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Question
Posted by: BABE | 2009-03-20

I LOVE HIM TOO MUCH

I have been having an affair with a married man for 4 years now. we never meant for it to happen, it just did. We met at a party and it was love at first sight. We thought it would be just one little innocent kiss, which we both knew was wrong, but that first kiss did it all. We havent been able to stop since that day. We have tried many times to stop and give it up and move on but we just cant seem to do it, we always find our way back to one another. I know he loves me as much as I do love him,but his situation is just too complicated. He says he doesnt love his spouse anymore, and has felt like this for a long time now but stays because of the kids and also his ,mum lives with him. He wants to leave but doesnt know how to do it. I am getting tired of waiting for him but I want to because I love him so much. All I want is to be with him and finally live the rest of my life with him. We make each other very happy. You can actually see him light up the minute he sees me and even his closest friends have said that he doesnt even act like that with his spouse and you can see he is just there because he does not know how to get out. My heart skips a few beats just thinking of him. I love him so much but cant wait forever. what do I do? Do I move on or do I wait. how much longer should I wait. We both 40 years and time is not waiting for us.His spouse knows about us but has never caught us. she has told him she knows its been going on for years now. Im not proud of what Im doing but I love him too much to leave him??

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Our expert says:
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I just do not buy the "it just happened" excuse --- things like this don't just happen, like a rain shower that catches you unaware --- there have been years in which you knew exactly what you were doing, and chose to do so, and chose not to stop it.
If you both knew that first kiss was wrong, it was never " just one little innocent kiss". " We havent been able to stop since that day." just is not true --- you could, but you never seriously tried to stop. And apparently his "closest friends" know about all this, and sound like they approve and encourage it. YOu talk about how happy you make each other, and seem to have no feelings at all about the misery you are causing his wife, children, and even his mother. So all this is profoundly selfish and cruel.
If you have ever actually tried to end this, it was like an alcoholic who stops drinking for minutes before the next drink. ou say you're not poud of this, but your message does sound rather proud of it.
OK< you didn' ask to be criticised for what you revealed about yourself, but the criticism you have received was richly deserved and important for you --- you have been saling through this affair and ignoring how most ordinary people would criticise you, ifnoring how much your repeated choices and actions deserve criticism. It is profiundly unfair and dishonest to do something so hurtful to innocent other people, and insist that you should not be criticised for it. Wake up and smell the neuroses.
And never forget -- if he actually will leave his wife for you, he will be as ready to leave you for someone else.
And lady nina's succinct comment deserves to be carefully thought over.

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Our users say:
Posted by: rachel | 2009-03-20

believe me, it' s not love. you just think you love him because you can' t have him. if he left his wife for you, it would not work out. there would be nothing to steal, nothing to excite the both of you. if it did work out, he would do the same thing to you. he is a cheat, and will always be.

Reply to rachel
Posted by: Babe | 2009-03-20

yeah thanks everybody, Ive just told him its OVER.I am moving on and I am applying for a transfer to get out if town. Ive just bought a new sim card so my munber will change. Enough is enough and I have had it. You all right, he will never leave and never change. I should have left a longtime ago but its never troo late. My new life start right here and rtight now. I am going to give the single guy a chance, who has been pursuing me for 2 years now but I was too blind to see he really cares and has no attachments and is a better option. I wish myself all the luck coz Im gona need it to get over my lover.Thanks guys, have a lovely weekend and a good life.

Reply to Babe
Posted by: Katy | 2009-03-20

Been THAT WOMAN too!

I was also the one that " understood him" . That made him " happy" . And when around me he feels so " complete" ...

Deep down you know it' s lies... He' s never gonna leave her. I even knew he cheated on her before, so why would i be any different?

I eventually changed jobs (we worked at the same place), and stopped contacting him because if I was really tha special, why must I be kept in the shadows? And no one should know??? And surely I shouldn' t feel guilty for " loving"  right???

Nevertheless, the change in jobs helped me get rid of him... I mainatined contact for a short while still after having moved jobs and soon he was telling me of his new contests... I had by then met someone else and conatct with him was becoming even less...

It' s been a few yrs since I last saw him or even had contact with him, and it' s the best thing I could have done. I am now married to a man that' s loyal and devoted to me and our child.

THey will promise us everything just to keep us feeling sorry for them and remember , we only ever see the meek and mild part of them... We don' t really know what they' re all about because they never get to show us that because they' re too busy making empty promises and making you feel sorry for them...

It' s difficult but you HAVE to walk away from this relationship. There' s a saying.. If you' re not his priority, then don' t settle for being just an option!

