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Question
Posted by: Glenn | 2010-03-08

I need an answer for my wife

I am what I know to be a happily married man. Almost 2 years ago I unfortunately got involved with a female friend. This culminated in what amounted to be an affair, albeit a brief encounter, and has not progressed any further since.
From the time of this becoming knowledge to my wife, and admitting same to her we have, for the best part, managed to work through our upset and her dissapointments in me.

I wish however to ask ANYONE who may be of help to guide me into being able to answer my wifes question "  WHAT MADE YOU DO IT ??"  My answer is that the opportunity was there.. and I took it. (This being honestly the worst decision I have ever made)

It was in no way that my wife and I were having troubles of any sort at the time, and as then, and still now we DO LOVE EACH OTHER VERY MUCH, and are still together.
I fully accept that I have caused a great deal of hurt and distrust. I desperately WANT and NEED to be with, support her, and to help our marraige through this turmoil, most of all to regain her trust in me.

PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP

I

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I know that in many such cases, the hurt partner demands an explanation of WHY it hapened. I think the error buried within the question, is the assumption that such decisions are made deliberately, logically, and after long thought, possibly involving the use of a pocket calculator or computer program. THis is not, however, generally the case. In my experience, such really bad decisions are often made without proper thought and with no clear reason for which the one who errs is aware.
Wouldn't marriage counselling be a good idea, to air and work through all these issues together with expert help ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Rick | 2010-03-10

I agree with Sam

Reply to Rick
Posted by: Sam | 2010-03-09

If my hubby gave me the answer that you just gave to the all important " why did you do it"  question, I''d be glad that I got the truth, and then leave him.

In that asnwer, you just showed your wife, that you did it because you can. I want to know that my husband loves me with all his heart, and wouldn''t want any other woman, no matter how approchable she is. I want to know that IF he cheated, it was because he was emotionally confused, or we were in a bad patch or something like that (and then it still wouldn''t be acceptable - at least not for me). But you did it because you can, so what is in your heart? I can muder, steel and commit all kinds of terrible things, I CAN, but I won''t, because, those actions aren''t in my heart.

Reply to Sam
Posted by: Mikky | 2010-03-09

Ive been in your wife''s position and am still struggling to come to terms with my partners infidelity. My advice to you is to be honest, answer all her questions, give her time to process things, let her ask somemore. Its very convenient for the guilty party to draw a line in the sand and forget about the past, but unfortunately she will have a million questions and ''what ifs'' running through her head.

I can tell you that ny partner says that the same thing ''The opportunity was there and I took it'' .... My problem with that answer is this and it plagues me endlessly: We are face with temptation ALL the time, what if another opportunity presents itself???? You my friend, are going to have to convince her of your resolve not to give in to temptation. She didnt, and you shouldnt either.

Reply to Mikky
Posted by: Mel | 2010-03-09

Morning Glenn
Sometimes there are no answers for the questions we have. Things like this happen for a reason and make us stronger. Yes, if you and your wife can work through this then it will make your marriage better and stronger.
I think that it all boils down to EGO. Perhaps you have been married a while and in a normal long term routine. Along comes some one new and gives you all this attention - suddently you feel wanted and great.
In order to avoid this in future you need to have boundaries - not to get too close and confide in women. Married men are easy targets.
M

Reply to Mel
Posted by: qwerty | 2010-03-09

You should really consider going to some marriage counselling together. You''ll have a skilled professional guiding you through all the questions and issues, and helping you communicate better. Your wife has every reason to be hurt and distrustful, and you need to earn that trust back and show her that you deserve a second chance.

And quite possibly you need to work with a counsellor of your own to try and work out why you would cheat if you were happy at home..? It''s great that in retrospect you can admit you were wrong and that it was a terrible decision, but how does your wife know you won''t just " take"  another opportunity when it arises? Do you even know what you would do? There might be some deeper underlying issues here that you may not be aware of yourself, that would be best explored by a professional.

But at the very least, as I said, get into some marriage counselling with your wife, and let her know you''ll do whatever it takes to get your marriage back to where it should be again.

Reply to qwerty
Posted by: qwerty | 2010-03-09

You should really consider going to some marriage counselling together. You''ll have a skilled professional guiding you through all the questions and issues, and helping you communicate better. Your wife has every reason to be hurt and distrustful, and you need to earn that trust back and show her that you deserve a second chance.

And quite possibly you need to work with a counsellor of your own to try and work out why you would cheat if you were happy at home..? It''s great that in retrospect you can admit you were wrong and that it was a terrible decision, but how does your wife know you won''t just " take"  another opportunity when it arises? Do you even know what you would do? There might be some deeper underlying issues here that you may not be aware of yourself, that would be best explored by a professional.

But at the very least, as I said, get into some marriage counselling with your wife, and let her know you''ll do whatever it takes to get your marriage back to where it should be again.

Reply to qwerty
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-03-09

I know that in many such cases, the hurt partner demands an explanation of WHY it hapened. I think the error buried within the question, is the assumption that such decisions are made deliberately, logically, and after long thought, possibly involving the use of a pocket calculator or computer program. THis is not, however, generally the case. In my experience, such really bad decisions are often made without proper thought and with no clear reason for which the one who errs is aware.
Wouldn't marriage counselling be a good idea, to air and work through all these issues together with expert help ?

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Mandy | 2010-03-08

Don''t try lie and make excuses- at this fragile state in your marriage honesty is the best policy. When she asks, tell her the truth. Lies will make things worse.

Reply to Mandy

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