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Question
Posted by: BumbleBee | 2012-10-11

I feel humiliated and hurt

Hi Doc, I''ve been married to my husband for eight years. We are still in our 20''s, no children. We have been each others " firsts and onlys"  if you know what I mean. When we met he was in a strange phase of his life (drinking to the point his friends told him to get help, doing drugs, etc). I " fixed"  him up so to say, without changing who he is (he''s still the same man, just with healthier lifestyle habits).

In the past, he has always made comments about sleeping with other women. Lately it has been getting worse, and I am scared. He went to see a psychologist recently because he has a very low self esteem and low confidence, trust issues, etc. (thanks to his family who poured all their resources into making sure his younger sister has the best possible life ever, the psychologist told him what his family did was abuse). This guy also told him that maybe he should have had a few flings before getting serious with me, which hasn''t helped my feelings at all. I did tell hubby about my fears, he says I mustn''t worry but he still makes comments.

He is forever chatting on BBM and WhatsApp on his phone to his friends, but when he is out with him friends I cannot reach him, practically.

I''ve never stopped my hubby from going out with him friends, only asked that he comes home at reasonable hours (because I am home alone)- he used to party literally until sunrise the next morning. Depending on the friends he goes out with, he sticks to the agreement. Certain friends he doesn''t, and I even had to fetch him once at 02:30 in the morning because his friend wouldn''t bring him home. I always tell hubby to take our car so he can leave when he wants to (besides, his friends get REALLY drunk and drive, I don''t like that at all)- he never listens to me. When I phone him to ask him where he is (say if it''s like 02:00 or he''s told me he''s on his way but 30 minutes later still isn''t him) - he never answers his phone and even rejects my calls, I have to BEG him to reply to my messages and basically I get so furious and angry (at the fact that I am wasting my airtime and he is not sticking to our agreement) that when he does get home, we fight. F.Y.I. , if he isn''t working the next day then I don''t get tooooo angry at him for coming home late, but he has come home at 03:00 only to have to get up at 07:30 to work (I''m looking out for HIS health here).

When we fight lately, he always says that he''s just going to pack up and leave and be an @sshole by himself. He''ll give me maintenance (for our pets) and go and screw who he wants. He went out last night to go watch some bands and promised he''d be home by 22:00, 23:00 at the latest. He came home at 00:30 and I thought this is the last straw. I had begged him to come home at about 23:30, because I struggle to sleep when he is not there and of course we both have work today. So last night and today, we fight. While he was in the shower this morning I decided to do some snooping on his phone (I don''t care if it''s an invasion of his privacy, something is up).

So in his messages to his sister I found that he is doing drugs with his friends. I am so upset and feel so stupid. His sister doesn''t like me AT ALL (she said I changed hubby for the worse) and so I''m sure it gives her great satisfaction to hear this. She is probably being so smug about it, probably going to tell their mother (who HATES me for stealing her precious son) that my hubby is hiding stuff from me, they are probably going to be so happy and hope it''s the end of our marriage (and I am being so honest here, they really hope we break up, my SIL even went so far as to tell my hubby once there are other fish in the sea).

I haven''t confronted him yet... he said (for the hundredth time) that the is leaving tonight, he thinks we are still fighting over his being out last night.

I must admit, I am a shouter and a cryer... how do I deal with him about this like two reasonable adults (he''s not actually reasonable, he doesn''t listen to me whether I shout, whisper, cry, ignore, pour my heart out, etc).

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe this is a bit more of a risk in "first and onlys" - some people seem to think that sleeping with a number of other people should be on their bucket list, and its some form of human right they denied themselves by settling into a relationship early on. It's not, of course. But they can become curious, and feel they missed out on something, and, even bigger error, that indulging in a spot of promiscuity now would somehow enhance their lives, rather than ruining their current relationship and adding a few probably grubby and unsatisfying minor experiences.
Low self-esteem, etc., would be predictable, and he should discuss these longings for promiscuity with his shrink. However, his shrink sounds dramatically foolish, if he actually made the stupid and utternly unhelpful suggestion that "he should have had a few flings" before setling with you. UNless the shrink provides am free ticket on a time machine, advice that you SHOULD have done something you didn't do and cant do ( he cannot now have anything BEFORE he met you ) is simply damaging and deeply unhelpful.
So maybe a more mature and sensible shrink is needed, and maybe couples counselling, too.
For a married man to still be partying until as late at night as he can get away with, is immature and deeply selfish.
Sounds like you are too busy looking after his health, and he isn't busy enough doing this, which is entirely HIS responsibility. If one can use such a word and apply it to him.
That he is now doing drugs behind your back, and telling his sister and not you, is also selfish and bad.
And how can she think you changed him for the worse - worse than his ?
You CANNOT "deal with this like 2 reasonable adults" because one of you, namely him is not and apparently never has been, a reasonable adult.
Consider getting legal advice about protecing your rights, and if he wants to go, let him go, and discover the fruits of his foolishness.