Cheers
Katy

Reply to Katy
Posted by: Anon | 2009-03-20

Babe, my STBX was having an affair with a girl half his age. She came to my house to expose him two weeks ago as she was getting sick of his promises that we were getting divorced ( 4yrs apparently ). She even told me how in love they were, how they couldnt stay away from each other, the same story you are telling ( he' s her soulmate ). The same day she, the mistress found out that he also had another girlfriend so he was cheating on her too. Needless to say I am busy getting rid of the scumbag and the real casualties here are our two toddlers. Move on with your life. You cannot help who you fall in love with,but that is no excuse for getting involved with a married person. If a man really loves a woman he would do anything to be with her, even break up his home so that excuse of the kids is an old one.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: lady nina | 2009-03-20

hi babe

you' ve got it all wrong

you don' t love him to much
you love yourself to little

take care

nina

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: Babe | 2009-03-20

thanks again Bobs GF. I know exactly what you saying and have seen cases myself. I guess Im in denial or something because of my love for him. I know he genuinly does live me but yes I also say not enough to leave her. if he really eventually does leave her, I will be shocked and he woudl have proven his love for me in a way that I meself dont expect. I also do wonder if he wpould ever cheat on me since he is cheating with me. how do other men do it though. they hava affairs, get divorced, get married to someone else and they really do make that person happy. I ask myself is he one of those men who really are capa=ble of that or will he always be a cheat? I dont believe the latter though, because of the type of person he is. He will never do anything to make her find out but she is aware of us but has no concrete proof. Im so confused. Do I just leave him and see if he will prove his love for me by leaving her or do I just forget about him totally and move on. I do believe that he could be my soulmate. we have such telepathy its unbe lievable. He knows exactly when Im down or if there is something wrong, its like he feels it and me likewise. we phone each other almost exactly the other is trying to get through. we have this kind of connection that almost feel supernatural. Could this be real or am I just living in a dreamworld.

Reply to Babe
Posted by: T | 2009-03-20

I suggest you kick him under the patookie! I think that you are wasting your time with this guy, not to mention the effect on the kids. Even if he does leave his wife, the kids will never accept you. You will always be the other woman, the one that took their dad away. My thoughts...

Reply to T
Posted by: Babe | 2009-03-20

Just to add to Mistress 2' s answer to Nompie. I am a strong, very strong believer and I love my God but Im only human. I know of pastors and priests who have divorced their wives for someone else they fall in love with. It happens to the best of us and like I said, we BOTH didnt ask for it to happen, it just did.Im not trying to justify my actions here but what do you do when you hopleselly on love with someone? You WANT TO believe the best and you want to be with that person. people get divorced everyday and besided his kids are not babies, they are big. Kids do adjust, Im a divorcee myself and I brought up my kids alone so I know the feeling. Its not nice but its part of life. these things happen.

Reply to Babe
Posted by: Bob' s Girlfriend | 2009-03-20

I know we hold onto the belief that " if he loves me enough"  but you know what? If he does love you enough he would not put you through this pain, would he?

I know its exciting to see him and all the devious things and meetings etc is fun - but you see with these guys that is what they are actually chasing and that' s why he will continue to do it because of the thrill.

Mine even left his wife - many many times and for 3 or 6 months it would go ok and then i' d start noticing things and not long after he' s come and say sorry, I miss my child to much and he' d go back to her. I' d be devastated (i miscarried once and was actually glad because when it happened he was with her) and I' d be so hurt and then he would start calling again or going to the pubs we use to go to or dance places and he' d " run"  into me and it would start all over.

Eventually I had him but not for long because his wife had moved on and he now needed another mistress and 6 months after " I HAD HIM"  i found out about her and then I deceided enough is enough.

These guys unfortunately have the ability to treat you so special and be so good to you and with you that you fall for them over and over and over.

Girl, im with a wonderful man now. I' ve even run into him with this new man by my side and i was so shocked and flustered that my b/f didnt know what hit me. I even couldnt believe that after 5 years he' d still had that effect on me, but go back. NEVER in my life.

Do yourself a favour and move on. However difficult it is. You see the pain will never stop, the longing will never stop because he' ll not leave her and you' ll be left to pick up the pieces.

It hurts like hell, I know.

Reply to Bob&#39&nbsp;s Girlfriend
Posted by: babe | 2009-03-20

thanks Real, your advice is appreciated

Reply to babe
Posted by: Mistress 2 | 2009-03-20

Nompie you are on dangerous teritory. Everyone can take from the bible what they want and swop it around. What the word taken means to you may not mean the same in other believes. Don' t make this a God - issue.

Reply to Mistress 2
Posted by: Babe | 2009-03-20

Thanks Bobs GF, at least somebody understands me. I have bene thinking long and hard aboput this and want to end it because it depresses me. I am definately going to tell him its over and for good this time. yes I have also been considering moving to another town and thats the only way I can finally get over him.its going to be hard but I know I have to do it. Thanks again for your advice. And Nompie, yes I know its wrong in Gods eyes. If he loves me he will leave and find me wherever I am. if its not meant to be, then so be it.

