advertisement
Question
Posted by: thandiwe | 2010/10/19

I dont understand my husband

I have a problem with my husband, we got married in 2008 but to date I dont know what kind of a man he is. we are staying with his daughter from previous marriage, he will never even bother to take me out or buy me anything, but guess what he only gives me when the daughter asks for something, its either he will give her secretely or else he will give me and then I will know that the daughter has asked something what must I do is this fine or am I jeaoulos, I told him that I dont want things to be done secretely in the house but he always do them anyway so what must I do, I have decided that because he is getting bonus in November I need not be there let him share the money with his daughter because the other time we were discussing I was asking him what is he going to do with the money because I know he has many debts, he said I must never ask him about his money.

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

One of the things that become clear in this forum, is that it is rarely wise to marry, or even enter into a close, child-bearing, home-sharing, relationship with someone you really don't know. This is why, in most cultures, there used to be a strongly-held custom of long engagement and involvement of parents and family, to make more sure that the partners knew each other and to reduce unpleasant surprises.
I also find a very frequent set of problems where the man has children by a previous marriage, and in a sense remains generously "married" to them rather than to his wife.
Its a very risky mariage where either partner, maybe especially the husband, feels that hi money and financial affairs should be a secret kept from his wife. That's not a real marriage, not even a business partnership. That's more of a master-servant relationship.
THink seriously about the future for you in this marriasge in which it sounds he shows little respect for you. Marriage counselling could help, but I'd fear that he would declare it unnecessary or refuse to take part.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

10
Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2010/10/21

Jones - I never said that the husband has to hand over his bank card. Yes it is great when a partner does little things for his wife. This does not mean that he has to give money! Giving a wife flowers, taking her out to dinner etc. are romantic gestures that should be required in any loving relationship.

As I also mentioned - " Naturally living expenses in the home needs to be shared depending on who earns what - but above that? Not in our current society."  It seems like you don''t understand this statement. To put it practically: The husband has to carry the living expenses of his daughter. i.e. Let us say that living expenses amount to R9000 p/m, he is already responsible for R3000 of the living expenses (rent, electricity, food, medical etc.) The other R6000 of the living expenses must be calculated according to who earns what. Thus if the wife earns R5000 and the husband earns R10000, the wife must contribute R2000 and the husband has to contribute R4000. Thus R3000 + R4000 = R7000 that the husband has to contribute and R2000 that the wife has to contribute. This is purely mathematically and logically fair. Neither a husband nor a wife need to consult with the other to spend the rest of their respective salaries. As for sharing bonusses - I would never expect my partner to hand over either a part or the whole bonus. If there are things that need to be done e.g. home improvements etc. then I would expect that part of the bonus be used for things like that - but handing over cash? Definitely not!

Reply to Liza
Posted by: jones | 2010/10/21

I am a man, and i beg to differ with Liza''s assesment. Thandiwe is not suggesting that the husband hands over his bank card to her. We know as men how a woman feels when you do something for her regardless of how cheap it is , but that you thought of them. If the man manages his finances and the woman does the same who will finance the requisites to run the house( under a normal situation u will plan together, which is not so here). Why does he use his money secretly? His budget has secrets, i presume

Reply to jones
Posted by: I believe | 2010/10/20

Liza it sounds like your husband is not taking care of you! So you recon that it ok for the man not to share his finance with his wife? You telling us that you dont care how your husband spent his bonus money? Then why get married then if you have to do everything for yourself and have a hubby who hide his money/budget from you?

Reply to I believe
Posted by: Liza | 2010/10/20

I really can''t understand why some women who have their own income still expect their husband to give them money. Naturally living expenses in the home needs to be shared depending on who earns what - but above that? Not in our current society.

Women who want to be taken care of should be stay-at-home mothers/homemakers.

Just saying that it has to be this way because the bible says so is completely illogical. At the time that the bible was written, women stayed at home and men had jobs. Today women have jobs and earn their own money - so why expect the husband to still hand over some of his earnings? Fairness in relationships is very important and this entitlement attitude is patently unfair...

Just my opinion
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: jose | 2010/10/19

Try doing this for yourself and ask for nothing. Have the same attitude of that he must not ask u about your money, he''ll feel useless as a man and may change his ways.

Reply to jose
Posted by: nm | 2010/10/19

seconded, a man should take care of his wife.

Reply to nm
Posted by: Happiness | 2010/10/19

Why is it so important that he buys you something? Do you regard it as a confirmation of love from him?

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: Thandiwe | 2010/10/19

I am working but even if I am working a man should take care of his wife it is even said in the bible

Reply to Thandiwe
Posted by: Gogo | 2010/10/19

Are u working or do u depend on him when it comes to money

Reply to Gogo
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/10/19

One of the things that become clear in this forum, is that it is rarely wise to marry, or even enter into a close, child-bearing, home-sharing, relationship with someone you really don't know. This is why, in most cultures, there used to be a strongly-held custom of long engagement and involvement of parents and family, to make more sure that the partners knew each other and to reduce unpleasant surprises.
I also find a very frequent set of problems where the man has children by a previous marriage, and in a sense remains generously "married" to them rather than to his wife.
Its a very risky mariage where either partner, maybe especially the husband, feels that hi money and financial affairs should be a secret kept from his wife. That's not a real marriage, not even a business partnership. That's more of a master-servant relationship.
THink seriously about the future for you in this marriasge in which it sounds he shows little respect for you. Marriage counselling could help, but I'd fear that he would declare it unnecessary or refuse to take part.

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement