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Question
Posted by: John | 2010/08/12

I don''t know what to do

Hi
I feel a bit stupid to post this as I was always the " strong"  one. I am feeling that I am tumbling down and there is no one to help me. My wife and I are not really connecting anymore since before the birth of our son about 19months ago. Physical contact is non-existant between us, its like sharing a house with a stranger. So I don''t really have someone to talk to and receive comfort from. I have got this constant thought of ending my life, nothing pleases me anymore. the only joy I have is my son, but he likes my wife more so he normally goes to her, I try to be a large part in his life but he just prefers her, I don''t blame him for it. I am not as much fun as she is. I just want some friendship from someone and some physical contact like a hug, or cuddle. If it wasn''t for my son I would have probably long time ago ended my life. How can I get out this slump, I tried to speak to my parents but they cannot help, their advise is not what I want, see a shrink, make friends, speak to your wife. Have seen a shrink a couple of time but nothing seems to change, I cannot make friends, I was never able to socialise to anti-social and my wife and I don''t " klick"  anymore so talking to her is like a stranger. I cannot carry on like this anymore. This was a very long winded piece, sorry for that.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Strong people also have problems. Imdeed, it requires a weakling to fail to recognize and acknowledge the problems they have.
It really sounds as though you have become Depressed, which is a common illness. And one which responds really well to the right treatment. I wonder even whether your wife might also have become depressed, which might explain the sense of being solitary in her company.
I'm sure your son loves you just as much - but kids tend to look more to their mom for cuddling, because she's generally around and availablwe for cuddling, far more than dad.
And this vaires with stage of life - there'll be a time not too long ahead, when a dad, and dad-things, will become far more interesting to him.
I'm sorry to hear your experience of the shrink you visited was disappointing - clearly the wrong shrink for you. Kepp trying - a good shrink should both be able to do a proper assessment of the situation, and if he makes a diagnosis, discuss reasonably ways to treat it, and if not a specific diagnosis, to advise on better ways of dealing with this situation.
A proper therapist / counsellor would be the sort of caring and intelligent person you wisely feel the need to talk with.
And don'\t blame yourself for a problem that appears to have formed within your wife

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: a mom | 2010/08/14

John first of all by writing to CS for help, is your first step to finding help! Perhaps the previous shrink you went to couldn''t help you but that doesn''t mean you are far from being helped. Please contact SADAG www dot sadag dot co za. Call them they will refer you to someone in your area. Try and find someone you can feel some connection with.

It seems your wife is so busy with looking after and taking care of your son, the two of you haven''t had much " private and intimate"  time alone.

Always remember to make " dates"  wife your wife. Try as previously said to get a grandparent or aunt/cousin to babysit and have regular time alone with your wife, where you two can talk, reconnect and have that special time together that you once had.

Think of what attracted you to your wife in the first place. Those feelings may appear to have been lost or gone but they are still there. You may also be going through depression because having a new child in the home is a shock in a way. It changes everything and it will never be the same again as your little baby son will always be dependant on you and your wife as parents. It is overhwelming also to have this responsibility.

Think many couples have a romanticized view of parenthood and they will live happily ever after. In reality it can be a tiring period of lack of sleep, lack of " me"  time, lack of privacy and space.....

No more sleeping late on weekends and only thinking of the two of you.

If you have been thinkinf of ending it all, it most certainly is an indication of depression, which is nothing to be ashamed about.
Remember it can hit anyone. Just like diabetes and heart disease, it can be treated very effectively. You just haven''t found the right doctor or the right medication.

Look after yourself and your baby son most definitely does love you and he deserves a Dad. You are the best Dad he will ever know and love. Please remember that!

Imagine you as a baby and your Dad committing suicide, how would that make you feel when you grow up? You will always feel like it had something to do with you why your Dad chose to end his life.

Surely you do not wish your son to carry this for the rest of his life. HE LOVES YOU, a baby doesn''t reject anyone, he is not capable of it. At different ages and stages the baby goes through periods of being dependent on the person he/she sees the most. THey at times are afraid of strangers too, so don''t take it that your baby doesn''t like you.

