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Question
Posted by: jane | 2010/10/21

I am abusive

Hi all

last night my husband and i had a huge outburst,actually I had the outburst.it all started when i asked him to go with me to the gym,I normally go alone and im fine with it but for weeks i have been pushing him to go with me and he always outs it off,i dont mind going alone although sometimes I do wish he would come with me ,not only that I want him to start gyming again for his own health,last night i practically got down on my knees begging him,just to accompany me,I feel that I Shouldnt have to always go to the gym alone when i do have someone in my life.so i left on my own and had a work out but when i got home a ball of rage just turned out,I strted getting physical with him punching him and swearing at him i even broke my phone i just felt so heavy and was looking for a fight I wanted him to know exactly how i felt and how angry i was ,he was very scared and in fear and i just didnt know how to control this anger of mine.I think i should attend a Anger management course as I feel like a total looser this morning and i dont know what to do .Im still upset with him and im very ashamed of myself when i married him i never ever thought of lifting my hand towares him but over the yaers alot has happend between us and I think sometimes those old thoughts still contol me.I dont know what to do and feel like I deserve to die..please help!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sounds like an awful storm about nothing, doesn't it ? It's fine for you to want him to exercise more, for the sake of his own health - but unless and until HE wants to do that, you won't persuade him to do so. And maybe he feels more tired, or has other priorities or plans.
When they draw up solemn lists of major Human Rights, I'm not sure that the Right Not to Have to Go to Gym Unaccompanied comes very high up on those lists. His refusing to go with you may have been disappointing, but may not actually count as a major abuse of human rights.
Then you felt frustrated and angry - and decided to make him feel angry, too ? And became abusive.
I have said before I do NOT believe in or recommend "Anger Management COurses" - they're rarely run by people with broad genuine expertise, they're usually over-priced, and deal with the problem at a rather trivial and generalized level. A proper therapist could deal with "those old thoughts" that trouble you, in a way that no "course" could ever do. It counds as though there are quite a number of old resentments and hurts seething around down there, needing to be dealt with, adn the Gym incident was just a spark that lit a fire that was waiting to be lit.
OK, you've identified a problem which needs proper help to solve it - that's an advance. Continuing to bear a grudge against him for the sin of avoiding simultaneous gymming, isn't good for either of you. And feeling excessive guilt and glomy thoughts doesn't help either.
Look positively for the right expert help to enable you to get this right. I am sure it's possible and need not take a long time.
Some of the readers raise an old point of mine. I am not opposed to Woman Abuse ( as it's usually described, as though it were the sole evil ) - I am opposed to People Abuse - men, women, children, and indeed even dogs and cats. Insects I feel less strongly about.

If you have a genuin anger control problem, FAR better to see a therapist of the CBT foprm, for proper personalized help, to identify the causes and triggers of your anger, as well as to learn better ways of diffusing or controlling it.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Soul | 2010/10/22

Jane no person deserves to be hit by their partner regardless how upset and angry you are. Once you lift your hand to your partner it changes how they see you and what they thought of you. You have broken this man down more than you know. Appologies are not enough you need to get off your butt and do something about it, and once you seek treatment he might be inclined to believe you are sorry for your actions. You have caused so much damage, you have alot of work ahead of you.

Reply to Soul
Posted by: just saying! | 2010/10/22

get help asap , my hubbies x has the same personality trait as you and she used to hit if she did not get her way, she is still that way and her relationship with her new man is hanging on threats, the kids tell as all the time on the fights.

Reply to just saying!
Posted by: jane | 2010/10/21

well thanks for all your feedback good and bad ,I will try and work on this anger of mine and try controlling it.And i have alraedy apolagised but still feel like crap!

Reply to jane
Posted by: Liza | 2010/10/21

You need help and you acknowledge it. This is a great start. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy will help you to change your thoughts and behaviours with positive effect.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Happiness | 2010/10/21

There are reasons why people get angry and most of the time anger is just the manifestation of hurt &  pain. I don''t think it has anything to do with gym but everything to do with your marriage as a whole.
But I''m sure you will get help for this behavior or everything you ever cared about will disappear from your life for good.

