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Question
Posted by: Mother Stepmother Wife | 2011/05/16

I am the problem

When people upset me I stop talking to them. Maybe because I don''t know how to handle it and I don''t like confrontation. I go out of my way to help others and to try and be kind. I have had a hard life. I have always had to fend for myself. There is no one in this whole wide world that will help me should I need help. I am independent not because I have chosen to be but because of my life.

I found lately that I no longer talk to any of my husband''s siblings.
I found lately that I no longer talk to any of my husband''s parents.
I found lately that I no longer talk to my bosses wife.
I found lately that I no longer talk to a co-worker.
I found lately that I no longer talk to a couple of my husbands friends.
I found lately that due to the hurt experienced mothers day (the final straw) by his kids from his previous marriage that I no longer talk to them either. As I said to them you have hurt me for the last time. I withdraw.
My boss just walked in telling me to phone the IT company and I remembered I don''t talk to the one guy either.

I could go into the validity of me being upset or deeply hurt but I don''t think that''s necessary.

Obviously I am the problem or I don''t know how to handle conflict but also I do not need anybody in my life for anything. I can quite well help myself or do for myself what I need. I will not ask anybody for anything either so the can all just go and screw themselves. Okay this is how I usually think so I guess I am the problem.

Where do I start, how do I fix this? But honestly there are good reasons for example the one sibling arranged with the one child to slip out the house at the age of 12 to go somewhere we said she could not go and when I found out and telephoned her she dismissed me and said she''ll talk to her brother. The brother, my husband, is not a fighter or a stand up for anyone. He will not discuss these things. He will not fight. He will not confront. When we fight we do not talk to each other for weeks until it just blows over.

But sorry, that''s another discussion.

Thank you very much.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Counselling could really help- - to learn better ways of handling conflict, as there are ways to be assertive ( standing up for yourself ) without being confrontational.
Communicationally, you sound like the guy painting the kitchen floor, who painted all around him in different directions, then found he had painted himself into a corner, surrounded by wet paint, and with nowhere to go. Similarly, by declaring that so many people are on your list of "people I won't talk to " it is YOUR freedom you are curtailing, not theirs.
In the recent example you quote, talking to ANYONE in the course of your business, is not about opening yourself to injury, or expecting to be deeply hurt, or compromising some deep and holy principle. It's work. And it's not about whether or not you are independent versus asking for help - it's about doing the job, and not making every human contact a point of vulnerability or some major examination of your own worth.
Do, do see a counsellor to explore the much better ways that exist for you to cope with these unhelpful habits of thought and automatic assumptions about other people, which are so unnecessarily limiting your access to peaceful contracts and even simple happiness. It does not need to be this way

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: Truth | 2011/05/16

Why not get a job in a call centre?
In my experience they are manned by people who hate speaking to anyone!

Reply to Truth
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/05/16

Counselling could really help- - to learn better ways of handling conflict, as there are ways to be assertive ( standing up for yourself ) without being confrontational.
Communicationally, you sound like the guy painting the kitchen floor, who painted all around him in different directions, then found he had painted himself into a corner, surrounded by wet paint, and with nowhere to go. Similarly, by declaring that so many people are on your list of "people I won't talk to " it is YOUR freedom you are curtailing, not theirs.
In the recent example you quote, talking to ANYONE in the course of your business, is not about opening yourself to injury, or expecting to be deeply hurt, or compromising some deep and holy principle. It's work. And it's not about whether or not you are independent versus asking for help - it's about doing the job, and not making every human contact a point of vulnerability or some major examination of your own worth.
Do, do see a counsellor to explore the much better ways that exist for you to cope with these unhelpful habits of thought and automatic assumptions about other people, which are so unnecessarily limiting your access to peaceful contracts and even simple happiness. It does not need to be this way

Reply to cybershrink

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