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Question
Posted by: Angry Wife | 2012/07/02

Q.

Husband''s Indiscretions

My husband just had a baby with another woman. I have told him under no circumstance are my kids and I going to be involved with this child because, we did not create the situation and as a mother I am responsible for protecting my kids from the humiliation, hurt and confusion due to their father’ s indiscretion. I acknowledge that the baby is innocent, but so are my kids. He is entitled to see and support the baby because he is responsible for it  however I want nothing to do with child. I did not have an affair and I certainly didn’ t betray my family, so why should I now be obliged to be a better and excepting person, while he and the other woman disrespected our vows and family. Am I being unreasonable?

Expert's Reply

A.

Expert ImageCyberShrink

It isn't compulsory for you and your children to become involved in the life of this other child ; it IS comp[ulsory for your husband to get involved in maintenance and whatever is best for the child ; and do remember that the child is entirely innocent, and itm is the husband who was selfish and stupid.
I'm wondering a bit why you are so fiercely announcing your right to do what is so reasonable - is he insisting that you become involved with the new child ? What is he asking from you ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or person harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

49
user comments
Posted by: Shocked | 2012/07/04

Wow.... So much " stuff"  here. My opinion is just my opinion but if there is so much anger and hate then nothing can be sorted out. Negative emotions only hold you where you are and make you utterly powerless. Angry Wife and Hurt Wife obviously have solid reasons for the feelings that they have but ultimately negativity only breds negativity.
No one said that anyone just sleeps with someone because they are having marital problems and I agree that there is a difference between sex and love but I''m sure that not only women confuse those.
I was cheated on and although I didn''t have children, my husband did with the woman he cheated with and the fact is that I was able to build a good life for myself. Of course it was beyond awful but I moved on with time and eventually I didn''t let all the bad feelings bog me down. If you let them, those negative and bad feelings will hold you where you are and bred more and more bad feelings and life will just pass you by.
I agree about the choices that we make and that choices should be made rationally. That is your only hope - not just Angry Wife and Hurt Wife, but all the very angry people here.
You have the power and the right to change your life. No one except you can make your life better and conversely no one but you can keep you where you are. Anger is fear that wears a different mask and no one should let fear rule them. I did for a long time but I finally broke the hold it had over me and my life is so different now.
Good luck to all of you. I truly hope you all find true and real and lasting happiness because once you do, you will want to find more and then you will never look back.

Reply to Shocked
Posted by: Man''s Point of View | 2012/07/04

@both mistress and mistress 2, Please show me where angry wife exclusively blamed the woman and said she hated the child. She simply said the child would not be part of her life bcoz she never started the mess in the 1st place. When a married couple have problems it doesn''t give you an opportunity or right to sleep with the man. From a man point of view, sex is not the only reason, we cheat. We sometimes cheat bcoz the opportunity presents itself and there is no shortage of women like you, who are willing to cheat with us. Unlike women we can clearly differentiate between love &  sex  It is not personal and don’ t put emotions in sex. So when we cheat with you it is not bcoz we think you sh@#%t doesn’ t smell.

Reply to Man''s Point of View
Posted by: Hurt Wife | 2012/07/04

She knew, she befriended me, She told me I could confide in her. She then took that information and used it to her advantage to convince my husband to leave me and my children for her.

She is a FAT WHORE who deserves to be shot and left in a ditch!

Reply to Hurt Wife
Posted by: Chrisna Janse van Rensburg | 2012/07/04

When David make a child with another man''s wife, God let the
son die. But we are not God.

If it were me, I would make a decision as to forgive my husband
or not. If you can forgive him, help him because this child is flesh
and blood of your husband.

If you can not forgive him, leave him.

I know this has been a shock, but ask God to help you. He is our
Father, and the only one who can change our feelings of bitterness.

Reply to Chrisna Janse van Rensburg
Posted by: Walid | 2012/07/04

The thing is men don''t need a failing relationship to cheat on their wives. They may have the most wonderful wife and the happiest marriage, but when they feel unfulfilled, due to the influence of porn on their lives (and no real woman can ever live up to the expectations of a man addicted to porn), they will cheat. Sometimes wives refuse to do the things their husbands suggest because of the degrading nature of the acts so husbands find willing participants outside of the marriage bed to fulfill their fantasies.

