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Posted by: Liza | 2013-01-10

I feel awful

For the past week, I''ve had the most dreadful feeling of terror - and I don''t know why. There is nothing specific I''m dreading - it''s just a general feeling of terror. I felt so sick on Monday and Tuesday, that I took sick leave. I''ve got a slight sinus problem - my nose is blocked and I sneeze a lot - but I don''t think this is what is making me feel so bad. This morning I actually had to force myself to leave the house and come to work. Now I''m feeling horribly nauseous and shaky and I''m swallowing back the tears because I don''t want to show emotion to all the other people in our open-plan office.

My mood has been so stable for the past 3 years that I haven''t needed to be hospitalised, but it feels like I''m being sucked into a black hole right now. I don''t want to crash into depression - but it''s like I''m a deer in the headlights. I can see it coming, but I can''t make myself get out of the way.

I''m so absolutely bone tired even though I sleep up to 10 hours at night. I''ve started sleep-walking again too - because every morning when I wake up, I have new bruises that I can''t remember how I got them.

My boss is very understanding about my bipolar, but it feels like I''m letting everyone down. My productivity is almost zero because I can''t concentrate and even though I know it would be better to tell my boss that things aren''t going well right now, I get a panic attack when I even try to think about how I''ll tell her.

My psychiatrist is away until next week and I don''t feel comfortable discussing this with a stand-in. So I guess I''ll just have to keep showing everyone my ''happy'' face and endure until then...

Thanks for letting me vent...
Liza

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

So sorry to hear about this, Liza. This sort of "free-floating anxiety", that is so pervasive, without being attached to anything specific, can be harder to deal with, as there's no obvious action that might seek to improve the invisible cause. Be prepared to deal with whatver may arise, but lets hope its a lot less than it feels to you as though it might be ( if that convoluited sentence makes sense !)
I'm wondering whether you have been taking anything for the cold / flu symptoms. May be irrelevant, but viral infections can make us depressed for a while, antibiotics can cause a range of psych symptoms including anxiety and just feeling very odd ; and cough and cold cures can cause symptoms including increased anxiety and some physical symptoms similar to anxiety.
I'll bet your boss wishes more people ( maybe ANYONE else !) in your company worried nearly as much about not letting people down.
I dont recall you mentioning sleep walking before. Have others witnessed this, or is this just your explanation for ubexpected morning bruises ? It may be worth a physical check, as a range of conditions including again some drug reactions, can cause one to bruise unusually easily.
I wonder to what extent your difficulty in concentrating is due to a disorder, and to what extent its due to your anxiety that this might be due to a disorder ? As you yourself remark, you tend to panic about the possibility of being ill. Maybe there is less going on than it feels like, especially as yopur psychiatrist is away and you have good reason to feel a bit more vulnerable.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2013-01-10

Thanks Maria. I don''t want to put in more sick leave right now in case I need to be hospitalized, because that would be at least 2 weeks. At least I am working from home tomorrow - so no need to leave the house...

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Maria | 2013-01-10

Sending you some (((HUGS))). Hang in there. Can you not put in sick leave for tomorrow?

Reply to Maria

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