to Ella
Posted by: Just Me | 2010/11/15

No....no......no.....You can never be disappointed at your self. Gosh he pushed you, besides that he pushed you over the limit. He has a drinking problem. I can only say one thing to you. This is a NO GO relationship. It will never come to an end unless he goes for help. He will soon drag you too to the gutters. Soon he will use your car, also smash it and heaven ALONE knows what else. And yes, let him get a woman in the complex. Even better, you can only feel sorry for the poor victim that he “ conned” . Please, you worked hard for what you have, you did it alone and you sure as hell don''t need a alcoholic to take EVERYTHING away from you. And if they are soooooooo drunk, they cannot even perform in bed...Sorry, but yes, he is a no good and there''s nothing he can do for you, besides destroy you. Kick his behind to the curb!!!!!!!

Reply to Just Me
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/11/15

It will be impossible for you to help him get over his alcoholism on your own. At most, you could support and encourage him if he went to see a proper rehab psychiatrist and worked through a proper rehab progam and follow-up, perhaps including AA.
The way you have been looking after him makes it easier for him to remain alcoholic. You were right to reject him and evict him. COnsider getting a court order forbidding him to come within x metres of you or from harrassing you in any way.
Stop blaming yourself for responding understandably when faced with severe provocation from someone behaving REALLY badly.
Forgive yourself and move on - and if you find this hard to do, see a counsellor to help you put this kid behind you

Reply to cybershrink

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