So the real culprit is the man, not the child, not the whore, not the wife - the husband.

Reply to Walid
Posted by: Mistress2 | 2012/07/04

Hurt Wife - you are what you are because you chose that crap! Don''t blame other people for your choice. Step up and do something about your life. I totally agree with Mistree when she says that a lot of times that " fat whorre"  doesn''t even know the guy is married and I totally agree with Reader''s question - what made them look for comfort some place else?
Suck it up and accept that you and Angry Wife also had a role to play! And for the love of Pete, stop blaming everyone else! Grow up! Good grief! Both of you need to start accepting responsibility for your lives and your actions! It''s people like you that fill the world with hate and then you blame the world!
Get a grip!

Reply to Mistress2
Posted by: Hurt Wife | 2012/07/04

Angry Wife, I feel for you very deeply. Although my cheating husband did not get his fat whore pregnant (well we don''t know yet, she could be I guess) it still ruined what I thought was a beautiful marriage.

Why not hurt that slut back by being an absolute wonderful mom to the baby? She stole you husband, you take her childs love and prove she is a whore who cant look at the child - if you going to have to pay for that child, you may as well take it! Get her out of your life that way ....

Yes I am a bitter hurt woman, but I made into this by whores!

Reply to Hurt Wife
Posted by: rod | 2012/07/03

Why take a cuckoo into your nest? Why be reminded every time you look at the kid?
You are right , ignore his bastard spawn . Let him deal with the aggro that will come with your " unwanted family member" .

Reply to rod
Posted by: Walid | 2012/07/03

AngryWife, my heart goes out for you completely. Your husband has put in quite a precarious position and it is not something one should ever deal especially so early in your marriage (my deduction as your kids are less than 5 years old). You have every right to be angry.

Could you give me a little more background please? How long have you known about your husband''s relationship with his mistress? Have you ever considered writing a letter to him explaining to him your thoughts and feelings? You might have told him repeatedly in both subdued and raised tones of voice, but nothing touches a man like a heart breaking letter from his wife. (Someone related such an experience to me.)

Your husband''s family, I believe, should have more compassion on you. It is a terrible thing for a wife to discover that her husband has another woman in his life, and even worse for her to be told that he has a child by that woman. It is Christ-like to forgive, but it is also Christlike to mourn. Before you can heal and be accepting towards others you have to mourn the death of a dream, a goal, a life, and the death of your expectations of your husband.

Ultimately, though, you will be seen as the wicked witch of the west if you decide to stay with your husband, but exclude yourself from raising his bastard child. Your children will not understand and your husband, the selfish bastard he is, will blame you. I agree with the suggestion that you treat the child as a stepchild although that isn''t the way it really is as you didn''t find him there, but he you.

It''s unfair that you should accept this child and its mother. It''s unfair that your husband expects you to. It''s unfair what he did. It''s unfair the way his family is treating you. It''s unfair towards your children. It is all just unfair.

But, you have the perfect opportunity to rise above the ashes of a broken dream, as difficult and unfair as it is. You feel like lashing out to others, maybe even avenging yourself on your husband and the woman. You have to ask yourself, however, what will it all matter? If you continue to be angry, your anger will turn to hatred, and hatred to bitterness which will lead to your husband ultimately leaving you. And you to be styled the wicked witch of the west.

Your anger will destroy you. So, for you own good and that for your children, accept the child. The child has come to represent your husband''s affair - and is almost akin to a rape victim looking into the face of their child, the product of the rape. So, by accepting the child, you accept the affair and as much as you want that woman out of your husband''s life, she is there to stay. And as long as you stay with your husband she will be part of your life. That''s what marriage is about.

Go and see a counselor for yourself first. He/She will give you tools to deal with this situation and guide you through it. If you are spiritual, speak your spiritual leader as well. You need support. Reach out to your family and friends. Go for group therapy with other women who have gone through and are dealing with the same situation you are in.

Find support. Talk about your fears, heartaches, pain, and desires with others and with God (if you are spiritual). And, ultimately, follow your convictions. It will take a long time to heal the scars you have incurred, AngryWife.

If your husband continues to have an affair with this woman or any other woman, leave him. He does not deserve your love. You are worthy of a better quality man than him.

