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Question
Posted by: BJ | 2011/03/02

I need out!!!

Hi everyone. I have been involved with my fiancee for 6 years, but I can''t propose marriage because we are always fighting and basically swear at eachother and then dont talk for days. It has been like this for the last 2 years. Unfortunately a mistake happened and we now have 5 month old twins. I desperately want to get out of this relationship because we are on non speaking terms and neither of us are happy with eachother. The problem is that she is not working, buying stuff and getting into huge debt that I must payoff or else she will be blacklisted. I have raised this with her and she doesnt care and says they can blacklist her for all she cares. She refuses to get a job to help with the family finances, there is no ambition to go out there and seek employment. She doesnt even want to get her drivers licence because basically she just couldnt be bothered and is not motivated (she is 25). She just stays at home all the time with the babies (must admit she is a good mother) but it is clearly not working for us and everytime I raise the issue, she swears at me and then there is the silent treatment for days whereby I sleep in a differnt room. Also there is zero intellectual stimulation for me (I am turning 40 this year) as she even refuses to study something or broaden her knowledge. This relationship is clearly not working and I want to call it a day. However, she is the kind of person that will not let me see the kids if I leave and I really love my children. Because she wont seek employment, I will have to maintain her as well as the kids. I am stuck between a rock and hard place. I just want to be happy and I want her to be happy, but what do I do. I feel there is no way out. Any suggestions would help. Thanks.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds like an uncomfortable relationship yet you have chosen to stay with him for 6 years. Whatever else is happening, it is unacceptable that she is buying things and running into debt without actually earning herself. Is she doing this to punish you in some way ? If it is HER debt, and SHE gets blacklisted, does that necessarily cause problems for you ?
She sounds not merely younger than you, but immature and perhaps lazy.
Couples counselling might be worth trying. If you separae, the decision as tyo whether you have access to the kids is NOT up to her, but would be decided by the magistrate after listening to your point of view. And he would also decide what maintenance you would need to pay, without assuming that she need not work and make her own contribution you should not have to pay more if she chooses not to work.
Get good legal advice, andconsider counselling

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Our users say:
Posted by: Lolo | 2011/03/03

Basadi/Women can be evil at time and when you LET them they will take you for a JOY ride.

Reply to Lolo
Posted by: Wise Owl | 2011/03/02

You only have one life pal, do not throw it away for a life of absolute hell. Her lack of intellectual maturity is a real killer. I know I used to be married to someone who was like that. It was all the little things that held her attention. She only lived for the material things and had no clue as regards values, the future, current affairs and as for as an intelligent conversation... forget it. She cannot prevent you from seeing your kids. Leave her and do it soon. Pay your dues re maintenance and find someone to whom you can relate intellectually and someone mature.

Reply to Wise Owl
Posted by: Anne | 2011/03/02

I cant see that working, that will just fuel her case. Dont make her jealous. That is just as bad as lying to her. Be brutally honest with her, call it like you see it. Stop being scared of her. LIke I said beore, You have the power. Use it

Reply to Anne
Posted by: full time working Mom | 2011/03/02

She gives woman a bad name, But you have obviously allowed her to become demotivated by not stepping up and telling her like it is. Be brutally honest and tell her how her lazziness is off putting and tell her to get her behind into gear or youll be out... sometimes these females needs to be told this.

What would she do if she thought you were intrested in another woman maybe someone more independant a go getter would that shake her up a bit... Just a thought

Reply to full time working Mom
Posted by: Anne | 2011/03/02

Oh, and since she will not be able to look after them, financially, it will be in the children''s best interest to have you as the primary care giver, and she sees them alternate week-ends. Why are you assuming she will automatically get custody? Fight for your rights, and for your children. And you can tell the judge I said that.

Reply to Anne
Posted by: Anne | 2011/03/02

Do not allow her to bully you into staying. I stand corrected, but I am sure that spousal maintenance does not continue for an unlimited period of time. Eventually she will be forced to support herself.

Just a question. She is not working, so where is she getting the money to spend? I assume from you? Why are you allowing this? If it were me, I would put a stop to this straight away. Also, why are you allowing her to treat you as a doormat. You provide for all her wants and needs. She should be greatfull and appreciative instead of swearing at you. Stand up for yourself and put her in her place. You have all the power, use it.

The prof is correct. She cannot prevent you from havig a relationship with your children. The law is extremely clear on that. She may try, but she will bump her head.

She sounds very immature and it sounds like she is getting a free ride. She isnt even married to you yet, I feel she is abusing you. You need to toughen up, give her an ultimatum to shape up, or she must take her things and find hereself some other sucker to manipulate.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but, some people abuse kindness, and she seems like one of those.

Reply to Anne
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/03/02

Sounds like an uncomfortable relationship yet you have chosen to stay with him for 6 years. Whatever else is happening, it is unacceptable that she is buying things and running into debt without actually earning herself. Is she doing this to punish you in some way ? If it is HER debt, and SHE gets blacklisted, does that necessarily cause problems for you ?
She sounds not merely younger than you, but immature and perhaps lazy.
Couples counselling might be worth trying. If you separae, the decision as tyo whether you have access to the kids is NOT up to her, but would be decided by the magistrate after listening to your point of view. And he would also decide what maintenance you would need to pay, without assuming that she need not work and make her own contribution you should not have to pay more if she chooses not to work.
Get good legal advice, andconsider counselling

Reply to cybershrink

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