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: Just Saying! The real one | 2012-10-11

Sweetie ,you are reminding me exactly how my first marraige was, you need to toughen up and stop giving this awful little boy play time and me time, I also had to hear it was just for the boys and was never allowed to go with etc, only to find out later , there was other woman, accept me and he cheated. Even our counselour said to me that it is a losing battle and he was blaming me for al his short comings, we were just seperated and the day after the divorce was finalised I have learned that another lady was pregnant wiith his child.

Your are taking to much crap from this asshole and yes the others are rigth pack his bags and let him leave toninght because a married man can not have the life of a single guy. I get angry with woman like yourself, waisting your best years of your life on a low life, scum that is using every excuse in the book to get his way. He is selfish and you need to be happy and care free with a man that loves and want''s to live life with you and not seperate lifes! No my dear, you need to make a decision stay and stop complaining ( sorry if it sounds harsh but it is true, you are enabling him to live the life he is living now) or leave pull the door behind you and take charge of your life and be happy and care free away from this spoiled little boy with no balls)
there is no if butj''s or maybe , it starts with you, this is abuse written all over your story, I know so was there in my 20''s waisted my time on someone who did not deserve it at all, today I am happy with a wonderfull man that loves me dearly and we are making a life together, my mom waited 30 years for better days and today she is bitter and lonely, stop the cycle now , today!

Reply to Just Saying! The real one
Posted by: Shaddie | 2012-10-11

You do not deserve this type of abuse. You seem to be a clean living person and you are not well matched at all to this guy. I think the time has come where you have to make up your mind as to whether you must stay in this marriage or not. Or try to make it his decision, that would be even better. If he says he is going to pack up and go, you say, okay, have a nice life.

I was married to a man when I was 23, he slept around more than 20 times, that I know about. I finally said I am out, but he could not handle the rejection. About a week later, he said he was out, so in the end it was his decision to break up the marriage. He had to go to court and I made him pay the fees as he messed up and he decided to leave.

Be strong...

Reply to Shaddie
Posted by: Kate | 2012-10-11

Maybe you should just let him leave and have some time to himself to see what his life would be without you...
Myabe also try not be be so emotional about it all and let him know that if he wants to mess his life up, you wont have any part of it. He can go back to his mom and stay out all night if he wants but he''s not going to do it while he''s with you.

Let him go, hopefully he will realise what he has and come back when he seriously knows whats important in his life and wants to work on making your relationship work.

Reply to Kate
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012-10-11

Maybe this is a bit more of a risk in "first and onlys" - some people seem to think that sleeping with a number of other people should be on their bucket list, and its some form of human right they denied themselves by settling into a relationship early on. It's not, of course. But they can become curious, and feel they missed out on something, and, even bigger error, that indulging in a spot of promiscuity now would somehow enhance their lives, rather than ruining their current relationship and adding a few probably grubby and unsatisfying minor experiences.
Low self-esteem, etc., would be predictable, and he should discuss these longings for promiscuity with his shrink. However, his shrink sounds dramatically foolish, if he actually made the stupid and utternly unhelpful suggestion that "he should have had a few flings" before setling with you. UNless the shrink provides am free ticket on a time machine, advice that you SHOULD have done something you didn't do and cant do ( he cannot now have anything BEFORE he met you ) is simply damaging and deeply unhelpful.
So maybe a more mature and sensible shrink is needed, and maybe couples counselling, too.
For a married man to still be partying until as late at night as he can get away with, is immature and deeply selfish.
Sounds like you are too busy looking after his health, and he isn't busy enough doing this, which is entirely HIS responsibility. If one can use such a word and apply it to him.
That he is now doing drugs behind your back, and telling his sister and not you, is also selfish and bad.
And how can she think you changed him for the worse - worse than his ?
You CANNOT "deal with this like 2 reasonable adults" because one of you, namely him is not and apparently never has been, a reasonable adult.
Consider getting legal advice about protecing your rights, and if he wants to go, let him go, and discover the fruits of his foolishness.

Reply to cybershrink

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