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Question
Posted by: wife | 2012/08/21

husbands shouting

Hi CS

I have a question which i wonder if you can help me with. My husband has the habit of shouting at me when we argue, but he goes really off his head. but with everyone else that upsets him, he is oh ok. His family belittle him and he never loses his cool. If i say anything he screams at me. I have spoke to him before about this. His answer is noone ''upsets him or pushes him like i do''. His kid " from x"  can literally break down the house, and he has the utter most respect when " talking to the kid" 

any solutions?

im really at a point where i feel like walking out of this marriage. i feel he respects everyone more than me. ever his kid.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe he has stored up a great deal of anger from long years of being belittled by his family, and maybe others, which boils over when you're around, maybe he feels safer to let rip in your presence ( though of course its awfully unfair to you). But i situations like this, it often means that the rage, though it seems to be aimed at you, isn't actually about you.
Maybe because he has let you get a bit closer to him than anyone else, he fels especially vulnerable to any criticism or opposition from you ?
Is it possible that you could gently persuade him to join you in marriage counselling ? He might find the suggestion more welcome if you framed it as being intended to explore this worry that you seem to be especially able to upset him, much more than you intend to do, and to see if these conflicts can be put right.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Mimi | 2012/08/22

Its so sad that all the women who are supposed to advise the complainant, ALL of them are going thru the same thing. @Wife, like the doctor said, try and persuade him to go for counselling with you becos this is too much, it destroys you and kills a woman in you, you eventually will loose your self estee and confidence. Emotional abuse is worse than any other abuse, please adress it. I personally would not take it, i admire your strengh though.

All the best.

Reply to Mimi
Posted by: Busi | 2012/08/22

I have same problem, he was fine all along, but since 2006 we had financial problems which he started himself and he lost most things that mattered to him, he was dissapointed he is very depressed but doesnt admit it, now i am left alone to sort out this mess, he doesnt lift a finger in our business, i cant talk to him about anything, i have to think first before i approach him, he is very sensitive, he talks nicely to everyone but me, the last time he shouted i just closed my ears it was dark he didnt see me he just went on and on, and i didnt hear what he was saying and i told him when he was done that i dont like the way he talks to me, i dont want to hear the things he is saying about me, so he is quiet for now.

Reply to Busi
Posted by: me too | 2012/08/22

Also had that problem with hubby. He totally and unfair loose his cool with me about the smallest mistake I made or silliest thing I said. Then shouted at me, cursed at me and treat me like a stupid blonde. We had years of fighting over this and his reaction was that I''m over sensitive.

But with anyone else he talks in respectfull manner when getting angry, never shouts and will take blame.

I realised just like the doc said. It''s due to his upbringings and anger towards his family, and his teenage years.

The reason he treats me like that is because i''m the only place where he feel secure, where he can stand his grounds and feel safe and therefore the only place where he can let it all out. It''s not aimed at me but everything else in his life that bothers him.

I learned not to say anything and not to take anything personal (which takes practice and patience believe me)

When he starts I walk away and if he follows me or carry on I just tell him that I do not have energy to fight with him, I''m no ones dog, and that he can talk to me in a decent way when he calmed down. Then just ignore him and leave.

So far so good. Our last situation was December last year and he now think twice about waisting his energy on me.

Reply to me too
Posted by: MaFlo | 2012/08/22

My husband also does that, he accepts opinions from everyone else except mine and it makes me feel as if he sees a stupid person in me, all I do is agnore him because I used to fight with him and remind him that I am also a professional with qualifications just like him, but I saw it is a waste of time so I always avoid saying anything in hs presence because I know he will belittle me as usual.
Try to walk away when he starts shouting and speak in a calm manner.

Reply to MaFlo
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/08/21

Maybe he has stored up a great deal of anger from long years of being belittled by his family, and maybe others, which boils over when you're around, maybe he feels safer to let rip in your presence ( though of course its awfully unfair to you). But i situations like this, it often means that the rage, though it seems to be aimed at you, isn't actually about you.
Maybe because he has let you get a bit closer to him than anyone else, he fels especially vulnerable to any criticism or opposition from you ?
Is it possible that you could gently persuade him to join you in marriage counselling ? He might find the suggestion more welcome if you framed it as being intended to explore this worry that you seem to be especially able to upset him, much more than you intend to do, and to see if these conflicts can be put right.

Reply to cybershrink

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