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Question
Posted by: LOST | 2008/06/26

I LOST TO A NIGERIAN

How God, how do I get up and look life in the eye? How do I get up every morning and look at myself in the mirror without getting physically ill? I am contemplating suicide. There I've said it. I am actually thinking of gassing myself. I don't want to live. After nearly 20 years of marriage to a good man (with the usuall bumps along the way) and a happy family later (our only child is 19), he announces a few weeks ago that he is in fact gay. This, after I stupidly took him back 10 years ago after he left me for another man, because at that stage he was bisexual. Got back together, went for months of intensive therapy, and had a happy life with him. We shared everything. Last year he went to work in Nigeria. Got back 2 months ago and I thought it was heaven. When he got back I noticed he had changed. While he was still in the country I got the feeling there was someone else. Asked, got scolded at because of me having trust issues, insecure, telling and imagining it, bla, bla.
When he told me he was now gay again because old feelings for men appeared, he asked for a divorce. I was trashed. He started moving out the house bit by bit. I kept praying he would come to his senses and chose to ignore the seperation. Always praying that he would choose me. He stays with sister and her husband at the moment. He still came home some nights. Two horrible days ago he confessed after a huge argument that he has been involved with a Nigerian since October last year, that he loves him to death and that he is currently planning for the love of his life to come and settle in SA!! I WANT TO DIE!!!!!!! God has given up on me. I am so damaged, heartbroken, broken, without hope, in pain. I WANT TO DIE!!! I feel humiliated, alone, DEAD. How do I hate this man? How do I rip out my -|- ing heart and kill it? The ONLY thing standing between myself and the exhaust fumes is my child. Where do I begin? I WANT TO DIE. I cannot bear the thought, I cannot even think about them being in bed together. I cannot comprehend this. I can't talk to family. No one to talk to. I don't want to live. How will I ever, ever get up again?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Straight or gay, he's crooked. He has been misleading you and maybe also himself. Nobody becomes straight, then bisexual, hen gay, then straight, then gay again. He sounds omnisexual, doing whatever he finds convenient at the time.
How he has treated you is cruel and despicable, whether his affairs were with men or women. You need good legal advice to protect your own rights. Stop blaming yourself and thinking about punishing yourself --- YOU have done nothing wrong, HE has. You deserve to free yourself of this louse, and to make a new and happy life for yourself and our child. Don't cheat either of you out of that. Sadly, its not about you ( though it surely feels that way ) he was drawn to someone else and naturally very different, not pushed away from you.
You didn't lose, and you can make this a victory for you and your boy. Your husband has lost, and desrviced that.
DO see a good local shrink for counselling to help you get through this patch. Remember the old saying that the best revenge is living well.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: anon | 2008/06/26

Hi there Riley, I was so happy to read your post and response to LOST, it seems now you are in a position to recognise and help someone else! Yes I salute you too!!!

Lost, hope you will be able to see that the problem doesn't lie with you and it is not for you to take on the responsibility of your partner's problems. You need to identify all this as HIS PROBLEM and not YOURS. Of course its normal to feel devastated and in pain, because what you are going through is a LOSS as real as any death, its the loss of life as you envisaged yourself to live. You have been abandoned by your partner and have taken it all too personally. IITS NOT ABOUT YOU MY FRIEND, its about HIM.... he is the one with the issues not you.

Please do get help and counselling, your life is far too important, why would you want to do yourself harm because of someone else's behaviour.

Tango, hope you doing well.

Take care!

hugs
me

Reply to anon
Posted by: Riley | 2008/06/26

Thanks to you guys Tango! You guys really saved me out of my pit!

Reply to Riley
Posted by: Tango | 2008/06/26

Dear Riley - how I salute you!!

Reply to Tango
Posted by: Consolation | 2008/06/26

Sorry to hear about your story.

Just tell yourself - It could have been worse.
What if you had lost him to another woman? You would probably be asking yourself questions like, what she does she have that I dont have? and trust me this would have caused a major lifetime dent on your confidence.
Anyway, be glad that your son has grown a lot before your hubby decided to fall out of the closet...He will still consider you beautiful and his mommy for life...

Reply to Consolation
Posted by: Spooky | 2008/06/26

Relationship wasn't meant to be.
Many fishes in the sea,
Better late than never,
'cause soon you'll be happier than ever.
When you make that positive plan,
By finding a better man!
Don't dispair on your own,
or leave your child alone.
Everyone will listen to your story,
And help you find some Glory.
Why not try a shrink?
They will help you think.
Please don't despair,
The real Mr right is still out there !

Reply to Spooky
Posted by: Orie | 2008/06/26

I can only imagine what you are going through. I can only imagine the feeling of being betrayed for so many years engulfing you. all I can say is dont feel ashamed. Should you have knows this would happen you would not have given him a second chance.but you did not what you know now . He does not deserve to have you take your life on his account. You will be letting him win for the 3rd time. Tell yourself that he has destroyed you emotionally but he can never make you take your life . He's not worth your life dear! Dont let him have power over what you do with your life. Rlease him , surely you dont want him anymore. Release him and make peace with yourself that you're letting him go physically and emotionally. God determines who walks into your life....it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go. Let him go. Follow Riley's advice , he's been there and knows the pain better than most of us .

Reply to Orie
Posted by: Anon#2 | 2008/06/26

I am sorry for your pain.

The title that you chose for this post is interesting "I Lost" - it sounds as if you knew already that you were competing with his gay tendencies and now it feels as if you were unable to win him over.

Are you able to understand that this does not reflect on your attractiveness, your desirability? You are not the one with a problem in this straight relationship - he is unable to function as a straight man. This heartbreak does not mean that you are incapable of having a happy and fulfilling and secure relationship - just not with HIM.

You won't be able to see it right now, but believe me when I tell you that there is more than one soulmate for us in this world - the only one that can cheat you out of future happiness is yourself.

Please see a professional for assistance - later you will be very grateful that you got set free from a situation that was always going to have you worrying in the back of your mind. Strength.

Reply to Anon#2
Posted by: Riley | 2008/06/26

I'm pretty crap at giving at advice, but feel compelled to write something here.

I am pretty much in the same boat as you (I am surviving on day 12 since I found out). The love of my life left me for a woman, twice her age, who drives bloody busses for a living, and is tatooed like a comic strip.

I need you to know that you didn't lose to anything or anyone. I felt the same, that I wasn't good enough, thin enough, smart enough, pretty enough... and just plain lost.

The fact of the matter is, that your husband's sexuality was never described as 100% straight, and he should have come clean about this a long long time ago. Get him to move all his stuff out, immediately. No use in moving out bits and bobs. What I eventually did, is take all my ex's stuff to my sister just so I didn't have to look at it.

Stop thinking of them. You are tormenting yourself!! (Trust me, I still gag, physically, when I think of my ex and her goat.)

Go have a warm bath. A warm cup of tea, and warp yourself up like a baby. Lie down and sleep. (I screamed at my godmother for suggesting this to me, but trust me, you'll feel better.)

There is no one in this world that should want to drive you to suicide. Get off it and call lifeline. I called them nonstop for a week!

Think of your son, please. He is going to need you now too.

Time does heal, and I know you don't want to think about this right now, but take baby steps. Start with your bath - lots of bubbles. Take the day a second by a time if you have to! Please...

Reply to Riley
Posted by: Why | 2008/06/26

Im speechless!!! that must real hurt...

Reply to Why

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