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Posted by: Katy | 2011/01/10

I feel so used ...

I had an affair (short-lived, but an affair nontheless) and I was the one who got hurt. I am married, he is single (divorced). He told me he would never do anything to hurt me, yet when he had had enough, he threatened to forward all sms and mails we had sent one another to my husband. He told me he would destroy my life if I did not leave him alone. Women more often than not get involved emotionally (yes I did .. I had strong feelings for him) whereas men get involved sexually in a relationship ... when we started our affair he told me that it would be a physical relationship only and that if he ever developed feelings for me, he would walk away from me. Whether he in fact developed feelings for me and that is why he dumped me or whether he just wanted to have sex and dumped me thereafter remains an unanswered question, but deep down inside I know that he had what he wanted and decided to move on ... there were no feelings from his side and it hurts me terribly that he just used me. I went into the affair with open eyes and of my own free will. I know what I did was wrong and I will regret it for the rest of my life ... I will never get myself into a situation like that again. I have to live with my mistakes and regrets for the rest of my life. To all women out there contemplating having an affair, IT IS NOT WORTH IT. You will get hurt and hurt innocent people in the process. While we were seeing one another, I enjoyed the excitement of the late night sms and calls and sneaking away from work to see him. When I think about all those things now, I realise how dishonest and deceiptful I was. I am ashamed of what I did and don''t for one minute try to blame my husband (his lack of attention and affection etc.) for driving me into another man''s arms! I did it because I wanted to, not because I was driven to it.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Unpleasant experience, but not surprising and not unusual in affairs - never forgety how vulnerable any affair makes you, in so many ways, and how much you cannot control the process or the outcome. Whether anyone actually manages an affair without emotional involvement ( and emotional hurt when it ends ) is not clear ; but some certainly seem to show less hurt when it's over.
Thanks for providin an experienced and realistic warning to those who think it could be easy. It is never easy, and never adviseable

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Curious | 2011/01/10

Katy i have posted on 691 - cheating. I am just curious to know why. I am not been judgemental at all and as mentioned we all do make mistakes. Its only through our mistakes that we learn.

Reply to Curious
Posted by: Katy | 2011/01/10

Thank Two-stone .. I will forgive myself! I know that he would not show the sms as he had told me whilst we were still on speaking terms that he deletes the sms and pics from his phone and that I must do the same, which I did. I think he needs help ... seriously ... I have closed that door behind me and hope that our paths never, ever cross again! Thanks also for not being judgmental ....

Reply to Katy
Posted by: two-stone | 2011/01/10

Katy, when men say they only want a sexual relationship, not emotional, they just want to have their cake and eat it. It eased his conscience as he KNEW he was going to end it before it began, and after he had had his fling. He is a dog and unfortunately you had to suffer. (I bet he would have never showed the SMSs to you husband either). You have punished yourself enough now. Close the door, focus on your family, learn from this and move on. You sound like a gentle, sweet person who made a mistake (who hasn''t?) Forgive yourself from this moment ok?

Reply to two-stone
Posted by: Katy | 2011/01/10

James : it is clear that your ex-wife hurt you a lot when she cheated on you ... maybe this man went thru something similar hence his outlook on sex and relationships.

Reply to Katy
Posted by: James | 2011/01/10

Just my 2 cents worth since I dont know your situation but after my wife cheated on me (we are now divorced 6 years) I will never go the marriage route again and as far as I am concerned I only need a woman for sex. I am very self sufficient other wise, also note I am not " using"  anyone either as I will not enter a long term relationship either.

While not all women are to be painted with the same brush I will now only have sexual relations with a woman.

Reply to James
Posted by: Katy | 2011/01/10

Just wondering : thank you ... yes I did wish that he would feel about me the way I did about him ... maybe he is just the type of person who uses others for his own pleasure and when it gets too much for him to handle, he pushes them away! Maybe he was hurt before in his life and now he treats other women badly .. I actually don''t know what to think about it anymore. We no longer have any contact and it''s best that way. It happened and nothing I say or do can change that ..... a bad decision on my part caused my own pain and misery .. I have to deal with it ...

Reply to Katy
Posted by: Just wondering | 2011/01/10

I appreciate your honest reply. Perhaps it was because you were hoping he would develop feeling over time, perhaps it was because....................who knows? I wish you everything of the best for the future.

Reply to Just wondering
Posted by: Katy | 2011/01/10

Just wondering : every day I think about this and every day I tell myself how STUPID I was ... I should''ve run like hell when he told me that he was just in it for the sex ... I went into it with my eyes open and I actually deserve the way he treated me ... I should''ve remembered his words about it being physical and nothing else .... I guess we sometimes have to learn hard and painful lessons in life to ensure that we don''t make the same stupid mistakes again .... thanks for not judging me .... I could tell you about my marriage and the way my husband treats me, but I don''t want anyone to think that I used that as an excuse to do what I did.

Reply to Katy
Posted by: Just wondering | 2011/01/10

If you went into the relationship knowing....... " when we started our affair he told me that it would be a physical relationship only and that if he ever developed feelings for me, he would walk away from me"  ........ then I must wonder why you are crying about the situation now. You also say....... " it hurts me terribly that he just used me" ......., don''t you think he told you loud enough in the beginning that he was going to use you by saying that it would be physical only. You admit you went in to it wide-eyed. I''m not judging you, as I''ve not been in your situation, so don''t know what made you make the choices you made - just wondering.......?

Reply to Just wondering
Posted by: Katy | 2011/01/10

Yes u r so right Maxpain, I got what I wanted ... and much more than I bargained for ....

Reply to Katy
Posted by: Katy | 2011/01/10

I loved the attention I was receiving from this man .. he made me feel good about myself, giving me compliments and wooing me at every opportunity. I guess in a way (and at my age) I enjoyed being told that I am attractive, that I have a nice body for my age and that he could not believe that someone like me could be interested in someone like him ... sad and stupid I know, but I fell for it and now have the " scars"  to prove it! He was the typical high school geek and I was one of the popular girls at school so when we met each other again after being out of school for nearly 30 years, he was amazed that there was even the slightest bit of interest from my side .... and the rest is history ..... been there, done it and have learned a very painful lesson from it ...

Reply to Katy
Posted by: Maxpain | 2011/01/10

You cheated on hubby, we men get used everyday by women you don''t see us crying and being resentful besides you both enjoyed the sex you got what you wanted as well.

Reply to Maxpain
Posted by: Anon | 2011/01/10

Why did you do it then?

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Aha! | 2011/01/10

Sometimes we''re so far off the beaten track
We''ll get taken for a ride
By a parlor trick or some words of wit
A hidden hand up a sleeve
To think the one you love
could hurt you now
Is a little hard to believe
But everybody darlin'' sometimes
Bites the hand that feeds

Reply to Aha!
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/01/10

Unpleasant experience, but not surprising and not unusual in affairs - never forgety how vulnerable any affair makes you, in so many ways, and how much you cannot control the process or the outcome. Whether anyone actually manages an affair without emotional involvement ( and emotional hurt when it ends ) is not clear ; but some certainly seem to show less hurt when it's over.
Thanks for providin an experienced and realistic warning to those who think it could be easy. It is never easy, and never adviseable

Reply to cybershrink

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