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Question
Posted by: Sis Rubs!!! | 2010-01-15

I dont like my step sons

Dear Everyone.

I have a serious problem. When i met my Fiance in 2002 he never told me that he has kids let alone an ex wife, i only found in 2005 Dec, when he decided to sit me down and explain.

Anyway, I told him that our relationship is going to change since i was not given the option to prepare myself for the drama. I love hime so much and it was very difficult for me even try and think about leaving him. Well at least he gave me space to think about meeting them (sons)

Two years later i asked him bring them to our home, so that we can get to know one another. It was cool that day since no drama happend, but the little one (7 at the time) told me that i am not allowed to sleep with his daddy wearing a nity i must wear pyjamas, but he said it when my man was not around.

Right now i saw a message on the older one' s facebook (chating to his friends), that i stole their father and they dont like me, actualy they wished me dead coz their mother is struggling financial and i have it all. We now have a nine month old daughter and i feel that this is veryu unfair to her, obviously if they dont like me, how the hell are they going to love their half sister.

I havent told my fiancee about all of this (i feel he is a very busy man and i dont want to trouble him), unless i am wrong. I hate them and i dont want them near my house.

Please advice!!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Worrying that he lied by omission for some years, and took so long before admitting to thse basic facts of his life. Sounds like he wanted you to become more fond of him before finding out these - complications.
Its not at all uncommon for kids in this sort of separation to resent the new woman i their father's life, and to blame her for somehow stealing their father and harming their mother. He should have anticipated such problems and discussed things with them early on - ppresmably he took as long to tell them about you as vice versa.
That he is busy is absolutely no excuse for anything, and you urgently need to tell him about these developments and discuss these together in detail. No body deserves to be anyone's fiance while considering themselves "too busy" for such urgent discusions.
Excellent and wise comments fropm Woman and Liza

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Our users say:
Posted by: Blossom | 2010-01-17

I would suggest counselling for all of you - they need to learn how to live with you in their lives and you need to accept that they were there before you came along. As harsh as it sounds, this is the reality. Children grow up to hate step parents who have not made an effort to get along. Your daughter might need her brothers int he future, nobody knows what the future holds. My stepdad hated me and ill treated me throughout my childhood. His two boys with my mother were left behind at the ages of 14 and 16. Guess who took care of them?? Me the daughter he illtreated!! I didnt take my frustrations out on them, instead I helped them through life, gave them money assisted with education, food etc. WHy?? Because I have kids too. And if I die, and my husband dies and there is no one to help, my stepbrother will gladly assist as they only have good memories of our relationship, THink about the future. Life has an uncanny way of making the" wheel turn" 

Do your best.

Reply to Blossom
Posted by: Liza | 2010-01-16

As Woman has said - you need to sit down with your fiancee and his sons and set boundaries and rules. Your fiancee needs to know that you' re having trouble with his sons otherwise he' s going to find out at a later stage that you don' t like them, but that he doesn' t know how they act towards you when he' s not around. This means he will blame you for the whole situation. You don' t want that to happen.

There might even be another side - perhaps their mother is unconsciously riling them up against you. Children are quite clever you know. They might read a lot between the lines of just a simple remark made by their mom. Since my boys live with their dad and stepmom, I know the ex-wife role quite well. Once I asked my boys where their stepmom works. So they told me that she works at Unisa. I replied that she is lucky cause she can study for free as an employee. What they read between the lines is that even though I also study through Unisa, I have to pay for my studies. This made them feel resentful towards their stepmom. I had to backtrack VERY fast and remind them of all the great things their stepmom do for them and that the situation isn' t unfair, their stepmom just has an advantage in one area, where I have the advantage in that I earn more than she does and can better afford to pay for my own studies. So their father has to have a chat to their mother to have a cordial relationship.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010-01-16

Worrying that he lied by omission for some years, and took so long before admitting to thse basic facts of his life. Sounds like he wanted you to become more fond of him before finding out these - complications.
Its not at all uncommon for kids in this sort of separation to resent the new woman i their father's life, and to blame her for somehow stealing their father and harming their mother. He should have anticipated such problems and discussed things with them early on - ppresmably he took as long to tell them about you as vice versa.
That he is busy is absolutely no excuse for anything, and you urgently need to tell him about these developments and discuss these together in detail. No body deserves to be anyone's fiance while considering themselves "too busy" for such urgent discusions.
Excellent and wise comments fropm Woman and Liza

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Woman | 2010-01-15

You are the grown up, treat the sons with kindness always and with respect. But be firm with how you expect them to treat you. Make it very clear that there will be consequences if they misbehave.

They are children after all and need clear boundaries. They might not understand now, but later, when they' s grown up, your trouble will have been worth it.

Reply to Woman

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