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Question
Posted by: Trudy | 2010/01/08

I regret everyday

I have a long story but i will try to shorten it. I grew up i very strict family, my parents were leaders of the church and we lived a very strict life, i was not allowed to have friends who were not christians and i had to keep myself far from them.

S the moment a guy saw me and loved were at tertiary and i was on my third year and he was also in his final year, we were of the same religion but not one town, so started dating and our love was so strong that even during school holidays he used to come to my home town and i will have to lie at home that we are having a bible discussion with friends. so we contihued seeing each other until we both got jobs and then he had to come again and again where i stayed although i was still living with my parents but he had to ask from his work to come my workplace to see me.

one day he had to travel to japan because of his job, i missed him a lot but then he phoned everyday telling me how much he miss me and that when he comes back he gonna pay lobola to my parents, i was delighted about that coz that' s what we both wanted , we wanted to spend ourlives together and grow old together.

So the problem started when he came back from Japan, he never came to my place but only phoned me top say his car is broken, he will not manage to come, he spent the whole three months giving me excuses , so i decided to call it quits but i was bitterly hurt in y hurt, i love him so much that i did not want to loose him. so another guy saw me loved me and proposed and we got married but my hurt was still with my ex, i really regret that even today i still think of my ex, i imagine being married to him. and now i work closer to where he stays and this is not fair, my heart is stll bleeding, in fact i only married this man thinking i will be happy but i am not. i know myex is married now but that thought breaks my heart, and i cry when seeing him with wife, i respect his wife a lot but when i think that it was supposed to be me his wife, i just can' t handle it.

So recently he lost his father i really did not know whether to call him and say sorry for his father' s death, that was three months then his sister passed away both died in car accidents i did not call to say sorry again , i feel as if i owe him that i did not call or say somtehing, is it good for me to call or just to leave las if i know nothing, but deep down i feel the sadness and the grief of his family.

Please what must i do , help help. i still love him i know its not fair for his wife i don' t want to ruin his marriage, but what do i do only to let him know that yet i can' t have him but i still love him.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Long-distance relatioonships are often difficult. But I wonder how much of a REAL relationship this was, compared to what you hoped it was and what you hoped it might become.
It sounds as though the relationship was over, for him, quite a time ago, but that you have been reluctant to let go of it.
You worry, rightly, about spoiling his marriage - and what about your own ? You are not really committed to your own marriage because of always looking over your shoulder at something that never was, but which you wish might have been

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

4
Our users say:
Posted by: me | 2010/01/11

you are greedy!

Reply to me
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2010/01/09

Hi there. You have to be fair to yourself and realise that your first love did not in fact share the same feelings towards you. Do you get that ? He did not want to share his life with you and its over. I know its difficult to accept but once you do you will see how much better you feel about yourself and do justice to your husband and your marriage.
A great deal of what you feel is fantasy and as an adult you have to get real, and stop imagining what " might have been"  Get on with your life and when you do come to terms with it, you will see how silly you have been over it all.

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2010/01/09

Hi there. You have to be fair to yourself and realise that your first love did not in fact share the same feelings towards you. Do you get that ? He did not want to share his life with you and its over. I know its difficult to accept but once you do you will see how much better you feel about yourself and do justice to your husband and your marriage.
A great deal of what you feel is fantasy and as an adult you have to get real, and stop imagining what " might have been"  Get on with your life and when you do come to terms with it, you will see how silly you have been over it all.

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/01/08

Long-distance relatioonships are often difficult. But I wonder how much of a REAL relationship this was, compared to what you hoped it was and what you hoped it might become.
It sounds as though the relationship was over, for him, quite a time ago, but that you have been reluctant to let go of it.
You worry, rightly, about spoiling his marriage - and what about your own ? You are not really committed to your own marriage because of always looking over your shoulder at something that never was, but which you wish might have been

Reply to cybershrink

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