Reply to Walid
Posted by: muks | 2012/07/03

Best see a councillor. Every one of us is different. Your head (logic) says divorce you husband  but you heart says otherwise. The confusion between the head and heart will carry on until you make peace with this situation. To reach this peaceful solution within yourself quickly, get professional help. Anger, regret etc. are powerful emotions that drain the body  forgiveness and acceptance of the situation is the only remedy  otherwise you will carry this to any other relationship. I pray that you find peace.

Reply to muks
Posted by: Christa | 2012/07/03

My heart goes out to you! First you have to live through your husband’ s affair and then have to live through the fact that the fathered another woman’ s child. My heart tells me to motivate you to take that child into your house and give it a normal as possible live that his/her mother will never be able to as she already does not understand the sanctity of marriage. BUT... my head tells me that this is a game farm situation. When the bull jumps the fence once he will keep on jumping the fence, best is to shoot him and cut your losses. I’ m not saying shoot your husband, I’ m saying: say thanks but no thanks and take your children and get out. I will keep you in my prayers and ask God to give you the wisdom to make the right decision

Reply to Christa
Posted by: Someone | 2012/07/03

Do you want to live a life full of happiness and joy or be caught in spiral of hate, resentment and self-righteousness? Learn to love and accept this child as a person without any judgement and prejudice. Acceptance, love and forgiveness will elevate your quality of live and result in happiness. One day when you are old, do you want to look back and regret the hate and resentment that you nurtured and maintained because your husband made a mistake? What’ s done is done  create the best out of this situation with love and wisdom. Who knows, the siblings might become best friends and support each other and you through the tough times in live. We can only grow as people when we take on the challenges in live with a positive attitude.

Reply to Someone
Posted by: Andriette | 2012/07/03

With regards to bullying you with religion, when you married he made a vow before God to be faithfull which he choose to break. They should be bullying him instead of you. To many women are brainwashed to " stick by their man no matter what, because it is your duty as a Christian"  and this still results in women staying with men who are treated with no respect who sit and wait for their man to come around often using religion, love, children and the old " maybe I drove him to it"  excuse. Do not suffer for your husband''s selfishness.

Reply to Andriette
Posted by: Andriette | 2012/07/03

You should not be responsible for your husband''s mistake. They knew perfectly well what could happen from their affair and should be responsible for this child. Too be honest, if my husband cheated on me I would divorce him - the trust in the relationship has been broken and he obviously had no respect for you (if you are worried about finance, get a good lawyer to draw up a settlement and support arrangement). You can still find someone worthy of you who will treat you with respect! Is there more to your question (i.e. your husband wants the child to live with your family or the mother is demanding some measure of financial support)? The choice is ultimately yours, but remember that you will have this situation in your live as long as you choose to stay with him. Some will argue to stay for the sake of the children but this is not psycologically the best choice as they have to openly deal with their father''s infidelity and might feel that he choose this woman above them. The family finances will also be impacted. Ultimately the choice is yours - what is best for your children and yourself.

Reply to Andriette
Posted by: Mistress | 2012/07/03

Its funny how the writer goes on calling the other woman a fat whore. What gets me about married women is that the moment the husbands stray, they call the mistress a whore with no morals. These mistresses do not know the wife from a bar of soap yet they are expected to up hold a starnger''s marriage vows. Married women must wake up and realise that the enmy is not the mistress but the dog they call a husband. The very same dog who stood in front of the priest and promised to love you forever and forsake all others. So before you call these girls name, start with the one you share a house with, some of these men do not even disclose their marriage statu and some of them do not wear rings. Married women should start knowing where to direct their anger, your husbands chase after single girls not the other way around, it may be hard to swallow but they act like school kids when they are out there. You married him so either you live with the situation or you move on . The truth is whilst you cry yourself over the kid, trust me the mistress is fine.

Reply to Mistress
Posted by: Reader | 2012/07/03

U mean u want to protect urself from the humiliation. The child is innocent and u must realise that he or she is sibling to ur children. They are family after all. U are angry at ur husband''s betrayal. He broke his vows to u, he broke ur trust. Just remember that. Question to u, what has led him to seek comfort somewhere else. Clearly all was not well in ur marriage. Remember there is always 2 sides.