Reply to Happiness
Posted by: Woman | 2010/10/21

Abuse of any kind is unacceptable. You say this has been going on for years? YOU need to take responsibility, sort yourself out, apologise to your husband and not be surprised to leave.

Shame on you, you know its wrong, and you still do it. You are abuser - make peace with it and get help.

Reply to Woman
Posted by: a man | 2010/10/21

geez i don''t hit woman ......BUT ek sou jou n snot klap gegee het!!!ffs!!!

Reply to a man
Posted by: abusive | 2010/10/21

you are abusive and crazy...so what if your husband doesnt want to go to the gym. you are a bully, you dont deserve the poor man

Reply to abusive
Posted by: Kurupt | 2010/10/21

You are control freak you should be ashamed of youself, If i was your man i was going to give you a hot KLAP, probably you married a sissy who loves you too much to lay ahnd on you. You are so pathetic, i feel sorry for you.......

Reply to Kurupt
Posted by: pathetic | 2010/10/21

PATHETIC.

Reply to pathetic
Posted by: Lovey | 2010/10/21

Shoo im scared of you woman, you physically beat up your hubby just because he didnt want to go to the gym with you? heheheh ehhehe..

You''ve got too much anger with you and you need to sort it out and forgive him in order to move on, bottling it up wont help and hence the edge to beat him up cos u still angry for the past things.

Reply to Lovey
Posted by: Unique | 2010/10/21

Your action will definetely not give you the results you desire i.e. your chances of getting him to go to gym have been reduced dramatically.

Rather find a way to work through the underlying issue - past hurts etc otherwise you''ll keep fighting over small issue. Nobody should be beaten to a healthy lifestyle. if you cannot work on the issues alone seek counselling.

Reply to Unique
Posted by: PMS | 2010/10/21

It should be his choice if he wants to go to gym. Hitting him was so wrong. Many women think its ok to hit a man, but if a man hits a women it is totally wrong, which it is. I just think that it is also wrong to hit a man. You need to apologise to your husband and find another gym partner.

Reply to PMS
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/10/21

Sounds like an awful storm about nothing, doesn't it ? It's fine for you to want him to exercise more, for the sake of his own health - but unless and until HE wants to do that, you won't persuade him to do so. And maybe he feels more tired, or has other priorities or plans.
When they draw up solemn lists of major Human Rights, I'm not sure that the Right Not to Have to Go to Gym Unaccompanied comes very high up on those lists. His refusing to go with you may have been disappointing, but may not actually count as a major abuse of human rights.
Then you felt frustrated and angry - and decided to make him feel angry, too ? And became abusive.
I have said before I do NOT believe in or recommend "Anger Management COurses" - they're rarely run by people with broad genuine expertise, they're usually over-priced, and deal with the problem at a rather trivial and generalized level. A proper therapist could deal with "those old thoughts" that trouble you, in a way that no "course" could ever do. It counds as though there are quite a number of old resentments and hurts seething around down there, needing to be dealt with, adn the Gym incident was just a spark that lit a fire that was waiting to be lit.
OK, you've identified a problem which needs proper help to solve it - that's an advance. Continuing to bear a grudge against him for the sin of avoiding simultaneous gymming, isn't good for either of you. And feeling excessive guilt and glomy thoughts doesn't help either.
Look positively for the right expert help to enable you to get this right. I am sure it's possible and need not take a long time.
Some of the readers raise an old point of mine. I am not opposed to Woman Abuse ( as it's usually described, as though it were the sole evil ) - I am opposed to People Abuse - men, women, children, and indeed even dogs and cats. Insects I feel less strongly about.

If you have a genuin anger control problem, FAR better to see a therapist of the CBT foprm, for proper personalized help, to identify the causes and triggers of your anger, as well as to learn better ways of diffusing or controlling it.

Reply to cybershrink

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