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Question
Posted by: young girl | 2011/02/07

I dont think i love myself

I have always been untidy, even when i tried t be neat it never really lasted for too long, its even worse because i have never really had the acceptable figure, i have what we call boer figure, big stomach, large breast, round face and no but, and i am black, so that doesnt even help, even the best outfit look horrible on me. I cant even keep a hairstyle for a week without it looking like i have had it for years.

I know i have to work on this, i have tried all my life, i just dont know where to start, and i think my biggest problem is that im ill diciplined. I know i cant control the shape of my body but i can control what i put on, I just never thought i was beautiful.

I realised now that my husband got a sexy young thing that i need to work on myself for myself not for him, I need to lose the weight, and even though i know weightloss is a long term thing i need to start loving myself as i am. im even scared of my own company, i have always found a distraction. internet, play stations, magazines, food, fantasy, anything as long as i dont have to think about me.

Is it possible to start loving myself today,now and really mean it, or am i also being too impatient? Im just tired of living like this. I know i cant love my husband and kids enough until i show that love to myself.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe you never had a figure acceptable TO YOU. I very much doubt that other people felt the same way as you did. The problem, surely, lies in your lack of self-esteem and self-confidence - with this set of negative ( and inaccurate )assumptions about yourself, you would never feel content with how you look.
And i8t is quite common that people who feel out of control of important aspects of their lives ( such as their appearance ) seek to over-control other and irrelevant aspects of their lives.
Of course you can learn to love yourself ( which will make you far more loveable to others ) - see a psychologist for a full assessment and probably CBT ( Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy ) as a way to changing your set of negative and unhelpful assumptions about yourself.
And as Black Sister says, black is as beautiful as any other shade, as you'll realize once you lose your self-prejudice.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: jena | 2011/02/09

Good! That''s one less issue to deal with then. Did you get on your feeet and out the door yet? Go on - practice your GORGEOUSNESS!!!

Reply to jena
Posted by: YOUNG GIRL | 2011/02/08

I tried fixing this yesterday but i couldnt, the reason why i said im black is not because i have a problem with my color, i have no problem whatsoever with my color, i never have, i was just explaining my figure that i have a boer figure but im black. not that im not.... no please i have no color issues

Reply to YOUNG GIRL
Posted by: Jena | 2011/02/08

Dear Young girl. I am older, big and black with kinky hair. I am also gorgeous. While not everyone may think so, there are those who do see my beauty. I keep myself fit while accepting that I will always have a flat bum, thunder thighs and a pot-belly. these have diminished with exercise. the trick is to get off the couch for 20 minutes, walk ten minutes away from home and ten minutes back. Up the pace, distance and time as you become more fit. Do it today. I have a husband but no shortage of (good-looking) ex-boyfriends and hopefuls trying to get with me. I say yes to the attention but no to the advances. I go for long walks on the beach or just up the road dressed in comfortable but tidy clothes. I decide the pace depending on my mood but I keep moving. Reward yourself with lipstick or eyshadow or good fitting bra. Practice you gorgeousness. I think myself beautiful and then I am. You can too.

Reply to Jena
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/02/08

Maybe you never had a figure acceptable TO YOU. I very much doubt that other people felt the same way as you did. The problem, surely, lies in your lack of self-esteem and self-confidence - with this set of negative ( and inaccurate )assumptions about yourself, you would never feel content with how you look.
And i8t is quite common that people who feel out of control of important aspects of their lives ( such as their appearance ) seek to over-control other and irrelevant aspects of their lives.
Of course you can learn to love yourself ( which will make you far more loveable to others ) - see a psychologist for a full assessment and probably CBT ( Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy ) as a way to changing your set of negative and unhelpful assumptions about yourself.
And as Black Sister says, black is as beautiful as any other shade, as you'll realize once you lose your self-prejudice.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Jeans | 2011/02/07

As I was reading your post, I started thinking, " wow, this girl is describing me!"  Until you got to the part " ...and I am black."  You see, I am white and well you could have been reading my mind. SO, honey, I hope you don't feel un-beautiful because you''re black!

I have a big flabby belly, big boobs, a podgy round face and generally am just large (tall though too).

I tried to buy myself a pair of jeans today and must have tried on about twelve pairs before I gave up. But I can tell you, I can wear beautiful flowing tops... and gorgeous jewelry.

Ever heard of Amber Riley, Queen Latifah...? Beautiful!! women.

Don't forget you're a woman - perhaps your womanly-ness is the first thing you could spend time ''meditating'' on.

Ultimately, it's not so much how you look, but how you feel and think! - other people pick up on your self-belief - so make it good! And good self-belief starts like this:

Take yourself for a long walk a few times a week - you don't have to be a GYM bunny, but you can just replace some computer time with a walk and/or that hamburger with a fruit salad every now and then - and like Liane says, drink lots of water - you'll FEEL better. Just like bad feelings feed more bad feelings, good feelings feed more good feelings. AND it's OK to have a bad day.. or two or three!! Square one is always a good place even if you've been there a hundred times!

Be good to yourself. It's not necessarily comfortable at first.  )

Reply to Jeans
Posted by: Liane | 2011/02/07

Yes it is possible to start loving yourself, at least you have identified what needs to be done, you need to start with you.

As far as your appearance goes, start off by doing some moderate exercise and watch what you put in your mouth (people who love themselves care what they eat), also drink loads of water you will be amazed how you feel after a few days.

Spend some time alone, speak to yourself I know this sounds crazy but try it, tell yourself how you would like to be and what you are going to do to change your life for the better. Instead of watching so much tv or reading magazines just be still from time to time, close your eyes and fantasize about how you would like your life to be and how you would like to feel about yourself, but please be realistic… 

There is no secret to feeling beautiful or no quick fix magic potion it takes time and you cant get it from anywhere or anyone else but yourself…  Good Luck

Reply to Liane
Posted by: Black Sister | 2011/02/07

You say- I am black so even that does not help.......... black is beautiful. Shame on you!!!!!!

Reply to Black Sister

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