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Question
Posted by: KKK | 2012/09/02

I AM WORRIED ABOUT MY FIANCEE

I have send numerus posts about my relationship with my fiancee and the problems I have had. But this time I am posting on her behalf. We had a fall out recently about going to the mall. My brother visited me and I was meeting with her as well that weekend, and she suggested we go the mall and I agreed. Problem was that I was going to the same mall with my brother the same weekend so I suggested we go together she said, it was her idea and she wants us to go alone.

She and my brother get along well, and i did not get the reasoning behind this. but my biggest problem is that she is now severely depressed, sometimes because of me, sometimes because of her family. She cannot seem to get along with anyne close to her. She is currently staying with her brother and sister. Brother is looking for a job and sister has volunteered for academic purposes. I think she is doing a very noble thing. The problem is that she is not treating them okay and expect them to be overly grateful and perform all sorts of odd jobs. Overall, they are feeling mistreated and would wish to be as far from her as possible but cannot due to economic reasons.

She is fighting with her mother, who also has episodes at times. very demanding and does not appreciate her hard work enough. So they constantly fight, the older sister also fights with her on regular basis. She hold unpopular views and is very controtational in a way that forces everyone to fight back. I have in numerous occasssions seen her due things that would cause fights and tried to stop her she seems oblivious to this and proceed anyway. Later on she gets fight and become angry for the whole year. At the moment she has fought with her stay in brother who has told her to piss off. She is feeling very down, hopeless and useless. I am afraid she is suicidal and that anything can push her of the cliff. I have had my fair share of fights with her either and the only way for me to avoid the fights is to keep away sometimes, which also creates fights at times. For examplem the last time, we had sex, her hair got damaged, not on purpose like i was pulling. She keeps reminding me of that. This gets to me somewhat as I feel responsible. She made me touch the part that is damaged and when I asked why, she says just showing you.

I know my fiancee is a lot of work and quite franky, I am also exhausted from trying to avoid fights but I LOVE HER AND I AM CONCERNED. SHE WROTE TO ME today telling about how everybody hates her and how down she was feeling. These are all things I know to be true too but I am not able to offer support as her parner. She is very down and I am afraid one of these days she will hurt herself. I love her and I do not want to loose her. I wish there was a way i could fix her view f the world. Sometimes, i feel like she lives like everybode owes her something mainly due to what she has been through. She is very hard on people mainly family and I wish she could just relaX>  i have reached apont where i dont know how to support her anymore. Most of the time, I dont agree with her views and that also creates problems as well.I am worried about her and I wish there is something I can do. Sorry for the long post.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maria's right. Severe depression should never be taken lightly, and needs a propoer assessment and treatment from a psychiatrist in the first place, possibly with some additional assistance from a psychologist offering CBT style counselling, as he interpersonal difficulties won't respond to only medicinal therapy.
It is worrying if she persistently sees her "depression as due to you or her family, or anything other than herself, as on e must take personal responsibility for one's own state and what one does about it, rather than blaming others for everything.
People who are so high maintenance need to learn how to be self-maintaining, rather than expecting their partner to accept their excessive demands for attention and special treatment.
Its unlikely that 'everybody hates her" as she claims - there are probably loads of folks in Uzhbhekistan who haven't decided yet. But if many people do indeed dislike her, then she needs, in therapy, to face the fact that this must be at least in significant part due to the way she behaves towards others.
Rewad up on line about Tough love, and how to be sympathetically tough, to press her towards getting into proper expert psychotherapy, to unlearn her bad habits, to take personal responsibility for her choice of behaviours and their likely consequences, and to revise her way of life so as to make it much more enjoyable for herself and others.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2012/09/03

It really sounds as if she needs professional help. Encourage her to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. You may have to apply very tough love... tell her you love her very much but cannot live like this - she either sees someone or you break off the engagement. A friend of mine''s husband did this and it was the biggest favour he ever did her. Make the appointment yourself and go with her unless she really doesn''t want you to. Good luck.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/09/03

Maria's right. Severe depression should never be taken lightly, and needs a propoer assessment and treatment from a psychiatrist in the first place, possibly with some additional assistance from a psychologist offering CBT style counselling, as he interpersonal difficulties won't respond to only medicinal therapy.
It is worrying if she persistently sees her "depression as due to you or her family, or anything other than herself, as on e must take personal responsibility for one's own state and what one does about it, rather than blaming others for everything.
People who are so high maintenance need to learn how to be self-maintaining, rather than expecting their partner to accept their excessive demands for attention and special treatment.
Its unlikely that 'everybody hates her" as she claims - there are probably loads of folks in Uzhbhekistan who haven't decided yet. But if many people do indeed dislike her, then she needs, in therapy, to face the fact that this must be at least in significant part due to the way she behaves towards others.
Rewad up on line about Tough love, and how to be sympathetically tough, to press her towards getting into proper expert psychotherapy, to unlearn her bad habits, to take personal responsibility for her choice of behaviours and their likely consequences, and to revise her way of life so as to make it much more enjoyable for herself and others.

Reply to cybershrink

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