Posted by: Tam | 2008-11-08

I am no longer aroused by my partner

At what point does one know that you are no longer sexually attracted to your partner, and there is no return? I do not get aroused by my partner anymore, and find myself needing to drink alcohol to want sex. I have tried spicing it up like most people suggest, but still dont seem to be interested. This has been a pattern in my relationships for some time now, usually occuring approximately 6 months into the relationship. Do i work on it, or do I move on? - Female in twenties

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

It is difficult to destinguish the difference between no longer being attracted to someone (i.e. they don't suit you in general, not just in sexual terms/feelings) and still really liking the person but finding that your libido has diminished (i.e. you find it more difficult to become aroused because your desire is reduced). It is quite common that in the beginning of relationship women may have a greater interest in sex and possibly be less inhibited in sex than her 'default' position would be. This is due to chemicals in the brain which are released in the beginning of a relationship - amongst other things they result in slightly higher testosterone levels in women which may account for higher sex drive. Unfortunately due to a cruel trick of nature these changes are temporary and after a while (between 6months - 4 years) she returns to a more 'normal level'.

I am concerned that you have to drink alcohol to want sex - something is going on and it sounds like you really need to try to figure out what it is...are you losing interest in him as a person, or are you struggling with reduced desire...?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: RP | 2008-11-11

Its in the mind Tam. My wife and I drifted after many years together, I had an affair, and got over it and back with my wife, and it was like a new romance and especially sex all over again! It takes work I am afraid. You got to explore different things, toys, videos, dressing up, whatever it takes. Your reduced desire for him is YOU, not him. The chemistry was there once, it CAN be recreated, but it takes work. Sure its easy to go look for it somewhere else now, but come 55 years old you will be lonely and still flitting from relationship to relationship. Is that what you want? You cant run away from yourself...

Reply to RP
Posted by: Tam | 2008-11-11

I do still love him as a person, but am clearly struggling with reduced desire....for him. If you were to put me with a stranger now, i would have all the desire in the world. I' m not sure what to do or how to address the situation, as he is starting to feel inadequate due to me not wanting to have sex with him, ehich then makes me even less physically interested in him because his self-esteem gets knocked down by me, and the appeal diminishes. I want to sort it out, becasue i cant keep breaking up with men after a few months for the rest of my life! THe ideal would be to remain in a relationhsip with him, and have sexual affairs with other people, but i know that would be unfair to him.

Reply to Tam
Posted by: RP | 2008-11-11

I would suggest that you are looking at sex from the wrong angle so to speak ) Meaningful sex should be ' connecting'  sex. Should be driven from connecting with your partner rather than just looking for quick turn-on and intercourse. When that ' connecting thing'  becomes your turn-on, well, you have arrived!
Thats not to rule out a quicky from time to time, but its got to start from the heart and build from there, if you want it to last...
Not bad from a guy huh!
Use it, dont use it )

Reply to RP
Posted by: nir | 2008-11-10


Like the doc mentioned, you would have to identify the problem in that is it the entire relationship or just the sex. For both, you will have to talk to him about it. Communication is very important and be plain, simply and fair. If it sex, talk and you may be able to make a decision but if it' s the relationship, then it' s much more serious and that would mean you will have to serious decisions and talks about it but let it not break your friendship.

If you are not married it will be much easier and then you will be able to move on, but don' t get into any relationship that is meterialistic. Let it be something that you feel from within and not what you think. It' s the feeling and make a good foundation to an everlasting frienship that later can develop and unite yourselves to true love.

Best of Luck and God Bless.

Reply to nir

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.