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Question
Posted by: James | 2010/01/25

I feel like hurting someone

My younger sister was molested for 6 years without anybody' s knowledge by our father, I am now in my 20' s and she' s in her teens. We found out just a few months ago, and there is an ongoing criminal case.

How do I make peace with what happened, how do I release this pent up anger? I feel like causing severe bodily harm to him for what he did. But I know I have a career and my own life ahead of me. How do I deal with this inner conflict?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Work with a competent counsellor / therapist. You need to protect your own life and career - and that of your sister, and to recognize that while the anger is natural, attacking the wicked man would not help anyone, and would even delay the trial and increase your sister's distress.
Deal with the inner conflict with your therapist's help. And maybe there would be some opportunity in the trial ( where your support for your sister will be critically important ) to comment on your father's behaviour. I wish our courts more routinely allowed the sort of formal statements to court by the victims and families, befofre sentencing, that are used in other countries. Maybe it is possible, even if not routine.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Woman | 2010/01/25

Your sister needs you to be able to look into her face and not need to see you living every abuse on her. You did not know, and you couldn' t have stopped it even if you did. You were a kid too you know.

She has done something amazing! She spoke up, she stopped it! She will have many many demons to face in the coming years. She will off course sometimes be angry, sometimes she will cry. Sometimes she will blame you, blame your mom. Sometimes she will try to do something that is so bad for her

Now you can be the strong one. You can love her and accept her and hold her and allow her to grow out of this.Help her become the person who can say, I survived childhood abuse, I am not a victim!

Your father, he will have many many years to think on his behaviour. I cannot say much for him except that you need not ever think that you are in any way like him. Your choice is to love and respect your sister. You are already better than him.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Main | 2010/01/25

You know me and my family just discovered that last month, when we went on a family vacation to Capetown, it really was a donting feeling, I mean a man I looked up to and adored, even wanted my future husband t be like him, was doing the same thing to my cousins, I still have the same thoughts as yours, I sometiems dream of totureing him to death, or cutting his thing of, I soetime wake up hating myself, casue its his blood that runs through my veins and my last name is his name. God why did you let this happen to us, why my dad, he is a respected and prominent man, even in church he has a stand out personality, some of our family memebers say its not true, we shouldnt take legal steps agaisnt him, afraid of the implication of the scandal that comes with this.

Reply to Main
Posted by: Rox | 2010/01/25

James,

If I where you - I would lock him up in a small dark room with no windows or light, just a small door...
Tie him to a pole and set a pack of srariving pit bulls on him!

Im sorry James, even though this man is your father. He molested his own daughter!

I know how you feel as I have been in a similar situation.

As impossible as its seems, make peace with this man. However, he needs to feel as guilty as possible for what he has done. he needs to forgive himself before other can forgive.

My heart goes out to you and your family!
Hugs xx

Reply to Rox
Posted by: Rox | 2010/01/25

James,

If I where you - I would lock him up in a small dark room with no windows or light, just a small door...
Tie him to a pole and set a pack of srariving pit bulls on him!

Im sorry James, even though this man is your father. He molested his own daughter!

I know how you feel as I have been in a similar situation.

As impossible as its seems, make peace with this man. However, he needs to feel as guilty as possible for what he has done. he needs to forgive himself before other can forgive.

My heart goes out to you and your family!
Hugs xx

Reply to Rox
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/01/25

Work with a competent counsellor / therapist. You need to protect your own life and career - and that of your sister, and to recognize that while the anger is natural, attacking the wicked man would not help anyone, and would even delay the trial and increase your sister's distress.
Deal with the inner conflict with your therapist's help. And maybe there would be some opportunity in the trial ( where your support for your sister will be critically important ) to comment on your father's behaviour. I wish our courts more routinely allowed the sort of formal statements to court by the victims and families, befofre sentencing, that are used in other countries. Maybe it is possible, even if not routine.

Reply to cybershrink

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