Our expert says:
Above all, forgive yourself for having sincerely tried to figure out the best thing to do. Whatever you decide in such situations, it's easy to later worry that the OTHER alternatives would have been better. Because they were not taken, you can never know whether or not they may have been better or possibly much worse, than what actually happened.
She could, presumably, have put similar time and energy into tracing you, and with the knowledge she had, it might have been easier for her to do so. It appears that she chose not to try. Maybe she worried that it would be unpleasant for you - maybe she felt guilty at what had happened in the past, and assumed that you would not want to see her. That's almost certainly unknowable now.
Surely one thing is clear, she would absolutely NOT want you to be basting yourself in guilt and regrets, or harming yourself, or thinking of suicide.
One hopes that she managed to forgive herself ( for in trying to harm an infant, she had something definite she once did, which understandably could lead to guilt and a need to feel forgiven. Had she felt a real need for you to confirm that you had forgiven her, she could have tried harder to find and contact you.
YOu seem to be feeling guilt almost as a reflex, - because you actually did absolutely NOTHING wrong. Your reactions and thoughts were normal, and well-intentioned, and your decisions sensible and justifiable.
The detailed work o forgiving yourself and movin on is something best dealt with in working with an experienced counsellor / psychotherapist.
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