Our expert says:
I understand that this is how you feel, but you would NOT be better off dead, and nobody else would be better off if you were, either. I ver much doubt that ANYONE else thinks you are as awful as you seem to have convinced yourself. And you're also cheating yourself, comparing the inner you which only you know ( and which you are looking at with extreme negative bias ) with the outer view of other people, when they are hiding all their faults and fears, and trying to look good on their outside.
People may pay little attention to you nowadays, because they sense your dislike for yourself ; if in therapy you discovered the better aspects of yourself, so could they. This is a very remediable situation, with the right therapy. OK, false accusations against your dad were not a great idea, but in someone so young and distressed at his abuse of your mother, i might have been a tactic born of desperation --- and now, years later and after his death, marinating in guilt about it helps nobody. Learn from the experience and move on.
Many teenagers experience such feelings of desolation, regret, and guilt, usually, as in your own situation, feelings far in excess of what would actually be fair to themselves.
You did NOT cause your dad to drink himself to death. He was an adult, apparently an abuser and heavy drinker, and made his own decisions. You had reasons to dislike him and feel anger towards him, but he made his own decisions ; you did not control him or his fate.
Stop spending your time thinking about ways to harm and punish yourself. Think rather about ways of getting into therapy, whether privately ( depending on what your family can afford ) or through a state hospital or medical School. This situation can be sorted out with the right sort of expert help. You deserve help, and when you have sorted this out, you can make up for anything you think you may have done wrong, rather by doing good to others ( once you're strong enough to be useful to others ) rather than by uselessly punishing yourself.
Keep in contact on the forum and let us know how you can make things progress from here on.
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