advertisement
Question
Posted by: Michelle | 2010/08/06

I am close to a breakdown - but it would mean I am week

A few days ago I posted a note under " Is it a man thing or is he an idot?"  Well thank you for all the replies. I am still not to sure what to do. But sadly my better half of 11 years is not the only headache I have in life.
How do you say NO to a 21 year old son who BELIEVES the world owes him becuase he was diagnosed Diabetic Type 1 at the age of 10?
I have tried to do everything for my son but its not good enough. When his dad &  I divorced 13 yrs ago (physical abuse from him) I tried my utmost as a single mom.
I am at this moment putting him thru colledge, His father sd he would pay but that nevre happened, so I had to start paying or they would not have allowed him to attend classes.
When he wants something you must give, and if you dont he fakes a diabetic attack to get attention. On mothers day this year he o''d on insulin on purpose just because he was give a NO reply.
My med aid paid for most of it, but I am left with a bill of R1500.00. My son demands money from me for airtime, let me just say he does have clients as a personal trainer but spends it on crap and booze. When i say i dont have - then he will reply by saying things like - yeah but you have money to buy make-up and shit.
So how do you say NO to a manipulative 21 year old?
I keep saying no - but he AND some of my family think I am the cruel one who does not care.
if I have a breakd own, my betterhalf will see it as a weekness, as i had a break down 6 years ago due to work stress and was hospitalised at Flora for 7 days &  fed dormicum 50mg twice a day. I dont want to go that way again,
How do I say NO and still be strong to stand up to the mental abuse?

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe you should read up on the concept of Tough Love. A sense of entitlement may be more of a handicap than the illness or physical disability itself. It can be exactly your "trying to do everything for" your son that encourages this. If you do everything, the only thing left for him to do is to be disagreeable and dissatisfied.
He's 21 - why can't he contribute to putting himself through college ? He DOES earn, but choses to waste that money. If he tries the diabetic blackmail again, have him taken to a government hospital only ( not a private one ) so the experience is less rewarding.
And inform the doctors there that he DELIBERATELY manipulates such episodes so as to manipulate others,and that you are no longer responsible for paying for his care.
The difference in your spending on your makeup etc is that it is YOUR money that you are spending, and you don't owe anything to anyone else, and you don't rely on him to cover all your basic expenses. Unlike him.
Don't care if he manipulatively labels you as cruel. And if anyone else in the family thinks so - let him live with them, and see what opinion they then form.
See a personal counsellor or psychologisty to help you to become more assertive and self-prorective. It won't be weaknes if you become unwell for a short period - but if so, don't allow anyone to give you quack Sleep Therapy ( which is unacceptable according to any proper professional standards, and useless and risky ) but get a proper diagnosis and proper therapy if you need it.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

4
Our users say:
Posted by: Linus | 2010/08/09

I think you are inadvertantly an " enabler"  of your sons manipulative behaviour unfortunately and you need to address this. CS ''s idea of Tough Love is good  give it a try...

Reply to Linus
Posted by: Bob | 2010/08/06

Hi Michelle, you don''t sound weak to me, you going through a tough time, saying no to your son when you need to shows you are not weak, having to be a single Mom and put your son through college without help from his father shows you are not weak. Don''t accept other people telling how to bring up your son, or deciding for you what is weak or not. You deserve 100% to buy make up and things for yourself. He''s 21 not 12 and earning something so he must take some responsibility for himself and use his money for air time etc, in fact he should pay you a bit even if small for rent so he can start to learn how to budget for when he has his own family.

stay strong, all the best


Reply to Bob
Posted by: Maria | 2010/08/06

Your son is an adult and treating him like a child will not help anybody. He has to take responsibility, as an adult, for his life and his health. If you feel you have to give him an allowance, tell him what the amount per month will be, what you expect him to buy out of it (e.g. clothes, toiletries etc.) and DON''T GIVE ANY MORE. He is emotionally manipulative in the most unacceptable way. If he keeps on faking medical emergencies, kick him out. He can live with his dad or share a flat with a friend - he has a job after all. If you don''t force him to grow up then he never will. I suggest you see a counseller / psychologist to help you formulate a plan and deal with the fallout. Take care.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/08/06

Maybe you should read up on the concept of Tough Love. A sense of entitlement may be more of a handicap than the illness or physical disability itself. It can be exactly your "trying to do everything for" your son that encourages this. If you do everything, the only thing left for him to do is to be disagreeable and dissatisfied.
He's 21 - why can't he contribute to putting himself through college ? He DOES earn, but choses to waste that money. If he tries the diabetic blackmail again, have him taken to a government hospital only ( not a private one ) so the experience is less rewarding.
And inform the doctors there that he DELIBERATELY manipulates such episodes so as to manipulate others,and that you are no longer responsible for paying for his care.
The difference in your spending on your makeup etc is that it is YOUR money that you are spending, and you don't owe anything to anyone else, and you don't rely on him to cover all your basic expenses. Unlike him.
Don't care if he manipulatively labels you as cruel. And if anyone else in the family thinks so - let him live with them, and see what opinion they then form.
See a personal counsellor or psychologisty to help you to become more assertive and self-prorective. It won't be weaknes if you become unwell for a short period - but if so, don't allow anyone to give you quack Sleep Therapy ( which is unacceptable according to any proper professional standards, and useless and risky ) but get a proper diagnosis and proper therapy if you need it.

Reply to cybershrink

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement