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Question
Posted by: KKK | 2012/09/26

I COULD HAVE USED HER SUPPORT

My cousin past away recently and my family has been through the hard of times. I was very close to him up until he passed on, he suffered from tb and we all were under the impression he was getting healed. He joined my family when he was 8 years old so he is practically my brother.

I assisted a lot with the funeral arrangements as I was the one closer to where he passed and also had a decent car so i was heavily involved in the funeral arrangements. the day before the funeral, most of my family members came to the funeral and were to sleep over....the idea was that we will have an old night prayer and bury him in the morning but the church choir did not pitch so the service ended early that left us with accommodation problems as we did not have enough space to accommodate all the family members.

I asked my fiance who owns a house 2 kilometers away to accommodate my sister for just 2 hours and she tells me that I did not make prior arrangements. At first, when we discussed the issue of accommodation, she mentioned that she does not have clean blankets for visitors which was true cause shew washed the blankets yesterday.

I am somewhat bothered by the fact that she could not accommodate my sister for 2 hours because i did not make special arrangements. Her argument is that she did not buy anything to give to the family. This breaks my spirit because this is the woman i have paid lobola (half) for. And for my family to sleep in cars when she could have helped troubles my soul greatly.

After the funeral, i called to express my dissatisfaction with her lack of support during the funeral, and she started complaining about how i was so focused on other people other than her. It pains me that at a time like this she would think of herself. After while, she called and apologised but this has sort of broken something inside me. I am close to my family and they have been there for me through the most difficult times in my life. I lover her greatly but I am very unhappy about how she handled this issue. I am trying to get over it but it is very hard for me to be happy around her right now. Is like i saw the side of her i wished she did not have. Or i am just overeacting I am known for doing that sometimes

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Indeed, it does sound ungracious of her. Maybe she was more embarrassed at not having enough to offer guests, than you realized ? Above all, she disappointed you at a time when you were vulnerable and coping with a difficult and complex situation, and needed fairly simple help.
You may be over-reacting just slightly, but its entirely understandable that you feel disappointed and let down. Give ita little time, then set aside some calm time to sit with her and talk through this, emphasizing how you feel about the whole event, rather than just comp,aining about her unhelpfulness.

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Our users say:
Posted by: SK | 2012/09/27

In the great words of Maya Angelou when someone shows you who they are the first time believe them. I think the fact that she could not comprimise for a few hours is a serious issue which means going forward you must know that this is her flaws, she lacks empathy. When you are in a relationship I would like to believe that the one person you can count one as your pillar is your partner.

As Maria said above ''in general"  this was a once off thing the funeral comes once and if you believe that you have been paying enough attention and support but was not available that week when preparing the funeral then you have a serious problem. It will then mean your partner is a taker and not comfortable with the giving part.

Reply to SK
Posted by: Maria | 2012/09/27

I don''t think you''re overreacting in this case, you lost someone very close to you and can reasonably expect your fiance to provide emotional and physical support.

You do however also need to seriously think about whether or not you pay enough attention to her. A life partner should be your main focus, other family should not have higher priority in general.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/09/27

Indeed, it does sound ungracious of her. Maybe she was more embarrassed at not having enough to offer guests, than you realized ? Above all, she disappointed you at a time when you were vulnerable and coping with a difficult and complex situation, and needed fairly simple help.
You may be over-reacting just slightly, but its entirely understandable that you feel disappointed and let down. Give ita little time, then set aside some calm time to sit with her and talk through this, emphasizing how you feel about the whole event, rather than just comp,aining about her unhelpfulness.

Reply to cybershrink

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