advertisement
Question
Posted by: Little Lulu. | 2010/06/16

I really need advice.

Good day.

This might be a long post so I do not expect the expert to answer. I will however appreciate the input of the readers as I do not know what to do next.

I have been married for 9 years and have a stunning little 6 yo daughter. Which brings me to the first issue. My husband decided long ago that our daughter is stupid / dumb and will never to amount to anything. He said that she should do sports because that''s really the only way she might achieve something.

He doesn''t spend the time he should with her. It''s like he avoids her. He won''t help with school work, won''t play with her and gets annoyed if she asks for attention or help. We moved to NZ in March last year and she couldn''t speak English. She learned the language, although basic but everyone knows what she''s trying to say, and she''s working very hard on her reading and spelling / writing.

It started off bumpy at first which is understandable surely! But she is doing her best and achieving alot. I am so proud of her, but still her dad feels she is not up to scratch. He reckons she is slow and it won''t help much spending time on her education. I have been begging him for over a year now to purchase membership to an online program that helps many kids learning to read and spell in record time.

I do not have an income due to medical reasons (a combination of bipolar and laringeal dystonia, but it''s the dystonia that''s the real problem since I easily lose my voice when stressed and can''t speak out loud. It also causes people not to understand me and they would rather avoid me, and I them.) I do have some friends though and I feel comfortable with them, and they with me, and my voice works better when I''m comfortable with situations.

Anyway, over the years I have learned to accept the fact that my husband is distant and try my very best to fill the void her father leaves. Especially lately.

She used to tell him she loved him all the time but now just say she likes him once in a while.

That aside, my husband has, if not sexual, then at least emotional affairs with other men. I didn''t mind at first but it started bothering me when he became too secretive about it. Always minimising the page he''s on when I approach. And I have caught him having intimate chats (with live streaming of the guy playing with himself) with some guy.

I have also seen e-mail and sms''s send by men. I guess I always had reason to believe he was cheating on me. But I would much rather just suspect it, with the chance of being wrong. I love him very much, I really do, but the other day I caught him on a dating site. He always says nothing is going on, and I believe him. I have a slight case of ''dissosiation'' I guess cause I can easily forgive and forget.

But with the latest find and the realization that the oh so many chats and lately confrontations we had is not going to solve anything, is not going to change anything, I''m finally throwing in the towel and giving up. I''m tired of sharing my man and tired of him not involving himself with his daughter and tired of him only being interested in wealth, which we had, but lost with the move here.

It''s the only thing that is important to him. Money, and lots of it. He''s depressed and frankly, depressing.

I have decided to ask for advice here. I honestly feel like leaving him. I''m tired of being hurt and lied to. And I''m fed up with watching him and his daughter drifting further and further apart. I used to depressed and tried to commit suicide many times before. I''m not sure if all this stuff is meant to push me over the edge so he can move back to SA (where the MONEY is) and collect on my life insurance (a good amount), and obviously have his mother raise my child, but I do not get depressed over these things anymore. I can think clearly now and is focussed on self-preservation rather than self-destruction, and I told him that, and he seemed . . . unsettled by this revelation.

I am a good honest woman and not a train wreck, yet. I can still find a good man and make him happy. I''m sure there is someone out there that will be happy to have me. That will love me. Respect me and be faithful.

Is it time for me to move on? I can if I want, but I also, for some bizarre reason, try and make this work . . .

Thanks to everyone who read this and I will be grateful for any advice. Thanks again.

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I hope other readers have some useful and supportive comments for you, soon.
Cobgratulations on being the good mom of a bright and hard-working child whose father, for some unknown reason, seems to under-estimate her without apparently recognizing that treating someone as of low ability often makes this predication come true.
It sounds as though your husband has significant problems, with sexuality and secrecy, and relaionships in general ( so relations via the net would suit him well, perhaps ).
He may be someone with low self-esteem ( which, in a way, can be infectious when they treat ohers in this way ), and to see money as the only measure of his worth.
YOu have, from your account, excellent reasons for self-preservation rather than self-harm. I can entirely understand why you would think of leaving him. Is there any chance he might agree to participate sincerely in marriage counselling ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

14
Our users say:
Posted by: Adviser | 2010/06/19

I''m doing it ! Its the only way I will be able to get the hell out of here. Good luck !

Reply to Adviser
Posted by: Little Lulu. | 2010/06/18

You are wise dear Adviser. Play the lotto, every week, cause if you have NZ$1M, they will accept you here without questions. You play and I''ll pray, ok? Good luck to you too!

