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Question
Posted by: me2 | 2010/06/14

I had an affair - Please help

I had an affair with a married man. Yes, I was the bad girl - please don''t judge me. I''m divorced, and broke it off after 1 and a half year. I told him I wouldn''t forgive myself if he would ever leave his wife for me. I would rather be the one hurting than his family to gets hurt. I REALLY struggle to get over him. And what makes it worse is that I still have to deal with him daily through work. I looked for another vacancy urgently, just so that I don''t have to work with him. He re-united with his wife, and I''m really glad. That wasn''t how I grew up, therefore I really struggle to forgive myself. I knew it was wrong. I''m REALLY REALLY struggling emotionally. I feel so hurt. Feeling used, but I allowed it. I am really depressed after this relationship, as I am such a person to give it my all in everything (work ect). I don''t know how to handle this. Please help!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

As I think you realise, it's really not reasonable or realistic to engage in activities that most people have good reasons for feeling negative about, and yet insisting that nobody must "judge" or criticise you. Would you be impressed by a bank robber or hi-jacker who demanded that you must not "judge" or criticize them ?
In the situation you describe, having wisely ended the afair, the current problem seems to relate more to your felt need to be wanted and desired and loved, and to your reluctance to give up someone who was treating his wife with disrespect ( and not showing much respect for you, by the way ) - and such issues of self-esteem and loneliness, etc., are best dealt with by seeing a good local psychologist for proper psychotherapy.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: anon | 2010/06/15

how can you expect not to be judged? Plenty of single men out there to focus on, leave married men alone, you will always loose and always come off second best...dont touch what is not yours. DUH!!

Reply to anon
Posted by: Rhoda | 2010/06/15

I wont judge you. Its difficult but you must remember a married man will never leave his wife for you. I know that was not your intention but still. Emotions are very unpredictable. He knew that you are divorced and therefor vulnerable and yes women are always at the bad end of the stick if YOU ALLOW IT. And also working with him is going to make it worse. You have to get through this. That is the only advise I can give. There are going to be times when you will see him with his family that is going to be even worse and JUST because he is forbidden fruit you will cry over him cause you cant really have him. If he was single believe me you would have played him. You guys have been invloved long so its going to take time hey... and seeing him everyday...Please be strong for some comments after your post because some of them can be insulting but also understand the ones that gives you the cruel advise are the ones that were either in the wifes position or have not been in your shoes :-) not that I am exusing you, but all of us have our bit. Good luck oh and I heard a saying last night on TV... " if you want to get over one man get under another"  LOL just kidding. I hope you feel better and learn from this...

Reply to Rhoda
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/06/15

As I think you realise, it's really not reasonable or realistic to engage in activities that most people have good reasons for feeling negative about, and yet insisting that nobody must "judge" or criticise you. Would you be impressed by a bank robber or hi-jacker who demanded that you must not "judge" or criticize them ?
In the situation you describe, having wisely ended the afair, the current problem seems to relate more to your felt need to be wanted and desired and loved, and to your reluctance to give up someone who was treating his wife with disrespect ( and not showing much respect for you, by the way ) - and such issues of self-esteem and loneliness, etc., are best dealt with by seeing a good local psychologist for proper psychotherapy.

Reply to cybershrink

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