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Question
Posted by: Shoes | 2011-10-14

I am seething

Hi CS,

I am seething at the moment. My outlaws keep abusing me and I keep letting it happen. They lived in a house that my hub and bought and paid for, for 8 years. We supported 2 households for that time and this month decided enough is enough and we forced them out and we moved into our own house. We had to help them move out. We asked them to pay the driver and assistant and give them food. We provided the vehicle and fuel. They did not pay anything and did not give any food.....

We took over their water and telephone accounts and they did not pay for September, so now we sit with a R2000 bill....... Today the mother out law phoned and asked if I could help her with the transfer of her 2nd telephone line. I reluctantly agreed and waited 40mins for Telkom, who did not answer. She said her other land line was out of order and she can''t spend that much time on her cellphone, so could I please do it. So I phoned the other landline, and guess what? It was working..........

I am seeing red. My hub says I must just give an excuse not to help them again. Something like ''the account holder must phone''. Eish, I find it hard to say no sometimes......

Any tips?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Outlaws ? Or Inlaws ? There;s no reason why these leeches should have been allowed to live at your expense for so long, and they need to be told the gravy train has stopped, and its time for them to get off. Why are they so unable to pay for themselves ? Let them get work.
Stop paying anything for them - why should you pay their telephone accounts ? Who do they need to call at your expense ? R 2000 is an AWFUL lot of phone calls - what on earth are they doing ? They should talk directly wioth the phone company and make an arrangement to pay off THEIR debts, not you, and maybe they can arrange to remain connected just for emergency calls - police, fire-brigade and ambulance. Gossipping they can't aford.
And goog grief - why on earth does this old chatterbox need TWO lines AND a cellphone ? Who wants to hear from her and what on earth does she natter about ?
JUST SAY NO. NO excises are needed or helpful. Tell her she has no need whatsoever to chatter sop much on the phone, and if she can't afford to pay for it, she should remain silent. Tell her clearly neither of you will from here on pay ANYTHING WHATEVER for them, so they had better start working to cover their own expenses, and living within their means.
And do see a counsellor to learn how to say NO, not once a decade, but every time someone tries to expliot you as those two chameless people have done

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4
Our users say:
Posted by: L | 2011-10-15

Inlaws will always want and want and want. And if you stop doing things for them, they will badmouth you like you are the scum of the earth. I gave up years ago trying to please mine. When I have extra money at the time they ask for help, I will give. However I dont go out of my way anymore since they dont really appreciate it, just want to sponge. I know another family who dont work, and live in the house that their son borrowed to them. The son is having so many problems with them, they dont want to move and have no income, food or money or cars. The sons wife is fed up and wants a divorce. If you feed the habit they will never kick the habit. Stop helping let them get on their own feet.

Reply to L
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011-10-15

Outlaws ? Or Inlaws ? There;s no reason why these leeches should have been allowed to live at your expense for so long, and they need to be told the gravy train has stopped, and its time for them to get off. Why are they so unable to pay for themselves ? Let them get work.
Stop paying anything for them - why should you pay their telephone accounts ? Who do they need to call at your expense ? R 2000 is an AWFUL lot of phone calls - what on earth are they doing ? They should talk directly wioth the phone company and make an arrangement to pay off THEIR debts, not you, and maybe they can arrange to remain connected just for emergency calls - police, fire-brigade and ambulance. Gossipping they can't aford.
And goog grief - why on earth does this old chatterbox need TWO lines AND a cellphone ? Who wants to hear from her and what on earth does she natter about ?
JUST SAY NO. NO excises are needed or helpful. Tell her she has no need whatsoever to chatter sop much on the phone, and if she can't afford to pay for it, she should remain silent. Tell her clearly neither of you will from here on pay ANYTHING WHATEVER for them, so they had better start working to cover their own expenses, and living within their means.
And do see a counsellor to learn how to say NO, not once a decade, but every time someone tries to expliot you as those two chameless people have done

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: Obvious | 2011-10-14

Well if you do not learn to say no this will continue to happen.......
Perhaps therapy is needed to obtain the strength to do so.....

Reply to Obvious
Posted by: qwerty | 2011-10-14

In this specific case, if the other land line was working, when she picked up you could say, " Oh, great! Your line is working again! I guess you''ll be able to phone Telkom after all." 

For the rest... Just say you''re terrible sorry, but you are currently so busy that you don''t even have time to have lunch... And keep being busy.

Reply to qwerty

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