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Question
Posted by: candice | 2011/10/08

husbant crowding me &  step children

im married with 1 child and pregnant with our second child what i dont understand is that my husbant never discuses whether to bring his kids to our house and rocks up with them as and when he pleases. He even brought one of his kids to stay in our house without passing it by me either. When i found out that im pregnant i asked him whats going to happen since we live in a two bedroom house and i need to get a nanny who will have to live with us. Herewith became very angry and said he will sort it out. What i find funny is that their mother is still alive and married with 2 kids. But they never live with her they are either with their grandmother or with my mother in law. Why should i then carry this burden if their own mother cant stay with them. Even worse i seem to carry more household cost cause i earn more than their father but they have a nerve to call my husbant demanding money that also is never discussed with me. I just want a peace of mind. i feel they r his kids and he should maintain them and see them but they should not come and stay in my house. I need space with my family just as much as their mother

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Issues of who will care for children from a previous relationship obviously need to be properly sorted out well before one marries someone. And it does sound odd if their biomom plays no part at all in caring for them - doesn't she care ?
Within a marriage issues like paying money to a previous spouse, and having ANY people to stay, need top be discussed between the pair of you.
And its usually better for a court to set a fair level of maintenance support, than to leave it to the previous wife to keep agitating for more

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anne | 2011/10/10

Bottom line is that the kids did not ask for their parents to get divorced and I am sure that they certainly don''t want to be told when they can and cannot see their own father. You have kids, Candice- should you and your husband divorce would you not want your kids to see their father? I am interested to know the answer to Heathers question re ownership of the house. Remember you married this man knowing he has kids, you can''t go back now and say you don''t want them around, unless you WANT a divorce as per Nonni.

Reply to Anne
Posted by: Nonni | 2011/10/10

Bottom line, if you dont accept his kids, you are going to end up divorced. I agree, his kids - not your problem, but, if you are not prepared to bend and make a sacrifice here and there and keep your mouth shut sometimes, you are going to end up in divorce court.

Reply to Nonni
Posted by: Realist | 2011/10/09

Some time ago on this site or divorce support, a newly wed lady was complaining about her husband who cheated on her and this resulted in a child being born to the " other woman" (Can you believe this and she STILL REMAINED WITH HIM !!!!) Now her husband was wanting to go there and be involved in this child and she objected. Well I supported her on the basis that it was not her child and she had no obligation towards this child. Well the vitriolic responses received about how selfish she was and what about the wellbeing of the childl etc etc like it was HER problem. What did she have to do with the child ?. Was it her responsibility, NO. Likewise with you. Your husband is a boor and bad mannered. His kids are NOT your responsibility, but his. This must not interfere with your lifestyle and he should be considerate of you. Why must YOU be inconvenienced ???? Of course, you should have sussed this out BEFORE you got married. Always a problem where other kids are involved and his kids will always take precedent. over your kids.

Reply to Realist
Posted by: Heather | 2011/10/09

Do you soley own the house that you are residing in? If no, then you can''t actually tell your husband that his child/ children cannot live with you guys. Yes, it is very selfish and disrespectful to not discuss living arrangements with you but surely a visit isn''t the end of the world? Perhaps he thinks he''d surprise you and your child? All too often step parents are unwilling to share their household with their step children- I don''t know why so many step mothers have the mentality that kids should live with their mother. Surely the child should live with the most stable parent and the parent they are happier with? If the mother is pawning her children off to the grandparents all the time, doesn''t that show that maybe she isn''t too fit to have them around? Both my sisters went to live with my father and although it was probably arranged beforehand, my step mother welcomed them. What you need to do is tell your husband that he needs to give/ provide Rx to the household and he can spend the rest on his other kids, and that some warning when visits occur would be nice.

Reply to Heather
Posted by: cybershrink | 2011/10/09

Issues of who will care for children from a previous relationship obviously need to be properly sorted out well before one marries someone. And it does sound odd if their biomom plays no part at all in caring for them - doesn't she care ?
Within a marriage issues like paying money to a previous spouse, and having ANY people to stay, need top be discussed between the pair of you.
And its usually better for a court to set a fair level of maintenance support, than to leave it to the previous wife to keep agitating for more

Reply to cybershrink

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