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Question
Posted by: JC | 2012/10/17

I found out my wife has had an affair.

Some time ago I found out (via her Skype history on her laptop that I saw one day while I was updating it for her) my wife had met someone whom she was physically attracted to and that they had had coffee and met a few times. I confronted her about this and she swore to me nothing had happened and told me she was going through a difficult phase in her life, feeling like she had never planned to be stuck in the day to day grind that is modern life. We are both in our mid thirties and, I thought, happy in our 3 year marriage. She told her friend that she does not feel any physical desire for me any longer, not sure that she loves me and wants to run away. We had a long talk and resolved to see what we could do to fix things.

Some months later, things seem to be better although we are still not having sex much, or at all, but she seems much happier and more involved in our marriage.

Then I found this message last night. I went snooping - I am sure I will be judged for doing that but there have been a few inconsistencies that I have noticed in the last few weeks and I was away for a 3 weeks trip upcountry before this. I have jsut dropped in the relevant part.


" How are you doing?? I am so sorry I never replied when I said I would… 

Reading your e-mail now, I realise that I was going through a bit of a rough patch. I also made the conscious decision not to leave J as there is no way in hell that I would be able to support myself, and I need to give him a fair chance and I need to be the person he deserves because he is a good man and has done nothing to deserve being treated the way w was treating him.

I have as usual taken your advice…  but I took it a bit further that what you have suggested…  The “ hot night of passion”  you suggested has turned into one massively hot affair. I am not very proud of this but it enables me to be happy in my marriage and life with JC. I just hope and pray JC will never find out because like you said, it will shatter him and that is not the purpose of this at all." 

Now, I am strangely unmoved by the news, or at least I am not angry. I am disappointed that she has betrayed out marriage like this and saddened that she has had to find something from another man that she cannot get from me. And now I have to figure out how to handle this. Part of me wants to throw her out the house as we both discussed very uncompromising postions on infidelity when we were still dating and these should apply to both of us. Part of me wants to talk to her and understand what it is she found from this guy and perhaps, accept that she will need to do this occasionally if I truly cannot give her what she needs to be happy. Then, a silly part of me says, confront her and tell her she can carry on, with certain conditions, if I can do the same thing. I have always been sexually adventurous but my wife never was but I accepted this, and was happy with the once or twice a month roll in the hay I got.

Has anyone been though this? Why am I not more angry? Why am I considering an open relationship and compromising my values?

I have another business trip planned soon and I want to speak to her before I go away again.

JC

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I wonder what she feels she HAD planned instead of getting stuck in the ordinary day-to-day grind that faces most of us ?
Whatever she found in this relationship with the other man, is not necessarily somehing she COULD not get from you, but something that for various possible reasons, she WAS not getting from you - and as any relationship requires two parties, its about what she was not giving as well as getting, too.
Wouldn't marriage counselling be a wise investment ? That way you can discuss these themes with her, in the presence of an expert referree, and she'd have a chance to admit to the more intense relationship that seems to have occurred.
Confrontation is grossly over-valued.
Would an open relationship actually be satisfying to either of you, on any lasting basis ? Wouldn't it just make your primary relationship harder to repair ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Chris758 | 2012/10/19

JC only people that went through the same thing knows how it destroys your trust and eventually the love that you felt towards your partner. But believe me, you get out while you can because she will abuse you always, every day and every time!!!!

I am going through the same thing and I was judged to be an emotional abuser!!!! get out and forget her and get her out of your system. You will never trust her again, ask me, and evrytime she has some or other meeting you will wonder if she is really at the meeting!!

Women can be serious abusers yet they always blame it on the man.

Reply to Chris758
Posted by: 40''ish | 2012/10/18

I''m with PHil on this one....how can you survive being cheated on? Her in bed with another man? its just not possible.

Sorry dear Its the kakkest thing that can ever happen.

Good luck - its gonna hurt like hell i know.