Reply to Reader
Posted by: Tanya | 2012/07/03

Surely some tough times ahead for your family. I know someone who also went through a similar situation and this is how she resolved to handle the issue. All 3 parties sat and agreed on the amount of financial support to be provided per month for the baby that is the father will pay for medical aid because the other woman was said to be always making demands for money for hospital bills so that shut her up, school fees, groceries and all essentials. Anything extra over and above that was not urgent the mistress would go to the husband''s family and inform them who would then relay the message to him . If the husband wanted to visit the child she would take him to her parents'' house where he will pick him up from there. No contact was to be maintained btwn the husband and the mistress whatsoever except through the above mentioned channels. But what I always wonder is how do you live with all that mistrust btwn the two of you ,the constant wondering about his whereabouts and all I think its just better to leave.

Reply to Tanya
Posted by: Christine | 2012/07/03

Angry Wife, my heart goes out to you. We aren''t the first and we won''t be the last. Have comfort in knowing that your feelings are completely normal and that none of this is your fault. Not wanting to see the kid and keeping kid from your children, is your right. I totally agree with you. The kid is not your ''family'' although the other kid is completely innocent she is being raised by a mother who clearly has no morals and sadly this innocent child will possibly be brought up that way to. We can only hope when she asks why her daddy lives with another family or why she doesnt know who he is, that these women have grown a conscience and can admit to their infidelity. By having this affair - which at the time only took the 2 of them - they have ultimatley ''destroyed'' your life, your children, the other kid and theirs. So much unnecessary hurt was caused. At some point you will need to tell your children of the other kid as people talk and at some point someone will say something to them. Rather you tell them than a third party. People will ultimately use their religion to provide the ''correct'' answer. Only you know what is best for you and your children now - Your faith will guide you. The challenges that lie ahead is going to be really difficult and very trying. You can only take it day by day. Good Luck

Reply to Christine
Posted by: Adnil | 2012/07/03

Leave him for heaven''s sake. Are you a masochist that you keep allowing yourself to be humiliated and walked all over by him and his family?And what makes you think that he''s not going to cheat on you again - especially as you''ve already forgiven him once.

Reply to Adnil
Posted by: Dumb Ass | 2012/07/03

Married for 20 years, today my wife is moving in with her lover, halve my age. I''m still trying to figure out what went wrong....

Reply to Dumb Ass
Posted by: Mistress | 2012/07/03

There are no winners when a marriage falls apart. Each person has their own share of the blame whether you want to believe it or not. Should you chose to stay with your husband, in spite of his choice to have an affair, then you need to accept it as fault from both side because otherwise your marriage is nothing more than a farce. You will blame and resent him forever and nothing good can come of that. Choices are what led to this and choices will lay the path you follow for here. Those choices are yours and his. How you make them is completely up to you but hopefully you will be able to make them together. You can choose to force him to live with you bringing up his bad choice for the rest of his life which not only will destroy your relationship and your marriage but will also destory your two innocent babies or you can choose to give it another try and rectify whatever part you each had in the first place. Of course, to do this he will need to want to do the same thing for you and rectify his part of whatever went wrong. Unless you both want the same thing, it''s time to cut your losses and move on. Faithfulness is great but that only comes from both people working at a relationship every day. It comes from being a good partner and loving your partner. Faithfullness can be erroded from feeling unwanted or unnecessary or unloved.
I can say all of these things because I have already been through all of this. I am the whore you speak of. I am also the innocent wife who was lied to. I have lived both sides.
Anger and hate will only destory you and your children. If you truly love your husband and you truly want to be happily married then you have to find a way to forgive him or let go and create a new life for yourself. Regardless of how you feel now, your husband is and always will be your children''s father and this new baby will be their sibling. By intentionally keeping them from this child may result in a lot of unnecessasry anger from them later if they discover that they were lied to regardless of you trying to protect them.
Speak to a counciller, go together if you want to but see someone on your own because you need decided what is best for you before you can take care of your children. This is the most important choice you will make. This will change your life forever. So don''t make a choice out of anger and hate. Make it out of clarity

Reply to Mistress
Posted by: Anon | 2012/07/03

Women need to start realizing that they are worth more. LEAVE HIM! You are allowing him to devalue you. Media give men this excuse that they are animals and need sex 24/7. Makes me sick that they whore around and do whatever they want. Forgive them, but move out and move on. He''ll just do it again. And you''ll stay with him again because you''re allowing him to take away your self-respect. And, women need to stop agreeing to sleep with OTHER woman''s husbands.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: John Snow | 2012/07/03

Don''t hate John Snow cause his father brought him home to Winterfell

Reply to John Snow
Posted by: Brenda Hendricks | 2012/07/03

This is definately going to put a strain on your marriage you obviously still love him that''s why you are still with your husband. What guarentee do you have that he will stay faithful to you this time?