Reply to Little Lulu.
Posted by: Adviser | 2010/06/18

Hi Lulu. Well said. These idiots are so sensitive to any form of comment or critiscism, its unbelievable. They have massive chips on their shoulders and truely believe that this place has a future. Helllooo ? I am often amazed that they seem to be unaware of what a disaster we have here and how everything has just gone one way. I would be out of here like a shot if at all possible, but... unfortunately I have to stay and watch the place deteriorate. Good luck to you my girl.

Reply to Adviser
Posted by: Little Lulu. | 2010/06/18

Dear Adviser. First off, I agree, I have no idea why these ''relentless patriots'' get so frantically furious at the people who were LUCKY enough to get out of SA and resettle in a safe place. What''s wrong about wanting to spare your child the trauma she may experience there and give her a fare chance at having a future. Many people there are so anally pissed off at the world and generally have nothing good to say about anyone or anything. Everything in their lives are negative. I feel so very sad about that, and wish that every Afrikaner can get out and see what they''re missing. But I know that money, health and education are factors. Anyway, I want to thank you for your input. He already makes as if all should be forgiven and back to normal. He wants sex and I can''t. I just can''t forgive him yet.

Reply to Little Lulu.
Posted by: Adviser | 2010/06/18

To My Advice. Its because of people like you who have made this place into the disaster that it is that I would dearly love to leave. Why do you think all of those that have left have done so ?? Duh You think about it.

Reply to Adviser
Posted by: Adviser | 2010/06/18

To My Advice. Its because of people like you who have made this place into the disaster that it is that I would dearly love to leave. Why do you think all of those that have left have done so ?? Duh You think about it.

Reply to Adviser
Posted by: My advice | 2010/06/17

Adviser, why dont u leave SA and see who cares..Believe it or not we also dont want people like u around..So my advice is please please leave!!

Reply to My advice
Posted by: Adviser | 2010/06/17

Good for you leaving SA. Wish I could as this place is going down the tubes fast, so don''t be in a hurry to come back unless you form a part of the majority and then you will be OK.

Now to address your problem. Does your husband believe the child is his ? If not, this could be a problem and the reason why he treats her the way he does.

To me, he is unstable to say the least judging by the way he behaves while communicating with other men, that''s weird.

I do not believe you will be successful in saving this relationship. I would make plans to leave him and make a life for yourself and your daughter. You are clearly not in a healthy relationship, so get oput of it.

Reply to Adviser
Posted by: Juniper | 2010/06/17

Maybe he''s gay but doesn''t want to admit it to himself or you?

Reply to Juniper
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/06/17

I hope other readers have some useful and supportive comments for you, soon.
Cobgratulations on being the good mom of a bright and hard-working child whose father, for some unknown reason, seems to under-estimate her without apparently recognizing that treating someone as of low ability often makes this predication come true.
It sounds as though your husband has significant problems, with sexuality and secrecy, and relaionships in general ( so relations via the net would suit him well, perhaps ).
He may be someone with low self-esteem ( which, in a way, can be infectious when they treat ohers in this way ), and to see money as the only measure of his worth.
YOu have, from your account, excellent reasons for self-preservation rather than self-harm. I can entirely understand why you would think of leaving him. Is there any chance he might agree to participate sincerely in marriage counselling ?

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Little Lulu. | 2010/06/16

Thanks for the input Lin. He is a very intelligent, high achieving man who is brilliant at what he does. And he isn''t comfortable talking to people about his . . . ''preferences'' so it will be hard to convince him to see someone. I have brought up the subject in the past. He did see a shrink who gave him anti-depressants, which worked quite well. We''re trying to get him back on it.

Reply to Little Lulu.
Posted by: Lin | 2010/06/16

Myabe he''s transfering his the " stupid"  feeling he has onto your dayghter. Has he accomplished mush?
Maybe you see a relationship counsellor as well as a family counsellor.
Work with a counsellor together before calling it quits. At least then you can say that you did your part (and that with a professional''s help)

Reply to Lin
Posted by: Little Lulu. | 2010/06/16

Thanks Anon. I''m actually very calm over all this. For the first time I can think clearly and I realise where my priorities lay. I have reason to carry on AND be happy. You have a great day now!

Reply to Little Lulu.
Posted by: Anon | 2010/06/16

I cant imagine what you must be going through. you do seem very forgiving, but i really dont think he deserves you. i dont think it''s my place to say anything else, maybe someone else has more relevant experience.

he seems very disrespectful and perhaps like he shouldnt have gotten married??

ill be thinking of you lots.

Reply to Anon

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement