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Question
Posted by: Stacey | 2012/06/05

I am horrible!!!

Hi Doc,

My hubby &  I are both in the same profession, having met at university. I have been working longer than him and recently applied for accreditation but was refused, citing my lack of experience. Now hubby has applied and has received full accreditation and I am so envious. I feel as if everything in my life is a struggle yet for him things happen so easily! I have dreamt of this accreditation since graduating and I am totally devasted esp since I was the one who encouraged hubby to apply.

I always feel like I am the underdog, the one people expect to trample on. It''s as if I am not important.......

I know i am a horrible wife for feeling this way. I''ve worked harder than my hubby at my job.

I just need to vent as I have no-one to talk to about this. As I type this I cant control the tears.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

There are of course advantages and disadvantages to spouses sharing the same profession. Sounds though like this situation is less an invitation to envy, as to ponder why there appears to have been discrimination. It doesn't sound as though he himself has in any way disadvantaged you, but that there's something odd in the accreditation process - is there something in the small print you overlooked ? Or maybe sexism on the part of the accreditors ?
I don't know which profession you're speaking of, but I think the law should REQUIRE any such board to disclose to any unsuccessful candidate the grouds for their problem and how they can correct it.
As Maria suggests, counselling could also help, to understand better this larger issue of feeling like an underdog not entitled to an opinion - there could probably be better ways you could deal with such situations to represent yourself more successfully.
Are your in-laws genuinely "shoving this in your face" ( highly uncivilized behaviour if so ) or is this also a reflection of this broader concern of yours . Its natural and splendid for them to congratulate him - surely not something they're doing simply to make you feel bad ?
And I'm concerned that your approach to this ( such as not discussing it with your husband or your own family ) is condemning you to face this all on your own).

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Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2012/06/05

You sound depressed to me, I would strongly suggest that you get evaluated by a psychologist or psychiatrist. Hubby''s family congratulating him is only normal and not an insult to you. You are obviously putting in a lot of effort but perhaps not focusing on the right things? There is no shame in asking for help.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Stacey | 2012/06/05

Thank you for your advise Maria.

Yes, being the underdog is related to all aspects of my life.......it is always expected that I should not complain or have an opinon.

I have been working towards accreditation for a long while. My hubby''s family are all congratulating him - its as if I now have to hang my head in shame, even though I''ve worked so hard, spent numerous nights at work. It feels like my in laws are deliberatly shoving this in my face. I cant talk to my family or friends as I have not told them about accreditation.......I am such a disappointment.

Reply to Stacey
Posted by: Maria | 2012/06/05

I hear your disappointment at not getting the accreditation, and I think that feeling jealous of hubby at this point is quite normal. However, just think of this as a temporary setback. Ask the accreditation board what you need to do to stand a better chance next time. Try again.

Is this feeling of being the underdog mostly related to your job, or is it more general? Have you always felt this way or has your emotional world changed in the recent past? I think you would benefit a lot from seeing a counsellor for a couple of sessions to help you get past this disappointment, work on being assertive, and help you plan your next move.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/06/05

There are of course advantages and disadvantages to spouses sharing the same profession. Sounds though like this situation is less an invitation to envy, as to ponder why there appears to have been discrimination. It doesn't sound as though he himself has in any way disadvantaged you, but that there's something odd in the accreditation process - is there something in the small print you overlooked ? Or maybe sexism on the part of the accreditors ?
I don't know which profession you're speaking of, but I think the law should REQUIRE any such board to disclose to any unsuccessful candidate the grouds for their problem and how they can correct it.
As Maria suggests, counselling could also help, to understand better this larger issue of feeling like an underdog not entitled to an opinion - there could probably be better ways you could deal with such situations to represent yourself more successfully.
Are your in-laws genuinely "shoving this in your face" ( highly uncivilized behaviour if so ) or is this also a reflection of this broader concern of yours . Its natural and splendid for them to congratulate him - surely not something they're doing simply to make you feel bad ?
And I'm concerned that your approach to this ( such as not discussing it with your husband or your own family ) is condemning you to face this all on your own).

Reply to cybershrink

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