Reply to Brenda Hendricks
Posted by: Anonymous | 2012/07/03

I really feel for you. I went through the same thing. Actually it still eats me up. When i met my husband he had two kids. Though i was scared i went on and married him.I had my son and later my daugheter. 8 months before our wedding, i found out he had a baby girl a few months younger than my daughter. I was so hurt, yet the marriage went on. Almost a year after getting married, i went through his phone and i saw photos of child and i asked him who she was, he confessed that he had another baby girl. It seems like when i had my daughter, he made two other women pregnant. The pain was unbearable needless to say i am still with him. I still cry when i think about it and i wanted to have another child. However with him having so many kids i dont see that happening. I have forgiven him as i am a christian and have told him that he can see his kids and i dont mind my kids knowing their sibling but i dont want the kids at my house and i dont want any relationship whatsoever with them. We never went for counselling and everyday is painful. I prey that God give me the strength to move on one day. I could not leave him as i love him but somedays are so hard i want to pack up and leave. My adice to you, only you know what you need to do and we cant tell you to leave him or stay. We cant promise that it will be better or worse in the future.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Ams | 2012/07/03

Leave him.

Reply to Ams
Posted by: Anton | 2012/07/03

It is a kak one, but what I really do not understand is why you have not left him? Where is YOUR self respect? As long as women allow themselves to be victims, this kind of stuff will continue happening. He knew that even if he cheated on you, you would not leave him......and look what happened. Vat jou goed en trek.

Reply to Anton
Posted by: Anonymous | 2012/07/03

in all the email ive read, the lady is called a whore (and all this names) and the guilty one where as the men is considered as having made a mistake. How do we expect men to stop what they re doing when the men and is always easily forgiven as if it was the women alone who is at fault.

Reply to Anonymous
Posted by: Leigh Ridgway | 2012/07/03

If his parents try and shove religion down your throat again just remind them who strayed in the first place! This is HIS responsibility NOT yours and your children! The fact that you are even entertaining the idea of staying with him, baffles me. Divorce him and tell his family to go to hell! If you are a decent woman you will find a decent man, they are out there believe it or not. Don''t throw away your young life for a man who will more than likely do this to you again and again. Get out now while you are still young to meet someone who treats you with the love and respect you and your children deserve!

Reply to Leigh Ridgway
Posted by: Lynn Lou | 2012/07/03

It''s good for the kids to know each other you don''t want them to unknowingly marry each other one day, do you? , You are looking at your husband having number two with this other woman if you don''t let this kid come into your home... what do you think happens when he goes and sees this other child? be more involved if you don''t want it to happen again. Trust me!!!!

Reply to Lynn Lou
Posted by: HAPPY | 2012/07/03

I know that pain, my husband got another woman pregnant and we were married for a year and I didnt have kids then and I had two miscarriages before that woman gor preganant. The pain does not go away easily even now when I see that child the anger comes back, I hated the child first but I have come to terms with what happened. To me it was painfull because we were at the same church with the other woman. This hapenned ten years back but even today I still hate that woman and we dont even talk to each other. I hope God will give you strength to accept the child but your husband must not expect you to be closed to the kid if you are not ready to. I remember one year my inlaws called my husband and tell him to come see his child because the mother have visited them, you know I was so hurt and disappointed that my inlaws would expect my husband to leave me on such a day to come see the other woman and her child. Be strong lady this happens all the time keep on praying and ask strength from almighty.

Reply to HAPPY
Posted by: Majozi | 2012/07/03

Forgive your husband but never get involved in his foreign child. Do not listen to the angels of doom who advise you to divorce him.I am a man who did the same to my wife and dont expect him to get involved. IWe are now married for 16 years and going strong irrespective of the wrongs I have done to her. I didnt do that because I no longer love her,but because of my selfish desires.Love your man till the end and you dont have to love his child.

