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Question
Posted by: Ella | 2010/12/02

I know ..

My partner and I have been together for 2 years and he first relocated from a coastal town to Pta to be closer to me but his business took strain and he moved back. I followed a few months later and started working for him/myself but it did not work out as we had major clashes and I decided my relationship with him was more important than the constant fighting and I found, after a long struggle, a contract position in a town nearby. My kids (15 and 11) will move down here at the end of the year (they stayed with their father to complete their respective school years). Initially he got on very well with my kids and my kids looked up to him. But it soon changed and whenever my kids came to visit (school holidays) there was always a lot of strain as he felt my kids did not do what he wanted them to do, did not respect him the way he expects them, did not pull their weight in the house, etc etc. It can never be discussed as we end up arguing as I feel he does not talk to them in a respectful way but rather attacking their characters which in my book is simply not acceptable. My kids are well mannered and I taught them it''s ok to have an opinion and their opinions are worth while. My partner however feels that my kids are being treated like little grown ups and he does not agree with it.
We now at the stage (and the kids aren''t even here yet) where we cannot talk about the children without fighting. I asked him to consider us going to see someone to deal with these issues. We should actually have done this BEFORE the problems started because we all know that there will be issues when you embark on a new relationship where there already are kids from previous relationships.
He feels we ''cannot run to others'' to help us solve our issues but I disagree. When you constantly lock horns over the same issue and when unable to move forward, it''s already way overdue to go find help.
I have missed my kids dearly the last 6 months and I want to be a proper mother to them again and if he does not want to go into therapy, then I feel HE leaves me with no other choice.
Problem just is, I still don''t have a permanent position, the kids have been enrolled in a new school down here, their father is going overseas next year (for a few years for work) and I will no doubt struggle to cope on my own financially etc.
I love him, I think he has some amazing qualities and we have great times together. But why is it so hard for him to admit we need help? Not to fight to win but to fight for the relationship. My kids are so scared of him at this stage because of things he says and does when his temper flares up but he feels we should all just accept him as he is.
Advice will be greatly appreciated.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Ask him to join you in mariage counselling because YOU need and want help, and need his help to ensure this help you need is successful - don't make it easy for him to refuse or to resist it because he doesn;t want to admit playing any part in the problems you face - let those emerge within the counselling.
If he still refuses and continues to misunderstand and deal badly with your kids, make it clear that is a deal-breaker and you will move back to your family, separated, and consult a lawyer.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/12/04

Ask him to join you in mariage counselling because YOU need and want help, and need his help to ensure this help you need is successful - don't make it easy for him to refuse or to resist it because he doesn;t want to admit playing any part in the problems you face - let those emerge within the counselling.
If he still refuses and continues to misunderstand and deal badly with your kids, make it clear that is a deal-breaker and you will move back to your family, separated, and consult a lawyer.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Me | 2010/12/03

It''s ironic that your subject is " I know..."  Is this because you already know the answer to your question, but are just afraid to face it because of you not having permanent work. Is this relationship worh more than your children''s happiness? Is moving back to where your family are not an option, so that you can have support around you? In my opinion, your children should come first.

Reply to Me
Posted by: Hello | 2010/12/02

Please learn to summarise, the post is too long. Learn the benefit of points like how to get to one quickly.

Reply to Hello
Posted by: U@ | 2010/12/02

MOVE BACK TO PTA-PUT YOUR KIDS FIRSTdeep down you know its the right thing 2 do

Reply to U@
Posted by: Anon | 2010/12/02

Do you honestly want your kids to hate you in the end?

It''s not worth it to be in a relationship where one partner keeps picking on the kids all the time. A leopard never changes it''s spot... Cause even if you were to sort it out, behind close doors he will be threatening them and picking on them without you even knowing.

Is it really worth it to make your children feel like they want to piss in their pants, or even drive them into being submissive to him in general? Your daughter will either learn two things. The only way to please a man is to be submissive, or she will learn that alll man are the same.

Man that believes they don''t need help,(in my book) are hiding from the truth.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: A2Z | 2010/12/02

You cannot ask your kids to live with a man they are afraid of.

Reply to A2Z
Posted by: PMS | 2010/12/02

Don''t put a man before your kids - the kids suffer in the long run!

Reply to PMS

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