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Question
Posted by: going out of my mind | 2010/02/02

I feel like leaving - but it hurts to think about it

Im so confused and frustrated at the moment, I dont know what to do or where to go or even who to turn to. Everyone is waiting for my marriage to fail and I know they will just be gloating if I leave, but more than that I have an amazing husband. He loves me more than I deserve and for the last 3 months our relationship has gone from fantastic / wonderful / full of love / great sex - to - dont come near me / do I have to kiss you / please dont touch me.

3 months ago my husband and I bought his parents house. Packed up our lives and moved provinces. His parents and us now share the house. I knew there would be some difficulties but I never expected it to be this bad. I have known this family all my life.

Firstly I am still unemployed and desperately looking for a job. I have no authority in the house. No one listens to me. I' m constantly fighting with my hubby and its tearing him up inside. I feel like when his folks do something that irritates me, he takes their side, so now im the bad guy. When I want things done a certain way, no one bothers to listen and they just keep doing everything the way they always used to, and I must just adjust around them. I still have 10 boxes that have not yet been unpacked, all my photos and things I loved - theres no place for them. I have compromised so much, and it feels like i just have to keep on compromising to keep the peace. But what about me, what about my peace, and the fact that I need to make this house my home.

In 11 years with my hubby I have never seriously considered leaving him. For the last 5 days its all I can think of. Leave and the troubles will be over, there are no children to worry about, thank God for that. Just him and me, but leaving him will kill him. He loves me so much and the last thing I want to do is hurt him, and I know that I should stay and fight through this, get through this with him, I just dont know if I can.

i dont know if Im looking for advise or just venting..... Thanks

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I wonder what is going on here. Sometimes a problem arises when a couple move in with parents, and the husband or wife may not want to have sex for fear that the old folks will hear !
When you say you and your husband bought the house - did you put any money into buying it ? I ask because if so, then you are a part-owner of the house.
The parents naturally won't want to change their habits - they have been doing things their way for years, and are still living in the same house. The issues which bother you - are they really important ?
Have you asked your husband and his parents, not WHETHER you can have some space for your personal pictures and things, but rather ask WHICH space you can best use for your things.
And maybe see a marriage counsellor together, to see what you can sort ou between you with proper expert advice.

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Our users say:
Posted by: qwerty | 2010/02/03

I would strongly suggest you guys go for some counselling together. I know it sounds bad, and there seems to be a stigma attached to " couples counselling" . But before my husband and I got married, we had to attend a compulsory marriage prep course in the form of some counselling sessions. (our church required it)

And even though we didn' t have any problems, it was incredibly useful! And both of us came away from the sessions better people. The counsellor taught us some very useful techniques in terms of communicating and compromising that I find myself using even today still. e.g. Not attacking your partner directly by saying YOU did this and YOU never do THAT and YOU YOU YOU..... but rather phrasing the same sentences by starting with I... I don' t like it when X and I would prefer if we could do more of Y and I feel threatened when this or that happens.

You' re still saying the same things, but you' re phrasing them in a way that your partner doesn' t immediately feel threatened and defensive and is more open to listening to what you' re saying.

And sometimes it' s very useful to get a completely unbiased external view into a situation. I' m sure your husband would be happy to do this with you, as it sounds like you' re both pretty unhappy at this point. The counsellor will also most probably help him see that he needs to take your needs into consideration as well - not just his parents' ! If you' ve had such a long and happy marriage, you shouldn' t throw it all away now. Fight!!

Reply to qwerty
Posted by: Keen | 2010/02/02

11 years and you only consider leaving now? Obviously the living arrangement has to be seriously addressed. My advice would be to be honest with your husband and tell him the truth about the new living arrangement and that you are worried it is affecting your marriage. Depending on how long this is going to be the case, to be honest....maybe just grin and bear for a little while until you get ur own place? I know it seems unfair, but 11 years is a long time to just throw everything away.....

Reply to Keen
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/02/02

I wonder what is going on here. Sometimes a problem arises when a couple move in with parents, and the husband or wife may not want to have sex for fear that the old folks will hear !
When you say you and your husband bought the house - did you put any money into buying it ? I ask because if so, then you are a part-owner of the house.
The parents naturally won't want to change their habits - they have been doing things their way for years, and are still living in the same house. The issues which bother you - are they really important ?
Have you asked your husband and his parents, not WHETHER you can have some space for your personal pictures and things, but rather ask WHICH space you can best use for your things.
And maybe see a marriage counsellor together, to see what you can sort ou between you with proper expert advice.

Reply to cybershrink

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