Reply to Majozi
Posted by: louise | 2012/07/03

i am going through the same situation as well - i hate the fact that he made her pregnat -but i told him that if he wants me to forgive him ,he will have o include in every decision that he make about this baby,if he wants to see the baby in anyway i will have to accompany him ,that if i find out that he went &  see the baby without my knownledge we will finally be over, i am not going to keep my children not knowning their new sister/brother although i wont declare my love to this child ever,cause coming to see this child it will always remind me of the betrayal of his father &  mother to me, my heart is still aching inside of me a part of me says i must divorce but i am still in love with my husband that is why i chose to forgive him,but he must expect me to love his child with this other woman.

Reply to louise
Posted by: Kp | 2012/07/03

Agree with Kay Dee, The mother of the child allowed herself to have a child with a married man, Let her feel the pain of single parenting, that is what she wanted anyway, You allow you husband freedom to see the child whenever he wants, then the woman gets what she wanted in the first place.

Let your husband maintain and if he wants to see the child you have to go with, He is not allowed to see the child on his own until the child is old enough. But honestly I would also not even allow my own kids to meet this child. Its more painful for you to have this reminder of this affair.

Does he even show remorse for what he did?

Reply to Kp
Posted by: Kay dee | 2012/07/03

I can completely understand the wife''s anger and hurt . She is innocent of any wrongdoing but stilll has to pay the price. She has to compromise her values by accomodating wrong-doers and making it all comfy for them. In parentlng, we say let children should be allowed to take the consequences of their actions, then why not adults?
Doesnt anyone understand that it will becone hard to forgive her husband if a painful reminder of his infidelity shows up on all happy occasions? By letting her husband fulfil his responsibility , she is trying to do the best she can by the innocent child without letting it de-stabilise her forever.
I feel so angry that the victims of infidelity are forced to find the solutions for problems not created by them. If it was that easy, we would all enjoy a fling now and then.

Reply to Kay dee
Posted by: Tebogo | 2012/07/03

Very sad story indeed.

Reply to Tebogo
Posted by: Anon | 2012/07/03

I can relate with Angry wife, i went through the exact same thing. The mother of the child had alot of issues and demands, but by the grace of God, the child is part of our lives, she comes every second weekend. Where we go she goes. Luckily his was conceived before we got married, but its a very difficult situation and people always say to me thay will never be able to handle a situation like ours. Well, I love my husband and know what some woman are capable of doing. Keeping your kids &  hubby away from the baby will just make things worse, maybe even drive him back to her, especially now that you mentioned his fam want the child part of the family. Its not easy but have faith, there are many families that have survived this. Dont hurt an innocent child. My stepmother done it to us - so i can relate to my step-child.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Gracie | 2012/07/03

It is not the child''s fault! Resenting the child is not going to change the situation. Your husband is responsible for the child''s wellbeing and must pay maintenance to the mother. He was wrong in having an affair with this woman - there are risks involved with sleeping with a woman and pregnancy is one of those risks - your hb should know that. He fooled around and now he has to pay for doing it, but it is still not that innocent kid''s fault! No-one is forcing you to accept this child and hopefully you will not make your children despise the child either. He/she did not ask to be here, so don''t punish an innocent baby for its father''s mistakes. Instead of being so angry about it, go and speak to a counsellor who will advise you how to deal with your anger and the situation as a whole. Don''t do anything that may drive your husband right back into his mistress'' arms - permanently! Good luck to you.

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: Anon | 2012/07/03

Your husband did start it yes, but by staying with him, it''s BOTH OF YOU who need to make a plan TOGETHER about how this child is going to get treated. The child''s fate is not sealed by the very poor choices his/her parents made, but by the choices YOU are making now.
Like I have said, your husband has put you in a very bad position with all of this, but you need to accept the fact that your actions/choices willl have an impact on this innocent, uninvolved child''s life and try your best to act objectively and take responsibility for the part you are playing in determining how the child''s life pans out, because whether you like it or not, you are going to a be part of his/her life.

