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Question
Posted by: crazie | 2008/10/22

I AM SO MAD AT MY DAD

i am a little confused, sht. last week i purposefully forgot my father' s birthday...

and he phoned me to complain about it.the thing is i am mad at him...i had recently been told he has a 20 something year old daughter that i never knew about, he did not tell me nada..2001 he goes out to have another affair blame it on my mother..i was bloody confused and i supported him i just did not believe that it would be him. as i grew older i felt guilty for sort of taking his side during the whole saga...oh by the way he impregnanted the new gf as well. so he has about two other kids outside his marriage.

I actually learnt to ignore that and said well tha is his business- lately i am told he is sleeping out again with the mother of his second wife..after all the he put my mother through.

And i feel for my mom, especially because she is not getting any younger and so does he but he goes out to find something new..i wonder what it makes my mother feels like...i am a little older now - I AM 27 and i should actaully leave it alone and say he is my dad and wadawada about being african BUT I AM JUST SO MAD AT HIM AND HE HAS NO IDEA.

I took an oath that i would never do that to my wife but his days i am so bloody paranoid and freaking terrified that what if my wife does it to me?

Like i said i am so confused,

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You deliberately ignored the birthday, rather than forgot it. Anyhow, your dad sounds like a selfish and irresponsible man, who hardly deserves to expect fond birthday good wishes. Don't you think i's a bit insulting to Africans when people suggest your should ignore such wildly irresponsible and careless ( and uncaring ) behaviour by saying "it's African" --- that was not part of the traditions of any African group or peoples.
If in your confusion you're having some troubles in your own marriage, wouldn't marriage counselling, sooner rather than later, be wise ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: TRQ | 2008/10/23

Crazie,

I can totally relate.
And with ' Me'  too.

Like both of you I' m also 27.
The only differences are that I am female (unlike Crazie), and I' m African (unlike ' Me' )

My issues with my father started a long time ago because he was (still is) an alcoholic and used to physically/verbally/mentally abuse mother &  I. My mother remained with him because, although she' s has always worked, she was not financially able to take care of herself and me. She felt that staying with my father was the only way to ensure that I got access to all the necesseties like a good education etc.
I guess growing up I was oblivious to the complete picture of just how much he used to hurt my mother. I just knew what I saw, which was the physical &  verbal abuse.
It turns out that extra-marital affairs were the order of the day for him.
Reality only hit me when one day, I was 16, and my mother had gone to a funeral of one of my dad' s relatives (he chose to stay behind and drink himself to a stupor as usual, he stayed out late that night and I hardly heard him come in because I was already asleep).I woke up in the morning and heard two voices coming from my parent' s bedroom. I knew that couldn' t possibly be my mom (the funeral was in the Northern Cape, we live in Jhb), so I knocked on the door to enquire. It turns out my dad had brought home some floosie he picked God-knows-where, brought her into our home, and into the bed that he shares with my mother! All this while his daughter (me) was alseep under the same roof!!! To say I was shocked would be putting it mildly. That situation ended with me chasing her out of our home, my dad protecting her (trying to rush her to the car ASAP), all of us shouting at the top of our voices, waking up neighbours etc.
When my mom found out she was oblviously hurt (I was fuming, ready to pack our bags), and she decided to tell me about everything else. It turns out my dad had been dating anybody and everybody - a lady who lived in our street, another one that he worked with. I was disgusted. I' ve never looked at my dad the same since, whatever little respect I had for him went out of the window.
To this day my parents are still together. My mom has resigned herself to spending the rest of her life with this man whose has shown her so much disrespect.
I' ve since moved out to live on my own. My mom continues to tell me about his occasioanl drunken tirades, but she doesn' t say anything else about the infidelity. Over the years all of it has just been swept under the rug and the two of them continue living as if nothing ever went wrong. I' m not comfortable about it, but I' ve decided to continue with my own life and leave the hurt behind.

Crazie, I don' t know if my story will help you at all, but I guess I just hope that you will realise that there are a lot more people out there who have/are continuing to experience what you are going through. It' s never easy when parents let us down, but they continue to do it nonetheless.

And ' Me' , you be strong too.

Reply to TRQ
Posted by: Vegan | 2008/10/22

Hey Crazie

You sound like a good guy...like someone who is trying to be fair. I can imagine how disappointed you feel in your father. Mwila is right - perhaps you should have a heart-to-heart with him and tell him that his actions are even affecting the way you feel about your marriage. If he is not willing to accept accountability for the way he' s made your mother feel, then maybe u need some emotional distance from him for a while?

Reply to Vegan
Posted by: me | 2008/10/22

hi there, for a moment there, i thought i posted this, cos im also 27yrs, also with a dad who celebrated his birthday earlier this month, whom i forgot to wish, and who is also having an affair, with a black lady, and he is coloured. all this after 33yrs of marriage with my mother, he left and went to stay with the gf, and they have two kids together. but still not divorced with my mother, so see you are not alone, STRONGS!!!!!!!!1

Reply to me
Posted by: Mwila | 2008/10/22

It' s understandable how you feel and have every right to be angry with him. Your father doesn' t respect your mother and the entire family, so you don' t have to be guilty about forgetting his birthday. He deserves to be ignored, forgotten.

Have you told him how you feel? Do you still stay at home? Have you found out how your mother feels and have you tried to be there for her?

Your mother is hurting and needs to know that you support her. No woman deserves to be treated that way. Perhaps she should kick him out of the house and divorce him

The whole " african man"  thing is bullshit, respect is respect. And don' t worry about your future relationship, when you meet the right girl, she' ll only want to be with you.

Reply to Mwila
Posted by: crazie | 2008/10/22

the second paragrapth read with the mother of his second child

Reply to crazie

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