This is not the case at all. Rather get yourself some baby and child development books and read about your son''s development and what you cant expect at different ages. You will also be aware of what games to play with him.

You are in for a fun ride with your son.

I know because I am a mom and my son has given us a lot of pleasure and joy to both and husband and I.

Good Luck and let us know how you are doing!

xxx

Reply to a mom
Posted by: Grace | 2010/08/13

Well done for being a man and admitting this. That alone is a wonderful sign. Its tough for you and I am so sorry for what you are going through. But here we are your friends :-) maybe not in the physical form but in the spiritual one which is more strong. Try focusing but I know how powerful a touch can be. I agree with Bob. Keep well and dont end your life. Live it!!!

Reply to Grace
Posted by: rina | 2010/08/13

Aah, this is a really sad situation. Well, here''s a virtual hug for you. And you can make a friend even if you are not much of a social person. Just try and SMILE!

Reply to rina
Posted by: bob | 2010/08/13



When it comes to your son don''t beat yourself up about it and feel he prefers his Mom, at his age it is natural that he will generally go to his Mom, there is always a bigger connection at that age, remember she carried him for 9 months, there is nothing stange about him going to his Mom like you have described, as boys get older and want to do more boy things they spend a lot more time with their Dad''s, so when that happens make sure you are there to play soccer and do boy things with him.
I''m divorced so I won''t advise you on what to do about your relationship with your wife, but remember your son needs you for many things, guidance someone to play with etc there are many things, so regardless of what happens between you and your wife, make sure you are there for your son

Reply to bob
Posted by: John | 2010/08/12

Lerato

She told me bluntly once that she doesn''t feel the same why about me as before, it floored me. we don''t have parent living close by to babysit for us.

Her sex drive is gone but that doesn''t really fase me at this stage I just want friend to give me a hug, anything, even a kiss goodbye or hallo will do for now. I am alone.

Reply to John
Posted by: Lerato | 2010/08/12

I was going through the same thing when my daughter arrived 16 months ago, i felt everything revolves around her and my husband should just be there for my moral support.

He sat with me down and explained the way he feels so we have made an arrangement with both parents (mine and his) that they get to babysit twice a month on weekends so that we can spend some time together.

It is not easy the first time around as i was always talking and thinking about my daughter, but as we got to do it, i learned to relax and forget about motherhood for a while.

Just try it you have nothing to loose, maybe also introduce some sexy clothing or even going to whatch a movie or just spend the afternoon at a restaurant.

It is not too late and that is not reason enough for you to start thinking of taking your life. If both of you still love one another, then you will make it work

Reply to Lerato
Posted by: H | 2010/08/12

Hallo John

It could be that since/because of the birth of your child her hormones has gone haywire, then she will have no desire for sex, and she will not realise it, it is just gone. To be fixed by her Dr/Specialist

Sterkte

Reply to H
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/08/12

Strong people also have problems. Imdeed, it requires a weakling to fail to recognize and acknowledge the problems they have.
It really sounds as though you have become Depressed, which is a common illness. And one which responds really well to the right treatment. I wonder even whether your wife might also have become depressed, which might explain the sense of being solitary in her company.
I'm sure your son loves you just as much - but kids tend to look more to their mom for cuddling, because she's generally around and availablwe for cuddling, far more than dad.
And this vaires with stage of life - there'll be a time not too long ahead, when a dad, and dad-things, will become far more interesting to him.
I'm sorry to hear your experience of the shrink you visited was disappointing - clearly the wrong shrink for you. Kepp trying - a good shrink should both be able to do a proper assessment of the situation, and if he makes a diagnosis, discuss reasonably ways to treat it, and if not a specific diagnosis, to advise on better ways of dealing with this situation.
A proper therapist / counsellor would be the sort of caring and intelligent person you wisely feel the need to talk with.
And don'\t blame yourself for a problem that appears to have formed within your wife

Reply to cybershrink

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