Liza has made some excellent suggestions, take her post to heart, go get some counselling for you and your husband and also on your own to work this out. It could save you, your family and this child alot of heartache down the line.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Romany | 2012/07/03

Normally I am in agreement with Lisa. However, in this instance, I support Angry Wife 100% in her way of thinking.
Leave the man. Let him support you and the kids financially and find yourself a loving, caring, FAITHFULL new husband and daddy for your kiddies.
Him and the whore deserve each other.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Liza | 2012/07/02

Does this mean your husband will have to live in a hotel on weekends when the child visits him when older? The chances of him trying to save money and living with the ex-mistress over weekends instead of paying for a hotel are quite big - which would generally lead him to change her from ex-mistress back into current mistress.

I''d like to suggest that you treat this child like a step-child. Allow the child meet your children and to come to your home when visiting, but expect him to ensure that this child follows all the same rules as your children and not get special treatment. You don''t want this to affect your family, but it already has and will definitely affect your family a LOT in future - you won''t have a choice in the matter and neither will he.

Trying to shut this child out of your life completely is only going to cause resentment in your marriage. Just like you resent having any contact between yourself, your children and this other child, he''s going to resent you for making things far more difficult than they could be. I completely understand that you don''t want and need to have any contact with this other woman however and your husband should fetch and drop off the child for visitations.

Perhaps you''re still too angry to see the situation objectively and to be reasonable about this innocent child who hasn''t done anything. Have you thought about going for couples counseling to deal with this issue? Demanding something impossible is NEVER going to make the impossible become reality.

Good Luck
Liza

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Angry Wife | 2012/07/02

I am actually not concerned about how he plans to spend time with his lovechild. I have 2 kids under 5 years old. The child will never enjoy the same attention, quality time and the benefits of leaving with both parents, because my husband and fat whore sealed the child’ s fate when they had an affair. If there is anyone to blame for the child''s welfae it is my stupid husband and the whore. He started it and he will have to make a plan, which won’ t affect my family. That’ s was my ultimatum when I chose to forgive him

Reply to Angry Wife
Posted by: Anon | 2012/07/02

Your husband has put you in a very bad position with all of this, I get and symphatise with that, but don''t you think your children and this child ( who you said yourself is innocent) all have the right to know each other?

How old are your kids? Have they been made aware of the fact that they have a baby sister/brother and made their own choice about whether they would like to be there for him/her? You talk about wanting to protect your children from the humiliation, I don''t understand, they have nothing to feel ashamed over? They did nothing wrong after all..

What are your plans for days like christmas/new years/father''s day? If you wan''t nothing to do with this child are you going to be satisfied with the fact that your husband will be away from you and your own children on some of these days to spend time with his child? Or do you expect him to not see this child on any holiday ever? What about family vacations? School holidays? Is this innocent child less entitled to spend that time with his/her father than your own children?

I don''t see what your original post described actually working out. If you have given your husband the choice to not only finicially support the child, but actually to be a father to him/her aswell, then that child is going to be a part of husband''s life. If you have chosen to stay with your husband, all of the things that are a part of his life will, atleast to some degree, be a part of your life.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: ... | 2012/07/02

Next time they try to use religion against you, tell them that if they want you to be a dutiful christian wife, you have the right to expect her to be stoned. It''s completely within your rights, as the wronged party to expect that, you know. and they, as such great christians, should know christian law too, and respect it. If they''re upset with you, just ask them why only certain parts of the bible is then applied to you, and none to him, or the whore.

Reply to ...
Posted by: Romany | 2012/07/02

Divorce him, in fact divorce his whole family.
You deserve a good and faithfull husband. For yourself and your kids.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Angry wife | 2012/07/02

My husband''s family think I am being a complete birch because I don''t want to accept the child and I don''t want my kids to be involved with the child. They are using religion to make me feel guilty.

Reply to Angry wife
Posted by: 40''ish | 2012/07/02

if someone hurts you once, it is there fault, if they hurt you a second time, its your own fault.

Reply to 40''ish
Posted by: H | 2012/07/02

Presies wanneer skei jy hom?

Reply to H
Posted by: cybershrink | 2012/07/02

It isn't compulsory for you and your children to become involved in the life of this other child ; it IS comp[ulsory for your husband to get involved in maintenance and whatever is best for the child ; and do remember that the child is entirely innocent, and itm is the husband who was selfish and stupid.
I'm wondering a bit why you are so fiercely announcing your right to do what is so reasonable - is he insisting that you become involved with the new child ? What is he asking from you ?

Reply to cybershrink

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