We do somehow get over it and lead better, honest, pure lives.

rather now than later with more hurt and more possessions to lose

Reply to 40''ish
Posted by: Si | 2012/10/18

JC you''re a good man, but come on bud. Are you going to sacrifice your happiness for one person? You both chose to get married and remain faithful - she has betrayed that trust. Why would you go through the rest of your life being with someone that you have to second guess? There are so many people out there, why settle for one that doesn''t make you completely happy? Yes you have empathy and that''s a wonderful trait, but not if you end up second best. I know that sounds selfish but this is a situation where you and your decision take precedent. Of course she''ll say sorry and try explain herself, but the point is for you to make up your mind first. Why get all the details when you know the end of the story already. You have a really cool chance to start over again! No kids involved. Awesome! And all that " tough"  stuff like the house etc is nothing in the big scheme of things. Come on boytjie, time to start thinking about yourself. If she does " something stupid"  to herself, that''s her pathetic problem. She (so obviously) doesn''t deserve you.

Reply to Si
Posted by: Hollywood | 2012/10/18

I''m sorry JC but you should kick her to the curb. She is lying, being deceitful and is taking you for a ride. My father had plenty of affairs and eventually left my mom... she just took it and it ended up costing her years of hard times.

The house? It''s material. Your furniture and appliances? Material. You marriage? Sacred and she is making a mockery of you. She said in the email she wants to be the person you deserve to have, yet she''s not exactly rushing to open the channels of communication with you and explain her deeds to you, is she?

She did it once, she''s done it again... she will probably end up doing it a third time, even with counselling.

Save yourself the drama and humiliation. You can love her, but you gotta love yourself more.

Reply to Hollywood
Posted by: Phil | 2012/10/18

Sorry JC  I''m not even going into detail. But it''s over, with counseling and her b*llshitting you you can prolong the inevatble. What she wants  she does not get from you. That will not change. That urge is so strong  morals means nothing as she has shown you. She will get it somewhere else. That something that is missing  can''t be grown. It will never be there. The only think you can do is to get out right now  get over it and go on with your life. Stay in it  and like many you will one day regret for wasted time that you can never get back. And please don''t think that you are a lesser man  you are not. These things happen. These types of men and woman are out there  corrupt as it may be.
Sorry for my crule harsh words  but you need to hear it. Good luck  it isn''t an easy road you are on.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: Realist | 2012/10/17

A sad reflection of today''s " :ME"  society. Morality out the window and no real knowledge of the oerson we decide to {Hopefully) spend the rest of our lives with in married bliss. I am sure if there was a real in depth personal discussion prior to marriage, if I may call it that, would have revealed the chasm betyween the two parties. What the hell are we talking about here ?? The man saying its OK for his wife to cat around if he can too ? Do me a favour !! Here there is no hope and just a whole can of whip-|-!! Grow up !

Reply to Realist
Posted by: JC | 2012/10/17

Thanks Sonto for the advice and encouragement.

Reply to JC
Posted by: Sonto | 2012/10/17

HI JC, I am going through through the same situation. My husband cheated and I forgave him, then he cheated again this time he impregnated the woman. Cheating is a choice, all relationship go through a hard time, however that does not give anyone a free pass to cheat. She clearly does not respect you and the best thing you can do for yourself is to go for counselling and after that only you and you can make a decision of whether to remain married to her or not. Monst importantly dont let or allow this to change you. Karma is a b@$@@.

Reply to Sonto
Posted by: JC | 2012/10/17

Thanks for the 2c James. Nice to know I am not alone.

Michelle, yes there are a few... and what is it they say? Nice guys finish last.

I guess I will talk to her and see if she would be willing to engage in counselling. It may still result in us splitting up if I am not happy with the outcome. I am slow to trust and even slower to allow someone to regain my trust if they breach it so this is an uphill battle.

JC

Reply to JC
Posted by: Michelle | 2012/10/17

Wow, JC. I can hardly believe that there are men like you left on planet earth.... thought that you are all long gone LOL!

I know what you are saying. I am in a similiar position... own a house together, live comfortably, have dogs that we both love, but you can''t force something that is not there anymore. I know, easy for me to say, as I am also sitting in my little comfort zone and I don''t want to divorce... but a marriage has to come from 2 partners (both giving a 100%) and it sounds to me, unfortunately, like it is only coming from you at the moment.

Coming from a woman.... when the love is gone, the sex also goes down the drain. It is a vicious circle. Also, a man would cheat for sex only, but for a woman it goes beyond sex. It is very rarely because of sex, but more about something on an emotional level that she lacks. She might still love you, but not in love with you anymore. I know, it cuts deep!

I hope you all the best! It is a difficult journey.







