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Posted by: Bad Dad | 2010/04/05

I caught my 16 year old daughter in bed with my best friend

I caught my 16 year old daughter in bed with my best friend. He is 43. What can I do. She tells me she is in love with him and likes sex with older men. Am I a bad father?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

How you handle this will show more about how good a father you are, that what she has been doing. And that you ae concerned and open to blaming yourself is not the behaviour of a bad father.
Clearly he is no friend of yours, or of hers. Depending on when this started, he could be guilty of statutory rape, as below the age of consent the law assumes a youngster can't give valid consent. But you'd need a proper legal opinion on that and other aspects of this situation.
At 16, kids fall "in love" dangerously easily, whether with a pop idol vicariously, or with the grubby old man next door. I'd be more worried about her statement that she"like sex with older men " which suggests that she has been having sex for some time, and presumably with other"old men" in order to form such an opinion. A psychologist with experience with teenagers could usefully chat with her and clarify what has been going on, and how this has actually been affecting her.
You don't mention your wife, the girl's mother - is she absent ( which could be relevant ) or involved ? And is the man married ? ( in which case his wife may need to be informed ).
What do other readers think ?

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16
Our users say:
Posted by: Bev | 2010/04/28

I am sorry to say this but he is NO friend!!!! As for your daughter I am not sure how you raised her but she has a mouth she could have said no... sounds like a slag to me....!

Reply to Bev
Posted by: grace | 2010/04/20

It is called statutory rape.Shes a minor.Your friend must go to jail.Today.and your daughter must see a social worker, and be made aware of how sexual preditors operate.

Reply to grace
Posted by: Tebogo | 2010/04/19

Sjoe, i wud freak period. Shame him and tell his wife what the dog has been up to. At 16 i was playing video games. Sex never crossed my mind. NO YOU ARE A GOOD FATHER WHO HAPPENS TO HAVE AN IMMORAL DAUGHTER AND FRIEND. You have done nothing wrong in this matter. It kind of reminds me of Ivan Khoza''s friend.

Reply to Tebogo
Posted by: Kenneth | 2010/04/17

A dad is a role, given to you as a gift.
Your role is to protect guide and shape this young person to function and flourish in this world.
Girls are very special, and most 43 year olds would like to " know"  a 16 year old, because of plain lust. Not because of decency or honour, no some 43 year olds like to push their luck and damage people and their households. As a dad, you know this is wrong you need to tell your daughter, why this is wrong and help her and love her and hold her, dont condemn yourself or her see this as an opportunity to have a more mature relationship with her, and to be her ally in life, please do not become another sad victim of life.
Be strong here, Pray, you will be heard.

Reply to Kenneth
Posted by: piccachooo | 2010/04/17

I really dont understand why some of us cant keep quite if they have nothing better to say,how do you call a 16yr old a woman? or do you also go around sleeping with 16yr olds and reffer to them as " women" ?
we have a concerned father here and all you can do is talk about how horny women can get,its a shame

Reply to piccachooo
Posted by: Vrye Denker | 2010/04/12

Did you cut off his penis and feed it to him?

Reply to Vrye Denker
Posted by: will mvubu | 2010/04/12

the is no explaination to this, the guy is clearly not your friend, this is totally unacceptable

Reply to will mvubu
Posted by: Woman | 2010/04/07

Dad, yes, you are right. However, we are talking about a child here, not a woman. At 16, she is a LONG way from woman hood.

The fact that you say things like this makes me worry for your own children. Do you perhaps see your own daughter as a woman???

Reply to Woman
Posted by: dad | 2010/04/07

Why do the men alwayd get the blame. Woman get horny too. More than men

Reply to dad
Posted by: a father | 2010/04/06

As men we know right from wrong and we chose between the two. There is no form of justification this guy can give for what he has done, regardless of the fact that your daughter is 16 and supposedly is of age to decide herself, as men we know we don''t do this with a 16 year old period!! and especially not when we are 43. This guy must have no further contact with you or your daughter.
You need to somehow work through this with your daughter without destroying your relationship, she always be your daughter and family are the most important in our lives, don''t lash out in anger, work through this as a father that cares and loves his child

Reply to a father
Posted by: Woman | 2010/04/06

I understand the anger with your friend. It''s not acceptable. You did not say whether your daughter is " late" 16 or early 16. Chances are that this has been going on for a while and then you can have your " friend"  arrested for rape.

What is most important though, is to have your child assessed by a qualified professional ASAP. I don''t really know if there is a correlation, but every single one of my friends who are involved with much older men, were molested during their childhood/ teen years by older men. So her saying she enjoys sex with older men is a red light!

It is important to sort out any problems now, while she is young, else you''ll be having problems for a long time to come. Good luck to your family.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: Purple | 2010/04/06

With such an age difference there is definitely an element of manipulation on the older mans part.
No matter how much your daughter thinks she is in love with him, with all the life experience he has at his age compared to her age, it will be quite easy for him to manipulate her.

What a horrible thing to happen. I''d send her to see a psychologist and I''d cut him out of my life.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: Al | 2010/04/06

Ek hoop jy het die " vriend"  uit die huis geslaan. Jou dogter moet eerste kom. As die man rondslaap, kan hy jou dogter siektes gee, of dalk swanger maak?? Nee, dis onaanvaarbaar! Dalk het hy haar verkrag en beskerm sy hom net omdat sy bang is??

Reply to Al
Posted by: Tharina Kruger | 2010/04/05

I would love to know what the " friend"  said about this??!!

Reply to Tharina Kruger
Posted by: B | 2010/04/05

NO!!!!

Reply to B
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/04/05

How you handle this will show more about how good a father you are, that what she has been doing. And that you ae concerned and open to blaming yourself is not the behaviour of a bad father.
Clearly he is no friend of yours, or of hers. Depending on when this started, he could be guilty of statutory rape, as below the age of consent the law assumes a youngster can't give valid consent. But you'd need a proper legal opinion on that and other aspects of this situation.
At 16, kids fall "in love" dangerously easily, whether with a pop idol vicariously, or with the grubby old man next door. I'd be more worried about her statement that she"like sex with older men " which suggests that she has been having sex for some time, and presumably with other"old men" in order to form such an opinion. A psychologist with experience with teenagers could usefully chat with her and clarify what has been going on, and how this has actually been affecting her.
You don't mention your wife, the girl's mother - is she absent ( which could be relevant ) or involved ? And is the man married ? ( in which case his wife may need to be informed ).
What do other readers think ?

Reply to cybershrink

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