Reply to Babe
Posted by: Real | 2009-03-20

Hi Babe
I work for a man who recently left his wife for his mistress. All I can tell you is that his girlfriend is very insecure and tries to control who he talks to and what he does. Why? ... because she obviously knows that one day he will do the same thing to her as he did to his wife. What you sow you will reap, so respect yourself more. You deserve better. Go out there and get someone special who will make you feel no. 1.
Good luck

Reply to Real
Posted by: nompie | 2009-03-20

hi let me tell, aru de child of God? if you ar then you should stop the relationship as soon as now because in front of \god it is a big sin look for love one that one has already taken

Reply to nompie
Posted by: Bob' s Girlfriend | 2009-03-20

Hi there, I feel like I am reading my owns story, there are so many simular stories. Worst thing is you feel special and you think that you are the only one to ever feel like this and love like this. You are not. We all felt like this when we were having an affair with a married men. And you believe he' s unique? That he loves only you like this? And that he' d never feel like this about anyone else?

THINK AGAIN GIRLFRIEND...

Read in the archives and you will see - it is never " meant to happen"  and " he always does love me"  and his " wife does not understand him"  and " he does not even have sex with her anymore"  and and and

He " stays because of the kids"  - OKAY he' s not doing the kids any favours if they are living in a house full of stress and unhappyness and lack of love....this is an old ploy - they use if often - just read up a bit.

" I am getting tired of waiting for him"  - girl you are going to be waiting for him for the rest of your life and nothing will change I can promise you that NOTHING.

He will never leave her and there will always be excuses.

" finally live the rest of my life with him"  - not going to happen because as soon as he' s with you he' ll get bored with you and you will also not " understand him"  and he' ll start wondering and soon he will have another mistress.

" We make each other very happy"  - which man would not be happy getting sex on demand? of course it makes him happy!

" His spouse knows about us"  - did he tell you this? They always do but let me tell you she does not!

You do not love him to much to leave you CAN - yes I know you have tried and tried but you need to. I did and this man was my whole life - even toda I know I' ve never loved anyone like that. But you know what he did not love me like that.

Move! Change your cell number! Don' t take any calls from him because the moment you listen to him then he has the ability to change your mind. Just put the phone down. EVERYTIME. Also send back whatever flowers or gifts he sends you. If he comes to your house dont open, push the alarm, put the music on high.

Yes it will be painfull and YOU WILL GET OVER HIM, we all do - it just takes damn long. You are also 40? Girl you are not a baby anymore you are wasting away your life!

Mine even told me he' d not have sex with me to prove it' s not about sex...they are so so so clever!

Everyday you have this man in your life is a day you could have been closer to the next man - Mr. Right might just be around the corner.

And how can you trust this man even IF he leave his wife? Hmmmm? You now know what he is capable of....

You are always having to be available when he needs you? You cannot plan an evening with friends or colleques because you don' t know if he' ll make it ? And if he does when he has to leave?

S.T.O.P.
T.H.I.N.K.
A.C.T.

Reply to Bob&#39&nbsp;s Girlfriend
Posted by: Babe | 2009-03-20

Well thank you very much for all the criticism. As I mentioned I did try and break up this affair manytimes and Im not proud to be doing this but I will certainly try and break it off and move on. I guess if he really odes love me as much as he says he does, he will eventually walk out. Hopefully I will be still around but Imnot banking on waiting for teh rest of my life for him. He is the one who keeps busgging me and yes I know Im the fool that keeps taking him back. Maybe love is not enpugh to hold on to this relationship. I will take your advice. Thanks, but I did not ask to be critisised for my question.

Reply to Babe
Posted by: Lee | 2009-03-20

Hi

They all say that, would you stay in a relationship for the sake of your children, it wouldn' t be of help cause you' d be miserable mos of the time so what good would you be.
He is lying and all married men do. If I were you I would cut my loss. My bf also gave me the same story but he never left the wife he even moved out of their house for abou two years and I thought well it' s over I got pregnant he went back to her.

The moral of the story, see the divorce decree or paper work then probably something is happening. If not don' t waste your time. he may spend most his time with you, you might be a distration or he enjoys ur company more then his wifes but that no guarantee that he is over her.

Please be careful

Reply to Lee
Posted by: Mandy | 2009-03-20

I despise people like you. The only reason he has not left wifey yet is because when cheating men say that it only means that he is extremely happily married and cannot live without his wife. He basically just wants his cake and is obviously eating it too. The cake is you.

Get out and stop buggering up his kids lives. They are the ones that neva recover.

Reply to Mandy
Posted by: Happy | 2009-03-20

What an absolute selfish person you are. Stop thinking about you you you. How would you feel if you were the wife? He has no intention of leaving his wife, they never do but he is getting everything he wants from you. Why buy the cow when the milk is free? There are many single men out there find one that you don' t have to share.

Reply to Happy
Posted by: Z | 2009-03-20

I cannot say that I feel sorry for you. I absolute despite all woman who cannot leave married men alone. Give him an ultimatim: you or his wife. He should make up his mind and you both should stop being selfish. His wife and kids are the ones who are suffering the most. Is it that impossible to find a single man?

Reply to Z

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