Reply to Michelle
Posted by: James | 2012/10/17

This is something I dont wish on my worst enemy having been through this myself. At the end of the day for me it was better to get out. Its a hard place to be but my 2 cents worth is that you should either give it a chance if she is prepared to work at it (mine wasnt) or get out.

Reply to James
Posted by: JC | 2012/10/17

Thanks Michelle. The thought terrifies me to be honest. I love my life, we have a nice home and live comfortably enough. To have to divorce and sell the house etc (we own it together although I make the payments) is daunting. Maybe I must jsut bite the bullet but I am not sure.

I am finding it hard to talk to my friends about this, not because I can''t, I have some very good mates who would be happy to listen, but I am worried about what they would think of her. How screwed up am I?

Reply to JC
Posted by: Michelle | 2012/10/17

JC, can I be harsh with you?

It will be pathetic of you to tell her that she may continue... even on certain conditions.

Noooo! put your foot down. A hard past, doesn''t and shouldn''t justify what she is doing. Even if she goes of the rails - that will be the consequences of her choice and actions.

You sound like a very decent and kind man. So, please don''t beg or grovel. Confront her and tell her that you want her out. Maybe if she is really sorry, then you can give her another chance (if you can believe her).

Good luck, my friend.

Reply to Michelle
Posted by: JC | 2012/10/17

Thanks Reality Check, I know I need to hear that. I am too soft on her, I know this - she has had a hard life and I really am the best thing that ever happened to her. I worry that if I do divorce her, she will go off the rails and try to hurt herself - she did this once before long before I knew but she says she has pormised herself never to get in a situation like that again. It''s in my nature to put myself in the other persons shoes and often I end up getting walked over for it. I sat thinking last night that every single on my my serious relationships has ended with her being unfaithful. Obviously I am doing something wrong ans I need to fix it.

Reply to JC
Posted by: JC | 2012/10/17

I am sure counseling might help but should I let her know I know about the affair before we go that route or not? On the surface, things are better between us but if the strength of our relationship is built on deceit then I don''t think it''s a good thing and we should see someone.

Reply to JC
Posted by: reality check | 2012/10/17

Hi JC, Excuse me but damn this woman is arrogant, she is not happy and not sexually adventurous but can be with another man for a night of passion, she is not in to much sex but can get hot and heave with another man,
She lied to you and you need to set the rules, she is abusing your kindness and understanding , basically she is tagging you along in her joyride for selfish reasons, being financialy better of with you.
Believe me if it was you who was cheating, she would have thrown you out of the house and would take you to the cleaners, I am sorry , was there before, My husband, had no time for me , and all the excuses in the book, but had time for casual affairs, etc.
A cheater is a very selfish person, and she is manipulating you at the moment, put your foot down, and dont take her lies and bull crap she is dishing out to you at the moment, you need to give it to her straight it is you or nothing, and dont just make alarms, stick to it, does she have so little respect for your relationship that she will compromise it with a night of passion, the deal breaker in any relationship is cheating, my current partner knows I will not put up with any of this cheating bull shit.
Sorry if I sound harsh but you are to soft on her and take charge or leave, that is the only way, she owes you honesty and respect, and yes it is a good idea , tell her you will return the favour on your trip and see how she would like it. I eventually got divorce and guess what one of my husband''s flings got pregnant, o joy I was hurt but promised myself I will never ever take a lying cheating persons bull crap! you have only one life to live and only you can decide, but you deserve better than this, she is weak and she needs to own up to this, and not just brushed it of as nothing happenend, of course it did, she was already emotionaly involved with another man, while being married, she should have told you!, She is still lying to you!

Reply to reality check
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/10/17

I wonder what she feels she HAD planned instead of getting stuck in the ordinary day-to-day grind that faces most of us ?
Whatever she found in this relationship with the other man, is not necessarily somehing she COULD not get from you, but something that for various possible reasons, she WAS not getting from you - and as any relationship requires two parties, its about what she was not giving as well as getting, too.
Wouldn't marriage counselling be a wise investment ? That way you can discuss these themes with her, in the presence of an expert referree, and she'd have a chance to admit to the more intense relationship that seems to have occurred.
Confrontation is grossly over-valued.
Would an open relationship actually be satisfying to either of you, on any lasting basis ? Wouldn't it just make your primary relationship harder to repair ?

Reply to cybershrink

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